[Verse 1: Patience & Bender]
Sharon got knocked up, tried to hide it from her parents
Put off the procedure but could see she was embarrassed
Pleaded "Doctor help me! At eight months it isn't worth it"
But baby Molly's healthy, Sharon died there in the stirrups
Now Oxford was a slick talker, slippery as an eel
Watches in his trench coat, he'd give your ass a deal
Liked to play with shiny things, stole some shiny wheels
Then the owner pulled a shiny thing and spilled his final meal
Blaine was quite vain for his age, very matter-fact
Even had a job sweeping shop for the haberdash
Wanted the perfect tan on his boat by the river
When they pulled him out the water they said "This is one crispy critter"
June and Jim went camping, got lost in the forest
Heard a howl in the wind and wandered off with no torches
Climbed into a cave when they were drawn in by the warmth
And now the wolf is sleeping fatter than a hog, here's the chorus

[Chorus: Bender & Patience]
I've had to bury some imaginary friends
When all is said and done it doesn't matter, they're pretend
So I'm spilling out my snifter every January 10th
Just to let 'em know that I was right there at the very end

[Verse 2: Bender & Patience]
Edmund had a pen pal, Delilah Rochet
Sent her a proposal with a lilac bouquet
By the time it got there she was lying in a cold grave
And he waited for her answer till he died of old age
Randall was a handful, always walked to school with wet hair
Mom said "You'll catch a death of cold before you get there"
But he was smiling at his desk when the teacher called his name
Matthew played with matches and that school went up in flames
Klaus went spelunking down into a live volcano
Sam got salmonella from some old expired mayo
My man Magnus accidentally drank a half pint of Drano
Betsy flew a kite into a F5 tornado
Peter went missing on a cold Christmas Eve
Discovered next winter when they had the chimney cleaned
Claire took the dare to trick-or-treat at the Connor house
Now her bones are in the garden and the story lives on, I'm out

[Chorus: Bender & Patience]
I've had to bury some imaginary friends
When all is said and done it doesn't matter, they're pretend
So I'm spilling out my snifter every January 10th
Just to let 'em know that I was right there at the very end

[Outro: *samples*]
"'Vincent, who is this guy anyhow? Oh wait a second, get away from me, you hulking creep! Vincent, can you stop him please?'
'Froggy you have to admit, you do look tasty'"
'Tune in next week when our topic of discussion will be- oaaahw!'
'I'm a bit of a devil but I do love frogs' legs'"
"'Jody says everything's gonna get better'
'What does Jody look like?'
'She's nice.....she tells me things too'
'Oh yeah? Like what does she tell you?'
'She tells me about the little boy who used to live in my room.....He got hurt and died'"