[Verse 1]
He sat me down in the desert sand
With a comb and scissors in his hand
As he cut my hair, he said, "I'm the best!
The Fastest Barber in the West!"
I asked him where he'd gone to school
He said, "I studied in Liverpool..
I met four kids called The Beatles there;
I'd give my life just to cut the hair of Ringo
(Ringo, Ringo)

[Verse 2]
I met him next in the old town square
A voice was calling numbers there
The crowd was tense, listening hard
Each one had some beans and a card
The voice called "5," then "14"
They covered each number with a lima bean
Five beans in a row means a bullet in the head
'Cause way out west you could wind up dead playin' Bingo
(Bingo, Bingo)

[Verse 3]
Later that day about high noon
I saw him walk into the town saloon
With a dance hall girl they called Coquette
Looked to me like he was getting Stinko
(Stinko, Stinko)
[Verse 4]
He was laughing and having so much fun
You'd have though he was watching an old rerun of Bilko
(Bilko, Bilko)

[Verse 5]
And he went to the jukebox, feelin' jolly
Put on a record of Hello, Dolly! by Satchmo
(Satchmo, Satchmo)

[Verse 6]
He said, " I look soft, but underneath
I'm so tough that I brush my teeth with Brillo."
(Brillo, Brillo)

[Verse 7]
Well, I looked in his glass to see what he had
What booze could drive a man so mad?
But there was no booze in his glass at all!
Just ice cream, the kind they call Pistachio
(Pistachio, Pistachio)

[Outro]
Pistachio must be dynamite
'Cause he left for Liverpool that night
For destiny had called him there
And he had to cut that Ringo's hair
But something went wrong, as I reckon you know
If you saw the news not long ago
'Cause that barber had become a pistachio nut
And he'd plum forgot what he'd went there to cut
And he sent this cablegram collect to me:...
"Guess who performed that tonsillectomy on Ringo?"

(Ringo, Ringo)
(Ringo, Ringo)