I would like to explain how it came to pass that I got fat

("America The Beautiful" begins playing)

Ladies and gentlemen, I got fat as a public service. When I was a child, my mother said to me, "Clean the plate, because children are starving in Europe." And I might point out that that was years before the Marshall Plan was ever heard of. So I would clean the plate, four, five, six times a day, because somehow I felt that that would keep the children from starving in Europe. But I was wrong. They kept starving. And I got fat

So I would like to say to every one of you who is either skinny or in some other way normal-- When you walk out on the street, and you see a fat person, Do not scoff at that fat person. Oh no! Take off your hat. Hold it over your heart. Lift your chin up high. And in a proud, happy voice say to him

"Hail to thee, fat person! You kept us out of war!"