[VERONICA, spoken]
September 1st, 1989
Dear diary
I believe I'm a good person
You know, I think that there's good in everyone, but—
Here we are, first day of senior year!
And, uh, I look around at these kids that I've known all my life and I ask myself – what happened?

[STUDENTS]
Freak, slut, burnout, bug-eyes, poser, lard-ass

[VERONICA]
We were so tiny, happy and shiny
Playing tag and getting chased

[STUDENTS]
Freak, slut, loser, shortbus

[VERONICA]
Singing and clapping, laughing and napping
Baking cookies, eating paste

[STUDENTS]
Bull-dyke, stuck-up, hunchback

[VERONICA]
Then we got bigger, that was the trigger
Like the Huns invading Rome
[MALE STUDENT, spoken]
Huh

[VERONICA, spoken]
Ugh! Oh, sorry

[VERONICA]
Welcome to my school, this ain't no high school
This is the Thunderdome
Hold your breath and count the days, we're graduating soon

[STUDENTS]
White trash

[VERONICA]
College will be paradise, if I'm not dead by June
But I know, I know life can be beautiful
I pray, I pray for a better way
If we changed back then, we could change again
We can be beautiful

[A PREPPY STUD knocks a HIPSTER DORK to the floor]

[HIPSTER DORK, spoken]
Ow!
[VERONICA]
Just not today

[VERONICA, spoken]
Hey, are you okay?

[HIPSTER DORK, spoken]
Get away, nerd

[VERONICA, spoken]
Oh, okay

[STUDENTS]
Freak, slut, cripple, homo, homo, homo

[VERONICA]
Things will get better soon as my letter
Comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown
Wake from this coma, take my diploma
Then I can blow this town
Dream of ivy-covered walls and smoky French cafés

[VERONICA jostles RAM SWEENEY]

[RAM, spoken]
Watch it
[VERONICA]
Fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze

[RAM upends VERONICA'S lunch tray]

[RAM, spoken]
Oops

[VERONICA, spoken]
Ram Sweeney
Third year as linebacker and eighth year of smacking lunch trays and being a huge dick

[RAM, spoken]
What did you say to me, skank?

[VERONICA, spoken]
Aah, nothing

[VERONICA, STUDENTS, VERONICA & STUDENTS]
But I know, I know (I know, I know)
Life can be beautiful
I pray, I pray (I pray, I pray)
For a better way
We were kind before (Ooh)
We can be kind once more (Ooh)
We can be beautiful (Ooh, beautiful)

[MARTHA approaches]

[VERONICA, spoken]
Agh! Hey, Martha

[MARTHA, spoken]
Hey

[MARTHA helps VERONICA pick up her tray]

[VERONICA, spoken]
Martha Dunnstock, my best friend since diapers

[MARTHA, spoken]
We on for movie night?

[VERONICA, spoken]
Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail

[MARTHA, spoken]
I rented The Princess Bride

[VERONICA, spoken]
Ho-ho-ho, again?
Wait, don't you have it memorized by now?

[MARTHA, spoken]
What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending

[KURT, spoken]
Martha Dumptruck
Wide load, honk!

[KURT KELLY knocks the tray from MARTHA'S hands]

[KURT, spoken]
Haha!

[VERONICA, spoken]
Kurt Kelly, quarterback
He is the smartest guy on the football team
Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf

[KURT, spoken]
Haha, aright!

[VERONICA, spoken]
Hey! Pick that up, right now

[KURT, spoken]
I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

[VERONICA, spoken]
Yes, I am
I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend
You're a high school has-been waiting to happen
A future gas station attendant

[KURT, spoken]
You have a zit right there

[KURT and STUDENTS laugh]

[VERONICA, spoken]
Dear diary

[VERONICA]
Why?

[HIPSTER DORK]
Why do they hate me?

[YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE]
Why don't I fight back?

[KURT]
Why do I act like such a creep?

[VERONICA]
Why?

[MARTHA]
Why won't he date me?

[RAM]
Why did I hit him?

[STONER CHICK, MS. FLEMING & PREPPY STUD]
Why do I cry myself to sleep?

[VERONICA]
Why?

