[Intro — John Stamos]
Our next roaster used to be on Saturday Night Live—now he just watches it. Well, up until last week when a hooker stole his TV. Please welcome the incoherent Norm MacDonald.

[Norm MacDonald]
So, I wanna start with John Stamos, our esteemed roastmaster.

John, well John has a reputation for being a bit of a swinger. Did you know that instead of an umbilical cord, John was born with a bungee cord?

And Cloris Leachman is here, Cloris...Cloris, if people say you're over the hill, don't believe them. Why, you'll never be over the hill, not in the car you drive.

Greg Giraldo is here. He has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, and the eye of an eagle—ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds!

Susie Essman, of course, is famous for being a vegetarian. Hey, she may be a vegetarian, but she's still full of baloney in my book.

Gilbert Gottfried, one of my best friends, I love Gilbert. When you go to the men's room later, you'll see a sign that says "gentlemen." Pay no heed, go right in—there's no room that says "scoundrel" on it.

And now we come to Bob Saget, and that's why we're all here, Bob...Bob, you have a lot of well-wishers here tonight, and a lot of them would like to throw you down one. A well. They want to murder you in a well.

Seems a little harsh, but apparently they want to murder you in a well, it says here on this card.

No, but Bob has a beautiful face, like a flower—yeah, a cauliflower. No offense, but your face looks like a cauliflower.

As you can see, he has wavy hair. It's waving goodbye, on account of he's going bald!

No, I think that Bob should join the Ku Klux Klan. And that's not because he's racist. He's not racist. It's just that he'd look a lot better with a hood over his head, on account of his face.
Well I've heard you have hair on your chest Bob, and let me tell you—that's not your only resemblance to Rin-Tin-Tin...your fucking dog face—how can you not get that?

No, there are times when Bob has something on his mind—when he wears a hat! With no thoughts at all, just a hat.

And Bob is not very worldly. He thinks the English Channel is a British TV station and not a body of water separating England and France.

And Bob isn't the biggest sports fan, I don't think I'm telling any tales out of school. I took him to a ballgame, and he came toting a double-barrelled shotgun. I said "what the H is that for?" Bob said "I heard the Lions were playing the Tigers"—you remember that?

No, he's a good guy, he's a good guy. He's never bought Christmas seals—he told me he wouldn't know what to feed them.

This concludes the joke...

In all seriousness, Bob was the first comedian that I ever saw perform, when I was boy, live, and I loved him. But one thing that bonds us as comedians is we're bitter, and jealous, and we hate everyone else that has any success. But Bob, honestly, has never had an unkind word for anybody, and I love him, and I hope everyone else does, so I just wanna say that. Thank you.