Ladies and gentlemen, it's about that time. I present to you now the top 10 WORST lyrics of 2013. Let's get started
"Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace etc."
These idiots say the word "versace" 50 times… BEFORE THE FIRST VERSE STARTS. Jeez, you know, I remember in the mid 2000's when people were getting all up in arms about McDonald's offering to pay a rapper for every time they mentioned Big Macs in a song, but now, no one's even batting an eye at this crap!
Come in my room, my sheet Versace
When I go to sleep, I dream Versace
Guys: PRETEND like you have artistic integrity. You see, when people normally drop product placement that's paid for, they do it subtly, to sneak in their product as somehow inherently a part of a culture. Which is sneaky, and sure, behind the scenes, they're calculating all these ways to market to us, but in the forefront, especially when it comes to music, songs like "Pass the Courvoisier" mentioned the product more in passing than anything. I mean, sure, it's the in the title, but in the context of the song, it was only in about half of the actual chorus and never really gets mentioned in the verses. You could excuse it if you wanted to, or you could really pay attention to it. But with a song like this, it lets advertising agents know that they don't have to be subtle anymore. They can just HAMMER THE NAME INTO YOUR HEAD UNTIL YOU BUY IT!!
Versace my clothes, while I'm sellin them bows
Versace took over, it took out my soul
Versace took over, it took out my soul
Oh, wow… you sold your soul to Versace for a hit song? Well, I hope the eternal flames of hell was well worth peaking at number... 99 on the Billboard's Top 100
However, though, the idea of them actually getting paid for name dropping Versace went right out the window when I heard their NEXT single
"HANNAH MONTANA, HANNAH MONTANA, HANNAH MONTANA, HANNAH MONTANA, HANNAH MONTANA, HANNAH MONTANA, HANNAH MONTANA, HANNAH MONTANA"
At this point, this is just their lazy way of writing choruses, because I highly doubt Disney's trying to market a show that's been off the air for 5 years to an "urban" community
And yes, I know that they're talking about cocaine and that cocaine is code-named as "white girl" sometimes, and yes, Miley Cyrus is white, but see that's the thing: it's not called Miley Cyrus, no, it's called "Hannah Montana", Make no mistake, they specifically wanted to draw more Google searches based solely on the fact that this is a rap song named after a kids' T.V. show character as a reference to something that's adult-themed. And that just comes across as attention whorish to me. That's like making a song that goes:
"The Wiggles The Wiggles The Wiggles The Wiggles! When the song comes on, it makes her ass do the wiggles!"
You know, I WAS gonna listen to some of their other songs to see if this was how they did EVERY one of their choruses, but, uh… I need to put some other people on this list
9. La Familia
"My Brother is my brother like my brother is…"
So, your brother, who is like your brother, is your brother. Well, it's not wrong… it's just stupid
"My brothers is my brother like my brother is…"
Okay, what he really means is that a friend of his who is really close to him is considered as close to him as his actual blood-related brother. But, uh…
I can't help but feel like there was a less convoluted way to say that
"My n***as is my brothers, like my mother's kids"
And… that was it. Why didn't you just say that the first time?! Jay-Z… are you... are you running out of lyrics? Is this needless repetition of the same sentiment just your way of stalling for time to hide the fact that, maybe, after 20 years of rhyming, you've just run out of things to say?
"Cake, cake-cake, cake-cake, cake
500 million, I got a pound cake
N***as is fronting, that's upside-down cake"
So, I'll take that as a "yes"?
