Mother Nature made me
Strictly second-rate
Smart but not good-looking
What an awful fate

Girls don't go for IQ
Eggheads ain't their style
They don't say, "I like you."
They don't even smile

Well, Mother Nature, I'll get back at you
Tomorrow morning, here's what I will do:

I'm calling Dr. Max Rose
That's who I chose
He's gonna make me
A second-hand nose

I went to his office once or twice and
All his patients looked like Barbra Streisand

Then I'll get second-hand hair
Second-hand teeth
And contact lenses
In a baby blue
And elevator shoes, and then I'll melt the girls' hearts
They can't resist a man with interchangeable parts

Girls will go nuts
Parked in my second-hand Stutz
We'll sit there sniffing glue
On Second Avenue!