We are gathered here today… to make sure… everyone eats. If not each other… food. I was gonna talk about something that’s very serious… and I hope no one gets offended. I wanna talk about fucking. And sometimes I talk about it. And a lot of people in the audience… don’t know what I mean. So would you raise your hand it you don’t know what fucking is… so we can watch your ass when you leave here? Because not enough fuckin’… goin’ on in America. Americans. Reagan get in, you stop fuckin’. We fucked when Carter was in. We fucked all the time. There wasn’t nothin’ else to do. “Hey. Let’s fuck.” President makin’ a speech. “Let’s fuck.” Reagan in. Now. Everybody listen to this motherfucker. “We can’t fuck now.” I say get them last few fucks in now. See. I know one of the advantages. When you’re in show business, the little extra treat you get… is that you get pussy. And, you know… the great pussy drought of the ’50s? I was caught up in that motherfucker. I’m talkin’ about… I discovered masturbating by accident. I’m not lying. I was about ten. I was in the tub. And that’s when you used to have to hold your dick with two fingers. You remember when you was little like that? Right? I was in the tub. I said. “Hey. I’m on to something here. I bet Dad don’t know about this.” And then when you was young, remember. Men… We didn’t come or nothin’. You just made that tunny feelin’. You know. You… First time I came, ejaculated. Scared the fuck out of me. Man. I thought somethin’ was wrong. Right? I was with this woman. I said. “Look what the fuck you done did!” About an hour later though. I was back goin’. “Can you do it again?” Women are so cool about sex. They like it as much as we do. But they can be cooler. You say, “Do you wanna fuck?” “No.” And they go home and have all that electrical equipment. I can’t get off behind that long shit. Nothin’. I remember one time I got some Playboy bunny pussy. I thought I was in the big time. Goin’ home with a Playboy bunny! You dig? We was gonna have a nice little midnight snack. I went to her apartment. Her apartment was bad! It was one of those apartments that if I don’t get the pussy… I can fuck this couch. We started talkin’. She had seen my act. She said, “I really like the way you do those little kids in your act. Them’s great. Can you talk like a little kid?” I said. “What? Now?” “Yeah. Just do a little.” “I feel funny. I mean… okay. You mean. Like, when I do this? Like that?” She said, “Yeah.” I say. “You like that. Huh?” And she started taking off clothes. And the more clothes she took off. The younger I got. When she got to her panties. I was on the floor talking about… She gave birth to me about 9:30
Can I get some water? There was supposed to be a stool and some water. Is it April Fools’? Oh. This is the one. I have to walk way the fuck over there to get some water. Thank you. Brother. Don’t trip. You’re nervouser than me. Shit. Thank you. I wish I had had a pitcher of that shit. Thank you. – What’s in it? – Huh? Water. As far as I know. I hope I don’t start tripping. Did that… Was that here all the time? That motherfucker been there all the time? Wait a minute. We don’t know nothin’… but the photographic memory. This motherfucker was not here. See. We may not be literate. But we visual than a motherfucker. Just needed a little water… to relax… calm down. ‘Cause I feel the tension from you all. You all want me to do so well. I want to do so well for you. But let’s relax and enjoy… whatever the fuck happens. ‘Cause I got my check. I’m gonna tell you something. I got so fuckin’ nervous… myself. Today. I forgot what the fuck I did. I was at home. I said, “I know I do somethin’… ’cause there’s too many white folks paying attention to me… for me not to be in jail and shit.” I used to think when I first started. I said… “Maybe I ain’t funny no more. You know. Maybe I ain’t angry at nothin’ tor real in my heart, you know.” I’d just say. “I’m just not mad about it. I don’t get it. Motherfuckers wanna kill yourselves. That’s your business. Just don’t do it on my porch.” And it really takes a lot to start workin’ again on stage… because then your mind ain’t there and your