Title: Crazy Handful of Nothin'

*Walt walks into the RV carrying a box of supplies, the bullet holes are still in the door. Jesse follows with another box. Walt kicks a beaker to the side. There's a porno mag on the table*

Walt: Let's get something straight. This, the chemistry, is my realm. I am in charge of the cooking. Out there on the street, you deal with that.

*While Walt talks there are flashes of a chaotic scene, one that happens later this episode*

Walt: As far as our customers go, I don't want to know anything about them. I don't wanna see them, I don't wanna hear from them, I want no interaction with them whatsoever. This operation is you and me and I'm the silent partner. You got any issues with that?

Jesse: Whatever, man.

Walt: No matter what happens. No more bloodshed. No violence.

*Walt is at the hospital getting his chemotherapy. Skyler is sitting next to him*

Skyler: Hey, you alright?

Walt: Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. You know honey, you really don't have to.

Skyler: I like being here with you.

Walt: I'm only saying that I'd be okay, really, if you want to go. You know, actually it would make me feel a little better knowing that you were there when Junior gets back from school.

Skyler: Okay. Alright. So you'll call me when you finish?
Walt: Oh yeah.

Skyler: Okay. Oh, uh, have you been in touch with Elliott, because I haven't seen a check from him.

Walt: Yes, I got it.

Skyler: Really?

Walt: It came, and I, yeah. It came last week and I put it right into my credit union account so I'm taking care of it.

Skyler: Good.

Walt: Yeah, so we're good. We're good.

*Walt is writing out a check for $1,900*

Walt: *to office manager* Could you not deposit this until Monday? Thank you.

Office manager: Call if the discomfort is too much. Otherwise, see you next week.

Walt: Yeah.

*Walt is back in the classroom*

Walt: Chemical reactions involve change on two levels: matter and energy. When a reaction is gradual, the change in energy is slight. I mean, you don't even notice the reaction is happening. For example, when rust collects on the underside of a car. But if a reaction happens quickly, otherwise harmless substances can interact in a way that generates enormous bursts of energy. Who can give me an example of rapid chemical reaction? Hint hint, right here.
Student: Like an explosion?

Walt: Yes, good, explosions. Explosions are the result of chemical reactions happening almost instantaneously. And the faster reactions, i.e. explosions, and fulminated mercury is a prime example of that, the faster they undergo change, the more violent the explosion. Explosions. Okay why don't you start reading on your own from the top of chapter seven, alright?

*Walt walks out of the classroom and goes to throw up in the toilet*

Hugo: You okay? I got it Mr. White, don't worry, you've got kids to teach.

*Walt washes his hand and his mouth and looks down at Hugo*

Walt: Thanks, Hugo.

Skyler: He's starting to lose weight which is tough to see that. I even feel the difference when I put my arms around him. Can I talk to him?

Meeting leader: Of course.

Skyler: Walt, when you don't let me in. When you don't tell me what's going on, I just feel like you don't even want me around sometimes.

Walt: No, that's not...

Skyler: And recently these afternoons when you're coming home so late and we're just left wondering where you are.

Junior: Yeah Dad, what's up with that?

Meeting leader: Walt. Is there anything else you're holding back from your family? Now's the time to share.
Walt: Well, I like to be alone at times. And it's not about you, really, it's just that sometimes it just feels better not to talk at all about anything to anyone.

Meeting leader: Alone time can be helpful for some types. Maybe knowing what you do when you're alone might make it easier for your family to be more accepting of what it is you do when you're alone.

Walt: Well, I like to go on walks, couple of times a week, maybe more. And uh, I really enjoy the nature. You know, the cacti, vegetation, that kind of thing. And it's really very therapeutic.

*Walt is mixing chemicals in the RV, he falls and runs out of the RV coughing. Jesse runs over*

Jesse: Yo, God, you okay? Is it that shit?

Walt: No, I'm just dizzy, I need. Oh God, I'm burning up, I gotta...

Jesse: Take this off. Sit down, get some air.

*Jesse fans Walt off*

Walt: Oh God. Oh.

Jesse: There?

Walt: Yeah, that's better.

Jesse: When were you gonna tell me?

Walt: Tell you what?

Jesse: Cancer. You got it, right?

Walt: How did you know?

Jesse: My aunt had one of those dots on her to target the radiation, what is it, in your lung? I'm your partner man, you should've told me. God that's not cool, okay, not at all. What stage are you?

Walt: 3A.

Jesse: Got to your lymph nodes.