[STUDENTS]
Somebody hug me
Somebody fix me
Somebody save me

[STUDENTS & VERONICA]
Send me a sign, God
Give me some hope here
Something to live for

[The three HEATHERS enter]

[STUDENTS]
Ah-ah, Heather, Heather and Heather

[VERONICA, spoken]
And then there's the Heathers, they float above it all

[STUDENTS]
I love Heather, Heather and Heather
I hate Heather, Heather and Heather

[VERONICA, spoken]
Heather McNamara, head cheerleader
Her dad is loaded — he sells engagement rings

[STUDENTS]
I want Heather, Heather and Heather

[VERONICA, spoken]
Heather Duke, runs the yearbook
No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants

[STUDENTS]
I need Heather, Heather—

[VERONICA, spoken]
And Heather Chandler, the Almighty
She is a mythic bitch

They're solid Teflon — never bothered, never harassed
I would give anything to be like that

[STUDENTS]
Mmm

[HIPSTER DORK, spoken]
I'd like to be their boyfriend

[STUDENTS]
That would be beautiful
Mmm

[STONER CHICK, spoken]
If I sat at their table, guys would notice me

[STUDENTS]
So beautiful
Ooh

[MARTHA, spoken]
I'd like them to be nicer

[STUDENTS]
That would be beautiful
Ooh

[BELEAGUERED GEEK, spoken]
I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats

[VERONICA enters the girls' bathroom. HEATHER CHANDLER and MCNAMARA are watching HEATHER DUKE vomit into a toilet]

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Grow up, Heather, bulimia's so '87

[HEATHER MCNAMARA, spoken]
Maybe you should see a doctor, Heather

[HEATHER DUKE, spoken]
Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should

[MS. FLEMING, spoken]
Ah, Heather and Heather

[HEATHER DUKE vomits]

[MS. FLEMING, spoken]
...and Heather
Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting
You're late for class

[VERONICA scribbles on a piece of paper]

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Heather wasn't feeling well, we're helping her

[MS. FLEMING, spoken]
Not without a hall pass, you're not
Week's detention

[VERONICA, spoken]
Um, actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass
Yearbook committee

[MS. FLEMING, spoken]
I see you're all listed
Hurry up and get where you're going

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?

[VERONICA, spoken]
Uh, Veronica Sawyer. I crave a boon

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
What boon?

[VERONICA, spoken]
Um, let me sit at your table, at lunch
Just once, no talking necessary
If people think that you guys tolerate me, then they'll leave me alone

[The HEATHERS laugh]

[VERONICA, spoken]
Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips and absence notes

[HEATHER DUKE, spoken]
How about prescriptions?

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Shut up, Heather

[HEATHER DUKE, spoken]
Sorry, Heather

[HEATHER CHANDLER inspects VERONICA'S face]

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure

[HEATHER MCNAMARA, spoken]
And a symmetrical face
If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves
That's very important

[HEATHER DUKE, spoken]
Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds

[HEATHER CHANDLER]
And you know, you know, you know?
This could be beautiful
Mascara, maybe some lip gloss
And we're on our way
Get this girl some blush
And Heather, I need your brush
Let's make her beautiful

[HEATHER DUKE]
Let's make her beautiful

[HEATHER MCNAMARA]
Let's make her beautiful

[HEATHER CHANDLER]
Make her beautiful

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Okay?

[VERONICA, spoken]
Okay

[KURT]
Out of my way, geek

[BELEAGUERED GEEK]
I don't want trouble

[RAM]
You're gonna die at 3 pm

[REPUBLICANETTE & NEW WAVE GIRL]
Don't you dare touch me
Get away, pervert

[BELEAGUERED GEEK]
What did I ever do to them?

[STUDENTS]
Who could survive this?
I can't escape this
I think I'm dying

[MS. FLEMING]
Who's that with Heather?

[THE HEATHERS enter again]

[STUDENTS, spoken]
Woah

[STUDENTS]
Heather, Heather, Heather

[REPUBLICANETTE & NEW WAVE GIRL]
And someone

[STUDENTS]
Heather, Heather, Heather

[PRINCIPAL GOWAN & COACH RIPPER]
And a babe

[STUDENTS]
Heather, Heather, Heather

[MARTHA, spoken]
Veronica?

[STUDENTS]
Veronica, Veronica, Veronica

[THE HEATHERS part, revealing a smoking hot VERONICA who has been given a makeover]

[VERONICA, STUDENTS, VERONICA & STUDENTS]
And you know, you know, you know (Ohh-oh)
Life can be beautiful
You hope, you dream, you pray (Ohh-ah)
And you get your way (Beautiful)
Ask me how it feels
Lookin' like hell on wheels (Ooh-ah)
My God, it's beautiful (Beautiful)
I might be beautiful (Beautiful)
And when you're beautiful (Ahh)
It's a beautiful frickin' day

Heather, Heather, Heather, Veronica (Hey-yeah)
Heather, Heather, Heather
Veronica, Veronica, Veronica, Veronica, Veronica