[Conan]
Welcome back. I'm sitting with Norm MacDonald, and. Now, not ALL your material comes, er, from the, from the news–is that right? You know, you know...

[Norm]
No, some of my material comes–my strongest material comes from real life

[Conan]
Real life?

[Norm]
Like for instance, today, I was driving in a car–you were kind enough to bring a car to bring this old chunk of coal here to the studio

[Conan]
Haha–we send, we send cars for guests, yes

[Norm]
Yeah, so I got in it and that’s I, er, I get material that way, so my driver–

[Conan]
What do you mean, what-what, how do you get material that way? You get in the car and what happens?

[Norm]
Er, my driver tells me a joke

[Conan]
Ahahaha! The driver we sent to pick you up told you a joke?
[Norm]
Yeah

[Conan]
And you're going to tell it now on the show?

[Norm]
Yeah, that's how I get a lot of my material

[Conan]
Ahahahah–OK. Why don’t we just have *him* on next time?

[Norm]
Ah, that guy. Yu–nah, that guy. No, wait till you hear ME do it

[Conan]
Ahahahah

[Norm]
So the guy, he goes, er, I say–I'll be the guy

[Conan]
OK

[Norm]
A moth–A MOTH goes into a podiatrist's office
[Conan]
A MOTH goes into a podiatrist's office?

[Norm]
YOU ARE CORRECT [pause] A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, and, er, the podiatrist's office says "what's the problem" and the moth says "what's the problem? where do I begin man?" He goes "I go to work, for, er, Grigory Linovich, and, er, all day long I work [pause; audience laughs] honestly Doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing any more–I don't even know if Grigory Linovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me–and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I, I walk here and there." The podiatrist says "Oh yeah?" The moth goes "Yes" he goes "ah, at night, I, I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady, in my bed, that's on my arm. A lady that I once loved, Doc. I–I don't know where to turn to. My youngest–Alexandrina [audience laughs] she-she fell, in the, in the cold of last year. The cold took her down as it did many of us."

[Conan]
Mm-hmm

[Norm]
"And my other boy... [audience laughs] and this is the hardest pill to swallow, Doc. And my other boy–Grigaro–Ivanalinovich–I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see, i-i-is the same cowardice that I, that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger, perhaps [audience laughs], perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all"

[Conan]
How long was a drive was this?!! Do you live in the Valley, where do you live? Please, sorry...

[Norm]
He says "Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth. Just barely hanging onto my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good." And so the moth–the Doctor says "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?"

And then the moth said–

"Cos the light was on"