Walt: Your aunt, how bad was she when they caught it?

Jesse: Bad enough, she didn't last long.

Walt: How long?

Jesse: Seven months. I get it now, that's why you're doing all this. You wanna make some cash for your people before you check out.

Walt: You got a problem with that?

Jesse: Hey, you tell me, you're the one that looks like he just crawled out of a microwave. You gonna be able to finish the batch?

Walt: Yes. *coughs* No, you do it.

Jesse: Me?

Walt: Yeah. What happened to your mad skills? Go on, here, you do it. You can do it. If you have any questions, I'll be right out here.

Jesse: Next time put an ice pack on your head during chemo. My aunt said it helped with the hair loss.

*Jesse is inside the RV, he starts to cook*

*Gomez passes Hank a bag with a gas mask in it*

Hank: What's this, Christmas? Is this the one we found way out in the boonies, that cook site? Holy shit.

Gomez: What?

Hank: Lab says they pulled up an imprint of some old writing that used to be on the inside in old magic marker or something.

Gomez: Yeah, what's it say?

Hank: Property of J.P. Wynne chemistry lab. That's Walt's school.

*Jesse goes around dealing meth to the neighborhood*

*Jesse runs over to the RV where Walt is sitting*

Walt: We were supposed to start at three.

Jesse: Hey, I'm out there making fat stacks man, chill. Hey, prepaid cell phone. Use it.

*Jesse hands Walt a prepaid cell phone and two stacks of cash*

Walt: How much is this?

Jesse: Twenty-six big ones.

Walt: Is that all? $26,000?

Jesse: Uh, no that's $2,600. And your share is thirteen. Minus twenty-five bucks for that phone.

Walt: How much meth did you sell?

Jesse: Nearly an ounce.

Walt: Last time I checked, there was sixteen ounces to a pound, what'd you do with the rest, smoke it?

Jesse: Yo, I been out there all night slinging crystal. You think it's cake moving a pound of meth one teenth at a time?

Walt: So why are you selling it in such small quantities? Why don't you just sell the whole pound at once?

Jesse: To who? What do I look like, Scarface?

Walt: This is unacceptable. I am breaking the law here. This return is too little for the risk. I thought you'd be ready for another pound today.

Jesse: You may know a lot about chemistry, man, but you don't know jack about slinging dope.

Walt: Ah, well I'll tell you I know a lack of motivation when I see it. Come on, you've gotta be more imaginative, you know, just think outside the box here. We have to move our product in bulk, wholesale. Now, how do we do that?

Jesse: What do you mean, like to a distributor.

Walt: Yes. Yes! That's what we need, a distributor. Now, do you know anyone like that?

Jesse: Yeah, I mean I used to. Until you killed him.

Walt: So who took Krazy 8's place?

Jesse: Some guy named Tuco, badass from what I hear.

Walt: Tuco, okay, so then just go talk to Tuco.

Jesse: Right, okay, like hello sir, I know you don't know me but would you be interested in a felony quantity of methamphetamine?

Walt: Well yes, but maybe with a little bit more salesmanship, perhaps?

Jesse: You just don't get it, okay, this guy is OG.

Walt: What does that mean?

Jesse: Ugh, Jesus, look he's upper-level, man, he's not gonna do business with some dude he doesn't know. Okay, you just don't understand the way it works, you can't just bumrush some high-level ice man and start cutting deals. Okay, it's risky, you need an intro, you need someone to vouch.

Walt: Well, who introduced you to Krazy 8?

Jesse: Emilio, but that's only 'cause I knew him from like third grade and we can't talk to Emilio either because you-

Walt: Alright, alright, alright, alright.

Jesse: I'm telling you, Mr. White, it's too risky. Okay? I mean we're making money, why can't you just be satisfied with the way it is?

Walt: God! Jesus! Just grow some fucking balls.

Jesse: Wow.

*Walt is at chemo. He writes a check for the chemotherapy*

Office manager: Wait 'til Monday again?

Walt: Yes, please.

*Walt is throwing up in the bathroom. He walks out and washes his face, Hugo hands him a piece of gum*

Hugo: Mr. White.

Walt: Thank you, Hugo.

*Walt is cleaning up his classroom*

Carmen: Knock, knock.

Walt: Oh, hey.

Carmen: How you feelin', Walt?

Walt: Good, yeah.

Carmen: Are you up for having a visitor?

Hank: Hey, buddy.

Walt: Hank.

Carmen: Let me know if you need anything, huh?

Walt: I will, thank you, Carmen.

