(We are transported into a Wild West Square Dance/Hoedown.)

(Commentators in the trance.)

SAMSON:
Woo-eee!

JAYNIE:
Yes woo-eee!

SAMSON:
Just say woo-eee. Say woo-eee!

JAYNIE:
Woo-eee!

SAMSON:
Everybody out there in the square dance tonight, say "woo-eee!"

CONTESTANTS:
Woo-eee!

MO:
Ya’now! Giddy up!

SAMSON:
Makes you feel good to get down and dirty, doesn't it?
MO:
Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

DJ:
EVERYBODY HERE NOW GATHER ROUND
GRAB YOUR PARTNER DON’T MAKE A SOUND
START IT OFF EASY WITH A DOSEY DOE
CHICKEN IN THE BREAD PAN PICKIN' OUT DOUGH

A RIGHT AND LEFT AROUND THE RING
WHILE THE ROOSTERS CROW AND THE BIRDIES SING
ACE OF DIAMONDS, JACK OF SPADES
MEET YOUR PARTNER AND PROMENADE

ROGER:
Do you think we’re no longer compatible?

DAKOTA:
I didn’t say that

ROGER:
But that’s what you think?

DAKOTA:
I think we’re in different places in our lives
ROGER:
Because I’m in highschool and you’re in college?

DAKOTA:
Yeah

ROGER:
So you want to break up

DAKOTA:
I don’t know!

DJ:
NOW EVERYBODY’S ALL PARTNERED OFF
SO DON’T GET SCARED AND DON’T GET SOFT
CRACK THAT WHIP, JERK THE LINE
LETS START DANCING AND HAVE A GOOD TIME

JENNY IS SWEET, AND SALLY IS A GOOD ONE
I WANT THE GIRL WITH TAPIOCA PUDDIN'
TAKE IT TOO FAST AND TAKE IT TOO FAR
IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR PARENT’S CAR

SLIDE SLIDE BUMP AND GRIND
KEEP IT SHALLOW, TURN OFF YOUR MIND
EVERYBODY’S DOING IT WHY CAN’T YOU
JUST LOOSEN IT UP LIKE THE BIG BOYS DO
CHORUS:
DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY
DOSEY DOSEY DOE
DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY
DOSEY DOSEY DOE

ROGER:
What do you want me to do?

DAKOTA:
Make a decision

ROGER:
About sex?

DAKOTA:
About everything

ROGER & DAKOTA:
I DON’T WANNA THINK ABOUT
THE MILLION THINGS THAT I’M SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT

EVERY CHOICE I MAKE FILLS ME WITH
TERROR DREAD AND NAUSEA AND DOUBT

DJ:
BOW TO YOU PARTNER AND THE CORNER MISS
TO THE OPPOSITE FELLA BLOW A BIG FAT KISS
SLAP YOUR KNEE, CORNER SALUTE
CIRCLE LEFT, GO LICKETY-SCOOT

CALL YOUR DOGS AND GRAB YOUR GUN
KEEP ON DANCIN' AND HAVIN’ SOME FUN
CAT IN THE BARN, RAT IN HER MOUTH
GRAB YOUR HONEY AND HEAD HER SOUTH

BOYS ARE STUDS AND GIRLS ARE SLUTS
AND QUEERS AREN’T EVEN S’POSED TO DO THAT STUFF
CUT OUT YOUR HEART, LEARN THE RULES
DON’T FEEL TOO MUCH KEEP IT LIGHT AND COOL

CHORUS:
DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY
DOSEY DOSEY DOE
DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY
DOSEY DOSEY DOE

DAKOTA:
Oh my god, this isn’t sustainable

ROGER:
Does that mean you want to break up?

DAKOTA:
I don’t know, do you want to break up?

ROGER:
I don’t know, do you want to break up?

DAKOTA:
I mean do you?

ROGER:
Do you?

DAKOTA:
Do you?

ROGER:
Do you?

DJ:
ENOUGH!