spirit… and you’re tryin’ to go for it. And greed is a bitch. Greed says, “Go ahead and do it. They offer you so much money… and you’re greedy.” And then your manager is larger than anything, right? He says. “But you’re not like that. You don’t want to rip people oft. You try and do the best… and you go out there and you make an ass of yourself… embarrass your friends. Hold your dick.” My greed does not exceed my self-respect. My greed is good. Though. Greed is runnin’ a close motherfuckin’ second. When I’m asleep. Greed is workin’ on the self-respect somewhere. “Say. Why don’t you just do it tor a little more?” But I do a lot of shit now that I never did when I didn’t have money. I didn’t have the problems I have now, like watchin’ motherfuckers count it. I must drive my accountant crazy. I wake up at 3:00 in the morning going, “Hey. Man, what the fuck? How much is it? Well. Prove it. Bring it over.” “But it’s three in the morning.” “Fuck that. I want to see it now.” And I got lawyers and shit. Lawyers are some expensive motherfuckers. And I got lawyers and shit. Lawyers are some expensive motherfuckers. I got a lawyer. First week. The motherfucker… brought me a bill for $40,000. I said, “Motherfucker. I just met you!” And lawyers, they don’t get upset. Right? “Goddamn it! Why is this…” “Don’t worry. Everything will be all right.” “No, but I wanna know why you…” “Take it easy.” And you leave there feelin’ like an asshole. You be goin’, “What the fuck am I yellin’ about? They calm. I’m just facing 47 years.” Them motherfuckers will keep you out of the penitentiary… and out of a lot of courts. But it’s gonna cost a lot! Some people must say. “Fuck it. I’ll go to the penitentiary. You motherfuckers cost too much. I can do ten years in the penitentiary and get off better… than these 30 you’re gonna put on me.” I met some lawyers, right? I had a guy I’m suing. A black attorney who was my brother. Right on. He was. It was beautiful. My brother. The motherfucker took me hook, line and sinker… on dry land. I don’t know. I just know that this is wonderful. Especially this suit… that I have on. I thought if I have a monkey, me and this suit will be hot. ‘Cause I can’t wear this kind of shit real comfortable. You have to be cool. Billy Dee Williams could hang in this motherfucker. Me, when I wear shit like this. I’m always afraid… that one motherfucker somewhere will say… “What you doin’ in that red suit. You ugly motherfucker?
“I don’t fuck around anymore, since I got married. I am married. I don’t fuck around. That’s right. When you are married… say you don’t fuck around it you got any brains. My wife: “What? Did you fuck…” “No, I was not fucking her. I don’t care what you think you saw. I was not fucking her. Now. Are you gonna believe me or your lying eyes? I was not fucking her.” And my wife… My wife has been putting up with me… We went together six years before the bitch landed me. She paid dues… ’cause I am no day at the beach. I know I’m hard to get along with. I know that… ’cause I might wake up in the morning and go… “Hey. Wake up. What was that shit you said last February?” This is my forth, fifth, sixth marriage. Eighth? I don’t know. But I remember every woman that I was ever in love with. I remember all 12 of them. I really do. They were wonderful. It’s just… I’ve never been able to have a… what they call sustain a relationship. That’s what it’s called now. In other words. When you stop wantin’ to be with the motherfucker, you leave. That’s what I do. Most people hang around till the shit get… makes you look ugly and shit… and you be hangin’ out with a bitch you don’t want to be with. “Yeah. This is my lady.” That gets you into feelings and shit. When you get married… you have to feel. My wife says, “Feel. Express your feelings. Darling, don’t lock it up. Just speak your mind.” When I was just fuckin’ around. I didn’t have to say shit but… “Can I fuck? Good-bye. Here’s the money for a cab.” But now, it’s different when you’re married. This is about the time I’ve been married… and it’s really exciting. Because I really am trying. I really am trying. I’m telling you, I’m fuckin’ trying, okay? But it’s hard