John Mulaney
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse: Storming the Tunnels
EXT. BROOKLYN STREETS - NIGHT
The Spiders exit a bus. We see the WHOOSH of SPIDER-PEOPLE swinging up to the top of a crane like a SWAT TEAM, until looking down at the PENTHOUSE, staring into SKYLIGHTS.
PENI: Kingpin has a private elevator entrance from his penthouse to the collider below.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Didn’t count on having an audience.
INT. KINGPIN’S PENTHOUSE - ENTRANCE SALON - NIGHT
GUESTS mill beneath MASSIVE BANNERS depicting SPIDER-MAN and PETER PARKER: "THE PETER PARKER MEMORIAL FUND."
ALL SPIDERS: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Kingpin stands. COPS and GUARDS surround him. He takes the dais, waves to the crowd.
KINGPIN: Thank you, it’s nice to be with you this evening to celebrate Spider-Man. He and I were very close. He was always a favorite of my son. Kids love Spider-Man, right? Still do.
GWEN: What a pig.
SPIDER-HAM: (offended) I’m right here.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: Hold on, get a load of how the waiters are dressed. It’s in poor taste but--
ANGLE ON THE WAITERS: They are dressed like tacky SPIDER-MEN, with bowties.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: It can't be that easy.
INT. FISK PENTHOUSE
ON OUR SPIDER-TEAM, moving through the fundraiser. Noir carries a serving tray, while Peter and Gwen push a LARGE CART which is made from a CONTORTED, CRAWLING SP//dr.
SPIDER-MAN NOIR: It’s that easy.
KINGPIN: And I just want to thank Mary Jane Parker for being here this evening. Our prayers are with you Mrs. Parker.
As Kingpin mentions MJ, Peter spots her in the crowd. Uh oh.
PETER: (gasps) MJ?
GWEN: Pay attention! It’s not the same MJ, Peter.
A beat.
PETER: I’m sorry, I’ll be right back.
GWEN: No! Peter! Come here here! Trust me, I’ve been there. You gotta move on, buddy.
PETER: This will just take one sec. Let me just-- Oh!
He turns his cart toward MJ. He bumps into MJ.
MJ: Hello.
PETER: Oh wow.
MJ: Um, I just wondered if we could have some more bread at table twelve.
PETER: Yeah! I’m just, I’m really sorry...
ON GWEN, horrified.
MJ: Oh, don’t be sorry. It’s just bread.
PETER: No, I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.
MJ: Mmmhmm...
PETER: And I didn’t even try.
MJ: That’s fine. I should really get going--
PETER I know I could do better if I just had another chance to give you... (realizing) ...the bread that you deserve.
MJ: Are you okay?
GWEN: Ma’am, we’ll take care of that bread right now.
MJ: It’s been nice, uh, talking to you.
PETER: For you they should fill this place up with fresh bread.
Gwen ushers Peter towards the kitchen.
GWEN: You alright, man?
PETER: Yeah. Totally.
GWEN: Okay, good, 'cause we are not getting any bread.
The tables start to WOBBLE, people look down at their drinks which now have ripples a la Jurassic Park (1993).
KINGPIN: I’m just sorry my family can’t see what we’re doing tonight.
INT. COLLIDER CONTROL ROOM
Doc Ock is hard at work on a computer, prepping the collider. She hits a button.
COMPUTER VOICE: Initializing primary ignition sequence.