[JON, spoken]
Hey, baby

[BRYAN groans from off-screen.]

[JON]
Shut up, Bryan! I wrote this song for you

[BRYAN, spoken (O.S.)]
You cheating, skankified b*tch

[JON]
Hey, I'm filming here! Anyways, I- I hope this makes you happy

[JON, sung]
I love your hair, your smile, your clothes

[BRYAN, sung (O.S.)]
I love your fat, abnormally large toes

[JON, spoken]
Shut up! You are ruining the video!

[BRYAN, spoken]
Scoot over. Hey, yeah, you remember me? Well, you should, because you took my heart out and shoved it down my esophagus. Yeah, you should remember that, okay? You cheated on me with my very own brother over here, you jerk!
[JON]
Let it go, dude, okay! That was like, three months ago. I'm trying to film something

[BRYAN]
Fine. But I'm not moving

[JON, sung]
I love your hair, your smile, your clothes

[BRYAN, sung]
I love your cankles and your elephant nose

[JON]
I love your freckles and your eyes

[BRYAN]
Don’t forget about her thunder thighs

[JON]
Girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

[BRYAN]
It hurt, she landed on her face

[JON]
Girl, I need to put you on my to-do list
[BRYAN]
Or my hit list, whichever really works

[JON]
If you were a booger, I'd pick you first

[BRYAN]
Well, I'd lick you first

[JON, spoken]
What? That's so wrong! That's disgusting!

[BRYAN, spoken]
I'd lick her, as in I'd punch her in the face! Might make you look prettier

[JON (BRYAN), sung]
Girl, you're everything I (don't) want
You're everything I (don't) need
Without you, I can barely/(finally) breathe

[BRYAN]
You're so fat
You got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack
Not even Clinton would sleep with you
When trucks back up, they beep like you
No one wants to be with you
I never want to see you again
You're like the Elephant Man
It looks like you seriously stopped a van with your face
[JON]
Your face is like the sun

[BRYAN]
Yep, it burns my retinas

[JON]
You've got beautiful, puppy-dog eyes

[BRYAN]
Maybe you should go to the vet

You smell like a pig and you look like a fish
If you were a cow I'd put you right on a dish
You're crazy like a monkey
You belong in a zoo
If you were a horse I'd turn you right into glue

[JON]
Your eyes are like a pond
In which the fish of beauty swim

[BRYAN]
You have a mustache like my dad
You really need a trim

[JON (BRYAN)]
All I really wanted to say
Is I love/(hate) you

[BRYAN, spoken]
I hope you die, you stupid b*tch!