to wake up and see the same person all the fuckin’ time. I know this works for women too. I mean, it’s the same motherfucker. All the time. “Thank you. Baby, but goddamn! Not today. Goddamn it. I don’t want to fuck you anymore for eight months. Let’s make our sexual life interesting. You go away for a year. When you come back, we will fuck like rabbits.” And my wife’s always talkin’ about “express yourself.” “Darling. Express your feelings. Emotions. Try to talk. Try to not be so physical. Learn how to speak. Try to talk. Now. Darling, what is the problem?” “Bitch, I’m gonna kill you.” My wife is white, and the first two years we went together… she thought her name was White Honky Bitch. She did. She put up with the shit. I learned, though. After that, ’cause I was death on her. “White honky bitch, and the black man this… and you don’t know shit.” But I stayed with the motherfucker. I kept staying. I grew some. It can happen. It it happened to me. It could happen to you. She’s wonderful about expressing yourself. I get mad, I can’t even talk. The madder I get, the quieter I get. My voice just goes down a notch, especially… “Well. All right. What I’m trying to do here…” Feelings are a hard fucking thing to deal with. I don’t give a fuck who you are. It’s not easy to be bullshittin’. But when you get them feelings. Somebody touches that shit inside you… that shit be fuckin’ with you. And women, I don’t give a fuck. You all can be so cool… about turnin’ a motherfucker oft. You love when a motherfucker be in love with you… ’cause you can be some nasty bitches. “Darling. Please don’t leave me. Just give me…” “Oh. God. Are you calling again? God, Richard, please. Just don’t do this to yourself. I mean, why don’t you go home and bathe or something like that. Just don’t call here anymore. Just a minute. John.” How can women be so cool, though. When you angry? “Don’t you tell me! I love you! Don’t you see?” “Yes, dear. I’m going for a walk.” “A walk? I wanna tight!” One night. I left the house about 137 times. I did. I just said, “Fuck you!” And then I’d have to come back. Like. You forget your keys. You ever leave and forget your keys? “Bitch! Yeah. Motherfucker! Yeah. Uh-huh! Believe that shit! Yeah. You’ll see. Oh, shit.” Then you got to go back in the house. Why come your old lady looks so good after you’ve been away tor a while? You ever. Like. Get your heart broke? Men here. You ever had your heart broke? Women get their heart broke, they cry. Men don’t do that shit. Men hold that shit in like it don’t hurt… walkin’ around and get hit by trucks. “Didn’t he see that truck?” “Motherfucker. He wouldn’t have seen a 747… ’cause his heart was broken.” There’s a feelin’… Gettin’ your motherfuckin’ heart broke… it’s like, I don’t know. Men cannot graduate till a woman breaks your fuckin’ heart. That is your diploma. It either kill you or make you fat. I’m talkin’ about that heartache where your motherfuckin’ heart be… hurtin’ and shit, and you be… You can’t even listen to music. Shit remind you. Like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.” “That reminds me of my lady. God. She got a nose just like Rudolph.” And you go out with other women when you’re in love… You go out with other women. It don’t mean shit. Right? You go out with other women. And you hear their voices and go… “What is this bitch talkin’ about? Why don’t she just shut the fuck up? She ain’t sayin’ shit.” ‘Cause it’s hard to reestablish yourself with other people… once you’ve been with a partner tor a long time. Right? Especially if you get a good woman that you really be in love with. Usually. It’s the man that fucks up. We fuck up. Right? Then we can’t find them motherfuckers no more. And when you can’t find her no more, it look like she get better. Every time you see her. She be beautiful… or with some other motherfucker that looked good. I be going, “I wanna kill everybody. Everybody in the world.” That’s how you end up in the penitentiary, jack. A lot of people in the penitentiary killed their old ladies and shit… and boyfriends and shit like that. Just flip out. “I don’t give a fuck. At least I don’t have to look at them anymore.”