John Mulaney
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse: A Puncher's Chance
INT. PETER PARKER'S LAB
PENI: And now we’re just trying to find a way home.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: The only way home is back through the collider gizmo. The only trouble is--
SPIDER-HAM: One of us has to stay behind and destroy it.
NOIR/HAM/PENI/GWEN: I’ll do it.
MILES: No, no, no, you don’t get it.
PENI: Don’t get what--
They all GLITCH. Real ugly.
MILES: None of you can stay here. If you stay here, you’ll die. I’m the guy who’s going to turn it off and I’m going to get you all home before I do. Look, I made a promise. So I have to keep it.
They all look at Miles. It’s kind of inspiring, but--
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Who are you again?
Peter jumps in, immediatley in “music man” sales mode, talking Miles up.
PETER: This is Miles, and he’s going to save the multiverse.
MILES: Yeah, man.
PETER: This kid can turn himself invisible! Watch this, he can do it... now!
Miles struggles to turn invisible but he can’t.
MILES: I can’t do it on command--
PETER: He can’t do it on command. But it is cool. Show them the zappy thing, Miles.
Once again, Miles tries to show off his power but he can’t do it.
MILES: I can’t do it on command--
PETER: He can’t do it on command. But he can do so much more, like what else do you do?
MILES: Just those two things--
PETER: Just those two things.
GWEN: Look, I’ve seen him in action. He’s got potential. I think he’s gonna get us home.
She says it with conviction. Everyone wants to believe it. Noir steps forward to prove it out.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Okay, little fella, Kingpin’s gonna send a lot of mugs after ya, I’m talking hard boys, real biscuit boxers. Can you fight them all off at once?
MILES: Well, I, I haven’t actually fought anyone--
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Surprise attack!
Miles tries to fight Noir, but Noir knocks him down. Peni JUMPS IN.
PENI: Can you re-wire a mainframe while being shot at?
MILES: Can I what?
PENI: Show me!
NOIR: Surprise attack!
Noir knocks him down again. FAST CUTS NOW.
GWEN: Can you swing and flip with the grace of a trained dancer?
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Can you close off your feelings so you don’t get crippled by the moral ambiguity of your violent actions?
AUNT MAY: Can you help your aunt create an online dating profile so she can get out of the dang house once in a while?
SPIDER-HAM: Can you float through the air when you smell a delicious pie?
MILES: What?
GWEN: Can you be strong?
PENI: Ruthless?
GWEN: Disciplined?
MILES: I don’t know, maybe--
SPIDER-HAM: (makes sound effect of smashing his head) boing.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Show me some moxie, soldier.
GWEN: Above all, no mater how many times you get hit, can you get back up?
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Because when a Spider-Man is on the floor...
GWEN: ...When you think you’ve given your all...
SPIDER-HAM: ...When you think you can’t keep going...
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Spider-Man always gets up.
BAM! BAM! BAM! Miles is knocked down REPEATEDLY. He LIES ON THE GROUND.
GWEN: You can do this!
ALL SPIDERS: Get up, Miles! Get up!
PETER: Alright, guys, cool it...
GWEN: C’mon, Miles! Get up!
The Spiders watch Miles struggle on the floor. He can’t get up. CONCERNED LOOKS are exchanged.
The Spiders gather in a circle to talk, leaving Miles behind.
GWEN: Peter, come here. You need to be more honest with yourself about this. He’s not ready, it’s obvious.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: There’s no way. He’s just a kid.
GWEN: But if he can’t do this, we have to stay and do it for him.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: He’s looking right at us while we talk about him...
A beat, then Peter looks to where Miles was and realizes--
The elevator is moving UP.
PETER: Miles? Miles? (sheepishly) See that? He can uh, turn invisible...
MILES, INVISIBLE, rides the elevator. All the spiders see is the shed doors opening way up in the rafters.