(The ensemble gathers in a line)
PROLOGUE
[ENSEMBLE]
Every morning
There's a halo hanging from the corner
Of my girlfriend's four-post bed
[THREE MEN]
Four-post bed
[ENSEMBLE]
I know it's not mine
But I'll see if I can use it
For the weekend or a one-night stand
[JEFFREY]
(moves forward)
Couldn't understand
[ENSEMBLE]
Ooh-ooh-ooh...
[JEFFREY]
How to work it out
[ENSEMBLE]
Sugar Ray...
[JEFFREY]
Once again, as predicted
Left my broken heart open
And you ripped it out
[ENSEMBLE]
Ripped it out!
Ripped it out!
(moves to set the first scene)
Flashback!
Flashback!
Flashback...
SCENE ONE
[WOMAN]
Hey, you got a cigarette I can use?
[JEFFREY]
Sure.
[WOMAN]
Thanks... not everyone in the city would help a stranger out.
[JEFFREY]
What do I look like, a member of Smash Mouth?
[WOMAN]
Yeah, Smash Mouth fucking sucks!
(takes a drag)
[JEFFREY]
Hey, what's your name?
[WOMAN]
My real name's Starstreak - but I like to be called Phoenix.
[JEFFREY]
Those sound like two equally interesting names.
[PHOENIX]
Oh, I'm very interesting! I do many interesting, druggy things. I guess you could say is, my life philosophy is:
I
Just wanna fly
(runs to Jeffrey)
Put your arms around me, baby!
Put your arms around me, baby!
(They put their arms around each other)
'Cause
[JEFFREY AND PHOENIX]
I
Just want
To fly
[PHOENIX]
(in a mock-Jamaican accent)
Spread your love and fly!
Spread your love and fly!
[JEFFREY]
(mimics Phoenix)
Spread your love and fly!
Spread your love and fly!
[JEFFREY AND PHOENIX]
Spread your love and fly!
Spread your love and fly...
(They make out)
SCENE TWO
[JEFFREY]
(to the audience)
Phoenix was everything I needed, but didn't know I needed. Impulsive. Passionate. Two interesting names. We spent three blissful weeks doing nothing but making love and talking about our mutual hatred of Smash Mouth.
Everything was great... until the day that everything went wrong.
[PHOENIX]
Come with me, Jeffrey.
[JEFFREY]
Phoenix, where are you taking me? This is the bad part of town, it creeps me out...
[ENSEMBLE]
Shut the door, baby
Don't say a word
[PHOENIX]
I'm taking you to a party.
[ENSEMBLE]
Shut the door, baby
Don't say a word
(They arrive at the club)
[PHOENIX]
Here we are!
[ENSEMBLE]
Shut the door, baby
Shut the door, baby
Shut the door, baby
[PHOENIX]
Jeffrey, shut the door, it's cold, there's a draft.
[JEFFREY]
Yeah, yeah.
(shuts the door)
Phoenix, what is this place? It's dark and it smells like sex.
[PHOENIX]
Welcome to... a drug party!
It's a party where we do drugs - illegal drugs! Hahaha!
[ENSEMBLE MEMBER #1]
Sometimes,
I just want to be left alone
[ENSEMBLE MEMBER #2]
Move your big head
It's my way - go and get your own
[ENSEMBLE]
(as they close in threateningly around Jeffrey)
I don't care about the things you do
I don't care about the things you do
I don't care about the things you do
I don't care about
I don't care about
All my friends
Can't relate!
No time out
To hesitate
To my head
(Mime taking drugs)
Touch my face
Two steps back
(Mime shooting drugs into their butt cracks)
You're in my space!
(They groan contentedly)
[JEFFREY]
(to the audience)
I love that song. It's a very underrated track off the album "14:59"!
Phoenix, did those people all just shoot heroine into their butt cracks?
[PHOENIX]
Yeah! Shooting heroine into your butt gets the drugs into the stream quicker - the blood... stream, that is!
[JEFFREY]
Phoenix, you're in too deep with this crowd! Let me help you! I can take you to a place or somewhere where they can get you clean!
[PHOENIX]
No, no! You just can't handle it! 'Cause my 'tude is so hot... I might as well be walking on the sun!
It ain't no joke-
[JEFFREY]
(suddenly)
NO! NO! NO!!!
Walking on the sun?! How could you say such a STUPID thing?! IT'S A STUPID METAPHOR AND IT DOESN'T HOLD UP!!!
You have a drug problem that needs to be addressed! Let me help you!
[PHOENIX]
Fuck you, I'm going back into the club!
[JEFFREY]
No!
(They struggle)
(Phoenix starts weeping)
[JEFFREY]
She falls apart
By herself
No one's there to talk or understand
Feels the sting
Dries her eyes
Finds herself
Opens the door and
[PHOENIX]
Runaway, runaway
[JEFFREY]
Runaway, runaway
[PHOENIX]
Hold
[JEFFREY]
On
[PHOENIX]
You
[JEFFREY]
Tomorrow
[JEFFREY AND PHOENIX]
But you're leaving today
[PHOENIX]
Runaway, runaway
[JEFFREY]
Runaway, runaway!
[PHOENIX]
Hold
[JEFFREY]
On
[PHOENIX]
You
[JEFFREY]
Tomorrow
[JEFFREY AND PHOENIX]
But you're leaving today...
[JEFFREY]
So you really won't come away with me?
[PHOENIX]
No.
[JEFFREY]
Wow.
You really just Smash Mouth'd my heart.
And by that I mean you ruined it.
Like Smash Mouth ruined music...
[PHOENIX]
Runaway, runaway
[JEFFREY]
Runaway, runaway
[PHOENIX]
Hold on you tomorrow
But I'm leaving today
But I'm leaving today
(takes out heroine needle)
But I'm dying
(injects heroine into her butt crack)
Today...
(Phoenix slowly collapses into a heap)
(The ensemble gathers around, upset)
[ENSEMBLE MEMBER #3]
Starstreak and/or Phoenix!
[ENSEMBLE MEMBER #1]
Guys, I think she overdosed on butt heroine.
[ENSEMBLE MEMBER #2]
And also, she had AIDS the whole time!
(gasps of shock)
(Jeffrey runs in)
[JEFFREY]
No, it can't be true! She can't be dying!
(Enter a drag queen, Butterfly)
[BUTTERFLY]
It is true!
I found her in the park, huddled under a tree!
[JEFFREY]
Thank you for bringing her to me, Butterfly. You've been an integral part of this story that no one will ever forget.
[BUTTERFLY]
I know! I left my butterfly wings a long time ago! Now my character arc is complete! Okay?
(As Jeffrey holds Phoenix in his arms:)
[JEFFREY]
Someday
When my life has passed me by
I'll lie around and wonder why
You were always there
For me
[BUTTERFLY]
(highly emotive)
One word
In the eyes of a passerby
I'll look around for another truth
And I'll fade away...
(Phoenix slowly rises from the floor - now an angel, saying goodbye to Jeffrey)
[ENSEMBLE]
Just close your eyes, and I'll take you there
This place is warm without a care
Take a swim in the deep blue sea
I go to leave as you reach
For
Me
(The ensemble gathers in the same line from the show's beginning)
Every morning, there's a halo hanging from the corner
Of my girlfriend's four-post bed
[BUTTERFLY]
Four-post bed!
[ENSEMBLE]
I know it's not mine
But I'll see if I can use it
Five hundred twenty-five thousand minutes
Smash
Mouth
Sucks!