DAKOTA:
What?

DJ:
We’re going to try something new. An old fashioned duel

DAKOTA:
What?

DJ:
There are things you want, that you cannot have if he gets the things he wants, the getting of which would mean you are out of luck

ROGER:
What?

DJ:
Mutually exclusive blah blah blah. We’ve come to a sprint

(DJ hits the SIREN.)

DJ:
Take your guns

DAKOTA:
Guns?

ROGER:
Why guns?

DAKOTA:
I’m not taking it

DJ
You’ve got to take it

DAKOTA:
I’m not taking it

DJ:
If you don’t take it, I’ll just shoot you

DAKOTA:
What?

ROGER:
Dakota take it!

DAKOTA:
I don’t even know how to fire a gun. What? Do you?

ROGER:
Yeah, I mean, it’s part of being an Eagle Scout

DAKOTA:
What?!

DJ:
On the count of three, you’re going to turn around and fire. The winner keeps going and the loser, is, well, shot

DAKOTA
Roger, what are we going to do? Roger?

ROGER:
I’m not going to shoot you

DAKOTA:
Neither am I

DJ:
THREE

COMMENTATORS:
Three three three three

ROGER:
I HAVE NEVER LOVED ANYONE THE WAY THAT I LOVE YOU
YOU ARE STARS AND MOONS AND SUNS
AND SKIES AND CLEAR WATERS OF BLUE

DAKOTA:
YEAH BUT MAYBE THAT’S JUST POETRY
YOU’RE ONLY SIXTEEN YEARS OLD
AND STARS AND SUNS ARE THE SAME THING ANYWAY

ROGER:
OKAY OKAY
BUT I THOUGHT THIS WAS EVERYTHING
HOW COULD ANYTHING OTHER THAN TRUE LOVE FEEL THIS WAY

DAKOTA:
THEN WHY DON’T YOU SHOW ME
MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN TONIGHT
IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AND YOU JUST SIT THERE

DJ:
TWO

COMMENTATORS:
Two two two two

ROGER:
BUT I DON’T KNOW IT’S ALL TOO BIG
I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE JUST RIGHT
I CAN NEVER GET THIS MOMENT BACK

WHAT IF MY HEART’S NOT STRONG ENOUGH
WHAT IF I DON’T KNOW THE RIGHT MOVES
WHAT IF IT’S MECHANICAL AND WOODEN

DAKOTA:
OH JUST TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME
I’M READY ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US
IT’S SO SIMPLE, BE AN ANIMAL
SO MANY GUYS THINK ABOUT THIS
LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY

ROGER:
WELL I GUESS I’M JUST NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER GUYS
WELL I GUESS I’M JUST A LITTLE MORE SENSITIVE

DAKOTA:
AND I LOVE HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE
BUT I GUESS WE’RE JUST NOT IN THE SAME PLACE ANYMORE

ROGER:
DAKOTA, ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?

DAKOTA:
I DON’T KNOW
I DON’T KNOW
DO YOU—WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ME?

YOU’RE ALL I’VE EVER KNOWN
AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THESE FEELINGS
I’M BURNING UP
OH MY STOMACH IS BUTTERFLIES

ROGER:
MINE TOO
DAKOTA, MY STOMACH IS BUTTERFLIES TOO
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

DAKOTA:
OH I DON’T KNOW
WHAT CAN WE DO?

ROGER:
I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW
IT’S ALL SO BIG
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?

DJ:
ONE

COMMENTATORS:
One one one one

ROGER & DAKOTA:
THIS IS THE ONE LOVE OF MY LIFE
THE ONE LOVE OF MY LIFE
YOU’RE THE ONLY THING I’VE EVER KNOWN
HOW CAN I LET THAT GO

OH WHAT CAN I DO
OH WHAT CAN I DO—

DJ:
Oh for God’s sake—

(DJ shoots both DAKOTA and ROGER in the head.)

(DJ hits the AIR HORN. End of Wild West Heat.)