I'm Irish... I keep things very bottled up, and I don't drink. Which is not what you're supposed to do when you're Irish. I don't drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop. That surprises a lot of audiences because I don't look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here. But I did, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped. I don't know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking, but you need to know 2 things if you're thinking of quitting drinking.

The first is that when you stop drinking and you still go to parties where people are drinking, they will have no idea what to offer you. Like once people start drinking for the night, they forget everything that isn't alcohol. Like I'll show up at a party and they'll be like, "Hey everybody! Alright we got Coronas in the fridge and oh, hey Mulaney! Would you like, like an old turnip we found in the cabinet? Would that be good for you? Would you like that? I know you don't drink... Or my girlfriend left a Nuva Ring in the fridge, would you want that? Would that be good for you? I know you don't drink!"

Also if you quit drinking you're about to lose the greatest excuse in your life, which is, "I'm really sorry about last night. I was just too drunk…" That is a get out of jail free card that you don't even realize you've had until you lose it. I can't say that anymore. I can never be like, "Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk." Now I have to be like, "I'm really sorry about last night, it's just that I'm mean and loud... it probably will happen again."

Now I, myself — I quit drinking 'cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would ruin parties… or so I'm told. When you do that enough, you blackout drinking and you do crazy things, you kind of become like Michael Jackson. Like any story anyone says about you might be true, and even you don't know by the end. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like, "Is it true you bought the elephant man's bones?" And he was like, "I don't know!" Ya know, 'cause how could he keep track of that?

So I would hear stories about myself. Here's a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone's house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said, "It's perfume." And it was.