[Skit]
[Colleen Ballinger]
One time on twitter, I heard Ariana was pregnant, so I got pregnant so we could be pregnant at the same time. Turns out it was just a rumor (pans out to show pregnancy)

[Jonathan Bennett]
Ariana Grande told me my hair looks sexy pushed back. She's not wrong

[Stefanie Drummond]
Ariana broke off an engagement, so I found a guy to propose to me, and I broke off an engagement. (Scott Nicholson is in shock)

[Troye Sivan]
I heard she's a lesbian now and dating some chick called Aubrey. It's fuckin sick

[Scott Nicholson]
I heard if you record her snoring and play it backwards it sounds like Fantasia

[Gabi DeMartino]
Ariana says "honest to god, knock me out," so I decided to punch myself in the face. It was awesome

[Verse 1]
Thought I'd end up with Sean
But he wasn't a match
Wrote some songs about Ricky
Now I listen and laugh
Even almost got married
And for Pete, I'm so thankful
Wish I could say, "Thank you" to Malcolm
'Cause he was an angel

[Pre-Chorus]
One taught me love
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain
Now, I'm so amazing
Say I've loved and I've lost
But that's not what I see
So, look what I got
Look what you taught me
And for that, I say

[Chorus]
Thank you, next (Next)
Thank you, next (Next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (Next)
Thank you, next (Next)
Thank you, next (Next)
I'm so fuckin'—

[Verse 2]
Spend more time with my friends
I ain't worried 'bout nothin'
Plus, I met someone else
We havin' better discussions
I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon' last
'Cause her name is Ari
And I'm so good with that (So good with that)

[Pre-Chorus]
She taught me love (Love)
She taught me patience (Patience)
How she handles pain (Pain)
That shit's amazing (Yeah, she's amazing)
I've loved and I've lost (Yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (Yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (Yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching, and for that, I say

[Chorus]
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Thank you)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Next)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex

[Post-Chorus]
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
I'm so fucking—

[Verse 3]
One day I'll walk down the aisle
Holding hands with my mama
I'll be thanking my dad
'Cause she grew from the drama
Only wanna do it once, real bad
Gon' make that shit last
God forbid something happens
Least this song is a smash (Song is a smash)

[Pre-Chorus]
I've got so much love (Love)
Got so much patience (Patience)
I've learned from the pain (Pain)
I turned out amazing (Turned out amazing)
Say I've loved and I've lost (Yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (Yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (Yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching
And for that, I say

[Skit: Ariana Grande, Jennifer Coolridge]
I mean, he was really cute, you know? Really cute
Yeah
And it was, it was really big
Hmm. Well I've only gone out with one guy who had a big front too. And it- I like it because he never got anything stuck in the front teeth
Hmm
But... Have you ever gone out with someone who had no teeth at all?
No

[Pre-Chorus]
I've got so much love (Love)
Got so much patience (Patience)
I've learned from the pain (Pain)
I turned out amazing (Turned out amazing)
Say I've loved and I've lost (Yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (Yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (Yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching
And for that, I say

[Chorus]
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Next)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Said thank you, next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex

[Post-Chorus]
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Yeah, yee
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Yeah, yee
Mmm

[Outro Skit: Kris Jenner]
Thank you next, bitch