Look at my neck, I got a carrot cake
Now here's the icing on the cake
Cake, cake-cake, cake-cake, uhh
"I'm just getting started,"
Maybe it's about time you do the exact opposite of that…
And dude, I hate to insult you, because I know rappers are very sensitive, so I'm gonna try to help you figure out how I feel about this verse. Imagine if you will, Jay-Z, you're walking down the street, and some homeless guy comes up to you and says, "Dude, I got a verse so awesome, guys like Drake are asking for a collaboration!," and you say, "No way, lemme hear it!" And they say, "Cake… cake cake cake cake…. 500 million, got a pound cake,…. n***as is frontin', that's upside down cake, look at my chain, I got a carrot cake… that's just the icing on the cake…. cake… cake cake…cake...cake-"
Now, call me crazy, but something tells me you wouldn't exactly be breaking your neck to whip out the checkbook
7. No New Friends
"Stay down with my day one n***as, and we in the club screaming
No new friends, no new friends, no new friends, no no new (DJ Khaled)
Still here with my day one n***as,"
So, I like how he proclaims:
"I'm only hanging out with people who were my friends before I got famous!"
Quickly followed by:
"THE NAME OF A PERSON HE DID NOT MEET UNTIL AFTER HE GOT FAMOUS!"
Seriously, what counts as "day one" to you? The days before you got famous as a rapper? Well, maybe I've got bad eyes, but those guys don't much look like the cast of Degrassi
Or maybe he's only down with the people he met AFTER he released his first album in 2010…
…Here's a tumblr link to all of the new friends that Drake made AFTER 2010
Dude, if you're gonna brag about not being friends with new people, maybe you shouldn't take so many pictures where that's… obviously happening…
6. Bound 2
"All them other n***as lame and you know it now"
You know, it took me 12 listens to figure out that this song is supposed to be about being in love. Despite the fact that the chorus sings "bound to falling in love", I couldn't really tell. I have to say, there were a few things that kinda threw me off. Like, the first line where he compares his loyalty to his lover with the wonderful imagery of holding her head under water until the bubbles stop…
"When a real n***a hold you down, you supposed to drown!"
And his intimately passionate vocals that sound like he's trying to get through a call on a cell phone that has bad reception
Ay ay, ay yo, we made it to Thanksgiving
So ay, maybe we can make it to Christmas
And how he… seems to think that Thanksgiving rhymes with Christmas, but no, the thing that threw me is this line:
Step back, can't get spunk on the mink
I mean damn, what would Jeromey Romey Romey Rome think?
Forget about the spunk on the mink line, which is just... romantic I'm referring to him referencing a character from Martin Lawrence's T.V. show from the 90's. It's just so... corny, in a way that you can't avoid. The music stops and you have no choice but to listen to his drawn out reference to his favorite T.V. show character. I mean, Kanye makes references to corny things all the time, but when you start with:
"All them other n***as lame and you know it now!"
And then hit us with:
"What would Jeromey Romey Romey Rome think?"
It rouses my suspicion that you might not be as cool as you think you are. And here's the thing: this same reference, for NO decipherable reason, comes back at the tail end of the song!
Jerome's in the house, watch your mouth
Jerome's in the house, watch your mouth
Bound (to falling in love)
Yep, Jerome's in the house, so watch your mouth! *looks upward and smiles* Bound to falling in love…
I can't be the only one who thinks these things don't sound thematically related, right? I mean, If you ask me, I think his problem is that he just has a bunch of yes men around him and no one to tell him when something's a bad idea. But... what do I know? The man's given us some great music, he probably knows what he's doing, I mean, the guy's a musical genius, I'm sure he's alright. Let's ask him ourselves. Kanye, are you alright?
Kanye: I'M JESUS!
See? He's fine!
Ladies and gentlemen, without insult or exaggeration, I would like to tell you that this next song by Future… is "Shit"
"Talkin', bout you.. poppin' tags, n***a, you ain't bought, shit
Talkin' 'bout a hundred bottles, n***a, you ain't pop shit!"
Oh, and if you've ever wondered why Future uses auto tune on his voice... well, now you know why
"Catch a n***a slipping at the red light With ya AK, let me see you shoot it (shoot it!)"
"So I went and added more diamonds!"
I think he's trying to sound threatening by shouting, but honestly, it sounds like someone slammed his hand down on a hot stove and told him he couldn't remove it until he finished this song
Gone put a n***a on a picture (FUCK!)
Gone put a n***a on a t-shirt (T-shirt!)
Back in the day when a n***a sell dope
However, the line that caught my eye the most was this one:
Bought the ho a hunned pair of red bottoms (Shit!)
