PrefaceSo to preface this, there's a lot of people I need to talk to and the only way I can do that by the means I need to is this. So, if I tag you in the description, this is written to you. Read this with understanding, openness, and precision.

What I am about to do I have never done, and I'm going to be laying out why I have felt absolutely horrible for about a year or two now, actually being open about why, explaining it, and finally just getting it out there.

Then I'll go into how the my eyes were finally opened to the indescribable grace of God and how my burdens are being lifted and replaced with Christ.

I will also be personally thanking everyone for how they have helped me, whether it be it small or it be it one of the reasons I feel alive.

I'm also writing this at 12:15 AM so I'm probably going to forget or get some things wrong, so I most likely will make some edits, and pyong it when I do. InsecuritiesSo for the past year or so, I've felt utterly lost. I've felt shame and resentment for things I've done, I've been incredibly insecure about my physical appearance and shape, how fit I am, my lifestyle and how I did things, how I spent my free time, how other people see me or what their first thoughts are when they hear my name, my hobbies and interests, and pretty much everything in between. I knew I had messed up in a lot of places but didn't want to come clean in fear that the people around me would reject and neglect me. These are the people who I felt even though they called themselves my friends would gossip and talk down about me and just generally be hateful to me behind my back. These are friends I've known since birth, basically.

I felt like if I didn't act or do exactly what people wanted me to do, I'd be made fun of, neglected, hated, rejected. I had to conform to everyone else's standards, and it was exhausting.

Of course, this won't make sense without a better list of what I'm insecure about, and what that is and why I felt like I had to hide or go around it.

I see myself as unfit, fat, abnormal, and in some scenarios, I assumed people thought of me as that weird, gross fat kid. I just generally was unhappy with my body, which I knew was mentally unhealthy.
I see myself as overweight. Just due to my genetics, my thighs and legs in general are larger (rounder) than normal. My skin was a bit paler than usual, which still is weird to me to this day. Even as a kid, I felt weird when my mom would buy me pants and we had to make sure that the fit was 'husky'.

Most of the reason I see myself so negatively is because of 6th grade, the first time I wasn't homeschooled.

When I see pictures of me from 5th and 6th grade, I honestly see my old self as the annoying fat kid, because, in hindsight, I was.

I had been homeschooled my entire life up until middle school, so I didn't have the slightest understanding of social constructs. All I though was that to be liked, I had to be the funny guy, which I still kind of think to this day. I felt like people didn't have a reason to be friends with me for who I was.


I'm normally kinda hesitant to say this; I've told like 5 or 6 people, total. But it's one of my biggest insecurities. I'm a furry.
Due to the stereotypes the fandom has, I either have to act like I'm not and go along with people who talk bad about us, or I think friends I have told either don't understand/have the wrong 'understanding', or just joke about it.

To clear up any muddy water, people in the furry fandom are people who enjoy art of anthropomorphic animals. The easiest way to describe it perfectly is with one word: Zootopia. That movie is like the Holy Grail of the furry fandom.

Basically most furries create characters called 'fursonas' that are like anthropomorphic-animal versions of themself, or who they want to be. Some furries choose to have fursuits of their fursona made, which are basically higher quality mascot suits. Because of this and other things, some people think that furries think that they are actually animals, or that we identify as these weird cartoon dogs, and there are lots of other horrendous stereotypes against the fandom, most of which are under false pretenses, or are false as a whole.

Basically, most of us don't identify as animals, and those who do are an incredibly small minority. We know we're human, and we don't think or want to be dogs, people!

Oh and also some people think the entirety of the fandom are sexual deviants.

People who don't do the proper research think that all furries want to do is either have sex in fursuits, or think that we're all zoophiles.

I'm not going to lie and say neither of those things happen, because they do. Due to the nature of this world, literally anything that involves people is going to have a sexual side. Furry pornography, with NSFW art typically called 'yiff', and pornographic or sexual oriented fursuits are called 'murrsuits'. This side of the fandom would exist no matter what, but since the majority of the fandom is innocent, media outlets don't have any reason to write about the fandom except when something regarding sexual furries happens, which is why the sexual side of the fandom is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy over-exaggerated.

Also, the fandom does have its problem with zoophilia, the same way the anime community has its pedophilia problem. However, the community as a whole (to an extent) are working to, as best we can, fully get those perverts out.

Theres a ton more I could get into but that would take too long.

To summarize, I feel like people think I'm fat, ugly, or a sexual deviant, which I know aren't true. I have to work to show them I'm not and it's extremely tiring. Exposure and AwakeningI'm getting really tired at this point so I'll summarize this part.

I was losing my faith and was seriously doubting how God could love me for my sins and I was seriously questioning my salvation.

I seriously, and I mean, seriously connected with the music of Kid Tris, WILSXN, Joey Vantes and, like probably out of these three artists, Kid Tris is probably the man I've connected with the most. I've already told Tris, but I still can't find all the words to express how thankful I am for all three of you.

Through Tris' music, and the powerful message of my church's fall retreat, I broke down in small groups. I realized that I didn't have to manage these burdens on my own.

I'll copy+paste the message I sent him, and I'm tagging everyone I want to thank in the suggestions, and anyone with an artist profile is in the 'Written By' section since they helped write this testimony.

Thank you, everyone, and I love all of you from the bottom of my heart. Thank You... (in no particular order)Joey Vantes
KID TRIS!!!!!!!
Wilsxn
Brett, Nathan, Carter, Addison, and everyone else from church
Tyler
Camden
Kevmo
NJKTwelve
BenRodz
Kid Lance
Swervex808