[Verse 1]
She's smooth as the gravel on a roadside creek bank
Sweet as a flower on a knotty pine casket
She's hot as the fire on the end of a cigarette
Rich as a church's Wednesday night basket
And there ain't no man who can get his head around it

[Verse 2]
She's sharp as the blade of a mountain man's knife
Sour as an apple in a homemade pie
Mean as a snake in a small town zoo
Ain't nobody that could ever get to her heart

[Verse 3]
She's bright as a moon on a hung over morning
Clean as a mouth on a welfare baby
She's slick as the leather on a cowgirl's holster
Quick as the tongue on a Johnny-come-lately
And there ain't no man ever gonna win that lady

[Verse 4]
She's pure as the water in a golf course pond
Safe as a tiger with a fifty-dollar bond
Deep as a sole of a worn-out shoe
Ain't nobody that could fall into her arms

[Chorus]
Proud as a loser in a locker room
Sober as a drink of homemade wine
Sturdy as a trailer in a hurricane
Sweet as the smell of turpentine

[Verse 5]
She's real as a movie with a happy ending
Fickle as a bulb on a dashboard light
Pretty as snow on Easter Sunday
Silly as a girl who can't make up her mind
And there ain't no man who can look her in the eye

[Verse 6]
She's sad as a smile on a birthday clown
Busy as a saddle in a one-horse-town
Straight as a picture on a blind man's wall
Ain't nobody that can make her fall apart