Hank: Damn. Chick's got an ass like an onion. Makes me wanna cry.

Walt: So what, what are you doing here?

Hank: Well, I had some questions I wanted to run by ya, work-related.

Walt: Oh.

Hank: You feeling okay? I can come back later.

Walt: No, no, no. I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine. What do you mean work-related, though?

Hank: Do you recognize that? *Hank shows Walt the gas mask*

Walt: No, no.

Hank: Well that was used to cut meth. Found it out on some Indian land about forty miles from here. Old label on the inside used to say J.P. Wynne chemistry lab.

Walt: Really? I don't understand how that came from here.

Hank: Well, I was hoping you could help me with that. We found a near-abandoned car belonged to one of our snitches.

Walt: Snitch?

Hank: Yeah, one of our confidential informants. Went missing a while back, no body yet, but we're pretty sure he *clicks his tongue* probably chopped up into little pieces and fed to the buzzards.

Walt: Oh.

Hank: Anyway, you uh, any respirators like that go missing recently?

Walt: No, no. I mean not that I know of.

Hank: I'll need to take a look at that inventory.

Walt: Sure, sure. I've got a list hanging up on the wall.

Hank: Mind if I take a look at your store room?

Walt: Not at all, be my guest.

Hank: Alright, so who's got keys?

Walt: Science faculty, the staff, Carmen the vice principal has the master, and me.

Hank: How about students?

Walt: Uh, no, no students have keys.

Hank: Shit, I should hope not. My question is do any of these little piss ants know where you keep 'em?

Walt: Uh, I don't think so, no. Besides, I keep them right here in my pocket anyway, so...

Hank: Walt, I know they're your students, but do not underestimate them. Big mistake. Are there any other respirators?

Walt: Um, no?

Hank: Cause I'm counting six, inventory says eight.

Walt: Hmm.

*Phone starts ringing*

Hank: Glassware looking a little sparse.

Walt: Is it?

Hank: Yeah, you're missing a couple of Erlenmeyer flasks at least. Oh yeah, a 5000 milliliter round-bottom. Meth heads love to brew in this baby. You gonna answer that?

Walt: Uh, no it's just, no I don't...

Hank: Well, maybe it's Skyler and she's in trouble or something, don't ignore it on my account. Answer it, come on, I got stuff to do, jeez.

Walt: Okay. Hello?

Jesse: Yo, what's up Mr. W?

Walt: Uh, speaking.

Jesse: Oh, bad time to talk?

Walt: Absolutely.

Jesse: Alright, so just listen. So you know that guy we were talking about, Tuco? Turns out my boy Skinny Pete was in the same cell block with him over at Los Lunes, so we got our in. We're hauling a pound to the dude right now.

Walt: Okay then, thank you, thank you very much for calling.

*Walt hangs up the phone*

Walt: *to Hank* My doctor is very solicitous.

Hank: Hey, uh, look buddy, the last thing I wanna do is get you in hot water, but some meth monkey had a feeding frenzy in here, okay? You gotta keep better watch over your turf.

Walt: I will.

Hank: We don't want people to start wondering about you, right? *laughs*

Walt: *laughs* Right, no, absolutely not.

*Jesse and Skinny Pete get out of the car*

Jesse: So you're sure you're tight with this guy?

Pete: Two nuts and a ball sack, yo.

*They cross the street and approach some building. Pete gets pushed back by a big guy*

Pete: Yo, man, I'm Skinny Pete!

*The guy points up at the camera, Pete looks up at it*

Jesse: Maybe this isn't such a good idea, man, come on.

*The door buzzes and the guy lets them in*

Pete: Yeah, man, that's what's happenin'.

*Pete and Jesse walk upstairs and down a hallway*

Pete: Yo, Tuco's expecting us.

*Pete and Jesse get searched*

Pete: No need, man, me and Tuco go back.

*Pete and Jesse enter Tuco's room, Tuco is checking his teeth with a big knife*

Pete: Tuco, what's happenin' my brother?

*Pete goes to give Tuco a pound, Tuco doesn't move*

Pete: Sick crib, yo. You've been keeping it real since you been sprung. What's it been, like a year?

Tuco: This your boy?

Pete: Yeah, Jesse, the dude with the glass I was tellin' you about.

Jesse: Hey man, yeah I've heard a lot about you.

Pete: *to Jesse* Break out the ice.

*Jesse tosses a bag of meth to Tuco, who crushes a piece and gives it to Jesse*

Tuco: Take one.

