[LAWRENCE, spoken]
You see, my dear...

(sung)
Every royal family, by its nature
Has a sort of price that it must pay
Every noble lineage has
One loose gene
Small as a molecule
Flitting 'round the family pool

It's the sort of thing
One sees in Appalachia
Or in the odd inbred bichon frise
It really can be such a
Nasty stain on the escutcheon
When a wisp of DNA
Begins to fray, then goes astray

Caligula had the temper
The Hapsburgs had the chin
George the Third went cuckoo-bird
And Nero had that violin
Richard, you'll remember
Had the hump and the withered limb
The Bushes of Tex
Were nervous wrecks
Because their son was dim
But look what happened to him!
Alas, our family also
Carries a bit of a curse
But darling, it could be
A great deal worse
Thus ends the verse

Ruprecht's all about
Sun and soda-pop
Paws on puppy-dogs
Candy-canes
Ruprecht's all about
Chocolate bunnies and
Lazy afternoons
And daisy-chains

With a little brother like this
You can't help but have
A happy home
With style upon grace
And a smile upon his face
And all that's missing is a
Chromosome!

But Ruprecht's all about
Hugs and Valentines
That's why people all say
Hey, Ruprecht
You're really okay!
Isn't he adorable?

Ruprecht's all about hugs and Valentines—

["RUPRECHT"]
Milkshake enemas

[LAWRENCE]
—Fun and play!
Ruprecht's all about—

["RUPRECHT"]
Burmese belly-rubs
Fresh-shaved testicles
On Christmas day!

[LAWRENCE]
With a smile that's a mile and a half
And a laugh and a hearty
"Howdya do?"

["RUPRECHT"]
Howdya do?

[LAWRENCE]
It's a cinch that we will be
A happy family
One plus one plus one—
["RUPRECHT"]
Makes two!

Ruprecht's crazy 'bout taxidermy
And KY Jelly on a rubber glove!

[LAWRENCE]
So give him a chance or three
Let him get to know you
And you'll agree
That Ruprecht's...
All about love

Who's the happy chappy
With the ulcerated ear?

[JOLENE]
Ruprecht?

[LAWRENCE]
Who stays awake all night
Hollering out with fear?

["RUPRECHT"]
AHHHH!!!

[JOLENE]
Ruprecht!

[LAWRENCE]
Who likes to spend every
Saturday at the abattoir?
Who gets the cattle-prod if he tries
to hump the samovar?
Who likes to save up all his farts
In a mason jar?
You guessed it!

[LAWRENCE, "RUPRECHT" & ENSEMBLE]
It's Ruprecht
My buddy Ruprecht—

[LAWRENCE]
I like him!

[LAWRENCE, "RUPRECHT" & ENSEMBLE]
Ruprecht...

[LAWRENCE]
And that's about all