John Mulaney
On the Street
And it's weird, you know? I miss it sometimes because drinking can kind of calm your nerves and I live in New York now and sometimes you can see things that will make you anxious. You'll see troubling things out on the street. I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheel chair, knocked in its side with no one in it... That's a bad thing to see. Something happened there… you hope it was a miracle… but probably not… probably something worse.
And I don't like arguments, some people like to argue, you know? They think it's like an art. And I don't like it, I think its because really ordinary arguments can get really dramatic really quickly. Like I was talking to a friend recently, and I told him I didn't think I believed in the death penalty, and my friend said to me, "Oh, so you're telling me, that if you saw Hitler… walking down the street… you wouldn't kill him?” That wasn't what I was telling you, but alright, let's talk about this entirely new topic.
What would I do if I saw Adolph Hitler just walking down the street? Well first off I wanted to know what did my friend mean? Did he mean I see a guy in like the military outfit with the little mustache, 'cause then I would assume that's someone dressed up as Hitler. I'm not gonna kill that guy. I'm not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just 'cause I don't understand costumes. Or does he mean I'm walking down the street and I see like an old old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like. I'm not gonna kill that guy either, because I am often wrong. I'd murder him and people would be like, "Woah! You just killed an old, old man!" and I'd be like, "He looked like Hitler!" And they're like, "Yeah, a little…"