I hate myself - I hate my face, my body, the environment that I’m in.
I’m filled with so much hate I don’t even know what to do with it.
I see pictures in magazines and when I look back at myself, I no longer like what I see.
See they don’t show you the stretch marks, split ends and gap teeth - they don’t represent people like you and me.
The irony when we're forced down messages such as ‘be yourself’ by celebrities.
When they know full well that they’re partially to blame for all our insecurities.
Since day one we've been told to do this, say that and if I wear this then a guy might just like me.
Running my confidence to the ground.
To this day I can’t hold a conversation without saying the word sorry.
Like 15 gazillion times, to say that I’m apologizing for just being me.
Some days I stay up awake at night and the silence is so loud it overwhelms me,
I can’t sleep or eat.
Filled with so much negativity til negativity became me.
But I lie and carry on smiling cos that’s the person I want to be -
so happy, joyful and carefree.
People say just be confident - they don’t understand that you get tired, you get weak.
I just need you to see that I’m filled with self hate and it consumes me.
Because i wasn’t brought up to be proud of myself and love who I am, No I was told there were expectations and limitations and fought for every can’t to be a can.
So filled with hate I suffocate, this is my fate…I tell myself as I try to pick myself up but it’s too late.
I don’t want compliments or attention from passers by, I crave real love, not likes, from a social networking website.
You know you start to create this self image that is so perfect, flawless and happy cos you think that that’s what is right. Wrong. See you can’t fill a void with lies, you can’t solve pain with short highs so you resort to late night cries and you wonder why? Sigh.
For the longest time I would blame my environment, the media, my peers - And it took me years. To see that it’s not you, it’s me.
If I want to change how I feel I have to start from within. Look into my soul, what’s beneath the skin.
Cos the solution isn’t external don’t you see, you can’t solve your problems from what you see on your phone screen.
The answer comes from who you are deep inside. All those thoughts and feelings you tried so desperately to hide.
I am capable of so much more and I don’t need to hear that from you cos I know it for me.
See when you open your mind you start to see things clearly - your potential, ambitions and dreams, - you become free.
So for the first time in a long time I’m just going to let myself breathe - Today, I choose me.