[Rob]
Oh God how did it come to this?
Oh Laura, Laura what did I miss?
Did you really just walk out the door?
Can it be that you don't love me anymore?
Bet you think I'm gonna panic
Get all sad and weird and manic
But if you want to see me suffer more
Then you should have got to me before
Oh Laura, Laura...I pity you
'Cause I've had a life of heartbreak
You can never live up to

[Rob, spoken]
My Desert Island, All-Time, Top Five Break-Ups - in chronological order
Number one - Alison Ashworth
Two - Penny Hardwick
Three - Charlie Nicholson
Four - Sarah Kendrew
And number five - Jackie Allen
Do you notice anything in particular about the list, Laura?
[Girls, spoken]
Yeah, do you?

[Rob, sung]
These were the ones that tore my heart out
These were the ones that ate me alive
You might squeeze into the top ten, Laura
[Girls, sung]
But you're nowhere near the top five!

[Rob]
These were the girls who got in early
Scarred me for life, I have no doubt
But you're too late now
You don't rate that kind of hurt
That kind of clout ahhh that kind of clout

Oh Laura, Laura, you'll be missed
But sweet, sweet Laura, you...
[Girls]
You...
[All]
Don't even make the list!

[Girls]
This is nothing personal, please
Don't kick yourself or wonder why
[Rob]
The simple fact is that we're too old, Laura
To really make each other cry
Those days are gone and I'm thankful we can
Skip the drama and the pain
Here take my car, there's a tankful
I won't lose myself or go insane

Oh Laura, Laura, has your love died?
'Cause if you leave me, Laura, I...
[All]
Can smoke inside!

[Rob]
'Cause losing you is like having no cash
It's like having a cold in the middle of summer
Losing you is a sold-out movie
No big deal, just kind of a bummer

[All]
It's/You're a pizza dream, an ice cream headache
That you know will soon be gone
[Rob]
Five minutes of pain, then you move on
[Girls]
Move on!
[Rob]
You move on!
[Girls]
Move on!

[Alison]
'Cause, you know, you're not really-
[Alison & Sarah]
-offering him anything new here
[Charlie, Penny & Sarah]
If you wanna force your way onto the list, Laura
[All Girls]
You'll have to do a lot better than this!

[Rob]
So bye bye, Laura
Nice try, Laura
You came far, Laura
[Rob & Girls]
Close but no cigar

[Rob]
You can't shame me like Alison
Or blame me like Penny
Or disrupt my life like Jackie
Or crush me like Charlie
And I'm stronger than when Sarah left
Gloomy, sure, but not bereft
And though I see a trend here
I am nowhere near the end here
You do not represent my-
[Rob & Girls]
-last best chance at a
Meaningful relationship
And let me give you one last tip!

[Spoken section]
Laura: Hey, I forgot my toiletry bag
Rob: Laura, listen, we're being stupid. Let's just order in tonight and sort this out
Laura: Goodbye, Rob. Take care of yourself
[End spoken section]

[Rob, sung]
My desert island all-time top five break-ups
My five-star humiliations, soul-quaking shake-ups
Oh Laura, Laura, you'll be missed
But sweet, sweet Laura, you-
[Rob & Girls]
You, you, you, you!

[Rob]
Don't even make the list