Thats a quarter milly on a hand job my n***a
Why are you bragging about wasting a quarter of a million dollars on an hand job? I get that part of being a mainstream rapper includes saying "I have so much money, I could spend it on this unimportant thing and still be rich", but, do you guys realize how lame you sound when you talk about spending hundreds of thousands of dollars for sex. Since when did paying for sex become something to be proud of? Whenever I hear lines like this, all I hear is him saying, "Yes. Despite the fact that I'm a rich, famous rapper, I'm still such a lame that I have to spend 250 thousand dollars just to convince a girl to put her hand on my penis
My verbal AK slay Faggots
And I don't mean no disrespect whenever I say faggot, okay faggot?
Don't be so sensitive
If you want to get fucked in the ass
That's between you and whoever else's dick it is
Pause, maybe that line was too far
Just a little joke to show how homophobic you are
Yeah, I'm like Eminem, cause I be killin' these faggots! I mean, wait, no, I don't really be like killing these faggots, cause I'm cool with these faggots, I mean, you should stop being so sensitive about the word faggot, faggot! I mean, that came out wrong! no, wait, what I meant to say was that I love being with gay men. I mean, I don't love being WITH gay men, but, like, oh, wait, no, YOU'RE homophobic because you thought that I was saying that I was being with gay men, I mean, I mean, just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to have sex with men, I mean, no, wait, what I meant was-
Aw, wait, no, no, don't turn off the song, let me explain--
3. Good Time
Paris Hilton featuring Lil Wayne. Paris Hilton is on Lil Wayne's record label. This is a thing
And I might be a bit tipsy
But that's okay cause you're with me
As terrible as you know this is going to be, what's really a treasure is hearing the lead in to Lil Wayne's verse. Please, listen in...
*l o n g a s s p a u s e...*
*Rap Critic looks on, unamused*
…I'm fucked up…
You don't say
Seriously, what happened there? Did he really just come down off of something, or is this song so boring, he legitimately fell asleep during the lead in to his own verse?
I can't tell you what's what
All she know is suck fuck
So, basically, what he's saying is, "I don't really know what's happening, but there's a microphone in my face, so I guess I should talk about sex now."
I walked up to a big butt
And asked her ass, "Butt what?"
…oh, I think you need to hear that one more time
I walked up to a big butt
And asked her ass, "Butt what?"
*clip from Bamboozled: "That ain't funny"*
You… really DON'T have to pay attention to the things you say when you're rich, do you?
And wait, is he talking to Paris Hilton here, who, body-wise, is the successor to Twiggy when it comes to looking like an 11 year old boy? "Butt what"? He should have said, "Butt where?"
Maybe he's not talking to Paris. Maybe this is just how he talks to girls. So, just imagine this scenario for a second. If you thought, "Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock" was a pathetic pick-up line, imagine you're the girl in this scenario, and in comes Lil Wayne, possibly your favorite rapper as well one of the biggest rappers of the 21st century and he walks up to you and just, just looks at your butt while proudly proclaiming, "Butt what"?. And she, looking back at this grotesque display of masculinity, quickly realizes that when your favorite rapper reaches a certain caliber of fame and fortune and can have any girl he wants, everything that oozes out of this creature's mouth comes heedless of any woman's threshold for misogynistic bullshit, and she is now faced with a dilemma: maintain her dignity and abstain from his whims, foregoing all the luxuries that come with this meal ticket, or ignore the obvious signs of sociopathic behavior and humor the unedited sound vomit that spews from a man who has had no need to filter out the astonishingly stupid behavior one develops when everyone around him has been pile driving their heads up his ass since his first album
But I guess it could be worse. Her favorite rapper could have been Rick Ross
Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it
Well, I think we all know what the problem is here: "champagne" in NO way rhymes with the word "that". Psh!
…Oh yeah, and the other thing!
