About eleven hours ago
I was walking down the side of the road
When I saw a fish driving a car
I was not under the influence of any narcotics of any sort whatsoever
And that is why I still fully believe that what I witnessed was a real and actual fish driving a vehicle despite the seemingly obvious impossibility of this event
It appeared to be a mackerel of some sort or possibly a catfish
But I cannot be certain because I am not very knowledgable about the different species of fish and their distinctive physical traits
But regardless of how it looked
The fish was definitely behind the steering wheel of a real and actual car
And there were no other occupants visible inside of the vehicle
The vehicle was a brown 2007 Toyota Highlander with the license plate JPS 506
And it appeared to have been purchased in Wisconsin
Despite the fact that we were in Detroit, Michigan
The fish appeared to be driving at a speed of at least 60 miles per hour
Which was highly reckless
Considering the fact that this occurred in a residential area
With an elementary school just a few blocks away
When I saw this fish driving a car
I couldn't believe what I was seeing
And I immediately tried to pull out my phone
To capture the shocking scene in front of me
But it must have been some cruel twist of fate
Because unfortunately I had eaten a Three Musketeers chocolate bar just a few minutes before
And my fingers were still sticky with the melted residue of my little snack
My phone slipped out of my hands as I pulled it out of the pocket of my jeans
The fish sped past me
And I could have sworn that I saw it wink at me as it saw me fumble with my cellular device
Knowing I would be unable to capture proof of what I had just witnessed
I watched helplessly as my phone hit the cement
And immediately cracked open, destroying the battery and shattering the glass screen
But despite the fact that I no longer had a functional device
I was more upset by the fact that I had failed to capture video evidence of the fish driving the car
I was so upset that instead of finding a payphone to call someone
To pick me up for a ride home now that I no longer had a way of contacting anyone
Because my phone was broken
I decided to walk all the way home on foot
Despite the fact that I was over 20 miles away from my place of residence
And it was pouring with rain
I just arrived home after eleven hours of walking
And I went straight to my studio to record the exact details of that encounter
As accurately as I could remember
I know it might be difficult to believe that
I saw a real and actual fish driving a car
Or if you could even imagine the logistics behind how it might reach the pedals or change gears
But I swear to you on anything good and holy
That I am not lying about what I witnessed
Wait, what's that noise outside?
*car sounds, gunshots*
Holy shit, I think it's that fucking fish doing a drive-by!
How the hell did he find my address?
He must be warning me not to reveal these details to the world
I better stop recording-