This is obviously alluding to rape. My big problem is how Rick Ross treated it like it wasn't a big deal. I mean, yes, there are a lot of people that would argue that lots of rappers say terrible things, and that this lyric should be held in the same regard as all the other outlandish lyrics glorifying terrible topics, but the problem with this lyric is that the delivery treated it like it was unimportant. Like, he wasn't trying to be funny, he wasn't trying to be over-the top: it was just another lyric in the song. You can hate Eminem for his sexist, homophobic lyrics, please, go right ahead, he kinda deserves it, because there are a lot of his lyrics that do go too far. However, more often than not, his stuff is MEANT to be over the top and if you get offended, it's what he wants you to do, because that's how his lyrics are meant to be portrayed. Even his friend Bizarre, whose lyrics are rarely ever funny, at least comes with the intention that he's not supposed to be taken seriously. This lyric wasn't trying to do that. To me, it just sounds like, "Here's another standard brag-rap that, eh, just happens to involve raping a woman". And that's what I think really got to people: how normal he seemed to be making it, like it was just another thing that happened in the club. What's worse, when asked to clarify about these lyrics, this was his response:
"It was a misunderstanding with the lyric, a misinterpretation where the term rape wasn’t used. I would never use the term rape. So I wanted to reach out to all the queens, all the sexy ladies, the beautiful ladies that have been reaching out to me with this misunderstanding."
This is what really let me know that he didn't care about what he said, because he explained nothing. You just SAID that you don't condone rape. You say that you were misinterpreted. But what you didn't do was explain how this scenario you described WOULDN'T be considered rape. Yes, the term "rape" wasn't used, but if I said, I walked into your son's room with an axe and came out with blood on my clothes, yeah, no I didn't SAY the word "murder" there, but just because I didn't say it, that doesn't mean it wasn't implied! You said, "I put a drug in her champagne, had sex with her, and she did not know that I had sex with her." How is that NOT rape?! They asked you to explain, WHAT other context could these lyrics imply, and you had nothing to say to them. But see, I know he's not dumb, I know he knows what it means to imply something. I just hate how he's obviously acting ignorant in order to save face
Of course a few days later he was forced to publicly apologize for the lyric, but by that point it just seemed like it only happened because he was being dropped by his Reebok deal. Which is odd to me, because, alright, yeah, bragging about taking advantage of a drugged woman on a song is wrong, but… bragging for four albums straight about running an illegal drug cartel and blowing people's brains out with automatic weapons, that's OK? Alright. It's good to know what Reebok is willing to support
1. Karate Chop
"Beat the pussy up like Emmitt Till
On the contrary, no
Yeah, nothing sexier than comparing a vagina to the beaten, deformed, and bloodied face of a child whose death was so gruesome, it sparked the Civil Rights movement. "Oh yeah, I went there… solely for the purpose of describing the death of a child as a metaphor for rough sex, I totally went there!"
Look, I know you're trying to be all hyperbolic about your sexual prowess and stuff, but dude: there's a FUCKING limit
For God's sakes, when even Insane Clown Posse wouldn't make a joke about an incident that was crucial to America's history, maybe you should cut the crap
A lot of mainstream music seems to be divorced from humanity, and I hate seeing affluenza becoming accepted as a thing in hip-hop. All of these artists do have the right to say whatever they want, but we should exercise the right to say that this is deplorable and it's crap and that we want something better
And no, I'm not one of those guys who's calling for all of these songs to be banned, far from it. Again, these guys should have the right to say whatever they want, and you know what, that shock rap stuff really has its own place in the world; it really does, but damn it, wouldn't it be awesome if we as an audience just happened to want more topics that were uplifting, or things that really hit your gut and gave you something to think about? I mean, that way, maybe my best of Lists could consist of more than a bunch of songs that you never heard of because they never charted which always makes me feel like a backpacking hip-hop nerd. It's not that I want to keep mainstream hip-hop off of my "Best of" list, it's just that I want mainstream hip-hop to stop sucking so much! Is that too much too ask for? I don't think that's too much to.. that might be a little bit too much to ask for., Macklemore and Kendrick Lamar are doing their thing, so we'll see what happens, but... I'll catch you guys later...