Jesse: No worries, man, I'm no cop.

Tuco: I said, hit it.

Jesse: Alright.

*Jesse hits it and Tuco takes a hit of his own*

Tuco: Boo yah! Woo! This kicks like a mule with his balls wrapped in duct tape. Where'd you get it?

Jesse: I cooked it.

Tuco: Ha ha, bullshit. Who are you working for?

Jesse: No one, man. I mean I've got a partner that I cook with, but that's it.

Tuco: Alright. We got a deal.

Pete: See, I told you Tuco would hook you up.

Jesse: Cool, I haven't said how much.

*Tuco takes another hit*

Tuco: Alright, how much?

Jesse: Thirty-five large for the pound.

Tuco: Woah, you're a little light ese. It's alright, haha it's all good. It's good! Get out of here.

Jesse: What about the money?

Tuco: You'll get it. It's a consignment operation.

Jesse: You want me to float thirty-five Gs?

Tuco: You don't trust me?

Jesse: No, no, hey, it's not that man, it's just I don't do business that way.

Tuco: Tough shit, the deal is done!

Jesse: *to Pete* You said this was cool. Okay, money for meth, cash up front.

Pete: Don't front, dude, Tuco's good for it.

*Tuco slams his knife down on the table*

Tuco: *to Pete* I don't need your punk ass to vouch for me!

*Jesse grabs the bag of meth and tries to run away. Tuco's guards grab him*

Jesse: Come on, oh come on!

Tuco: Alright, you brought me some really clean crystal, whew. You realy want your money up front?

*Tuco gets up and goes into a safe and puts money in a bag then hands the bag to Jesse. Jesse goes to grab it and Tuco knocks him in the face with the bag then continues to beat him with the bag of money*

Tuco: Nobody moves crystal in the south valley but me, bitch!

*Hugo raises the American flag*

Hank: Morning, Hugo. Don't mind if I call you Hugo, Hugo?

Junior: Is that Uncle Hank?

Hank: Book him.

Junior: Uncle Hank's arresting Mr. Archuleta.

Carmen: It doesn't make any sense to me, I don't understand.

Hank: I've got two words for you: background check.

Jesse: *on answering machine* Yo, yo, yo, 148, three to the six to the nine, representing the ABQ. Whattup biatch? Leave it at the tone.

Walt: Where the hell are you? Call me back.

Skyler: Hey, Walt.

Walt: Yeah.

Skyler: Hank's about to deal.

Walt: Oh, okay, I'll be right there.

Hank: Alright, see what the turn brings us.

Marie: You're looking good Walt, your color's better.

Walt: Yeah? Thanks.

Skyler: He's actually on the pretty strong stuff now. Dr. Docovoli's trying to talk him into taking some time off from work.

Walt: Well, actually I just talked to Carmen this morning and they're getting a substitute for a few weeks.

Skyler: Oh.

Marie: Good for you.

Walt: *to Skyler* I just didn't have a chance to tell you. Sorry.

Hank: *to Junior* Your bet, tough guy.

Junior: Check.

Skyler: Umm, check.

Marie: Check's in the mail. Ten million.

Hank: That's twenty-five million, blue is ten.

Marie: Well then, twenty-five million because that's how I roll.

Junior: Hey, Uncle Hank, why were you arresting Mr. Archuleta the other day? He's a pretty cool guy.

Hank: Well, turns out he has a record. Couple of possession beefs. We figured he was the guy who was stealing your chemistry gear. I mean, you know, he had a key, fit the profile. When we searched his truck we found a big ol' fat blunt. Which goes to prove, ol' huge Hugo ain't so cool after all. It's to you, Walt.

Walt: Yeah, I'll call.

Skyler: You know, I can't believe the school system didn't know about this guy's record. I mean, it's pretty scary. How could something like that just slip through the cracks?

Walt: I don't know, for what it's worth, Hugo just doesn't strike me as a thief.

Hank: Yeah, well, nothing personal Walt, but you wouldn't know a criminal if he was close enough to check you for a hernia. *laughs* That said, we got a search warrant and tore ol' Hugo's house apart. Turns out he's a major league pot head. But he didn't raid your chemistry set. You hiding something? I'm in. And the river card.

Junior: Yeah, I got nothing, I'm out.

Skyler: I'm out.

*Marie puts her cards down*

Hank: Yowzer! Ol' holes in her purse bails, you know she's in deep. Looks like it's you and me, buddy.

Walt: What's gonna happen to him? Hugo?

Hank: Hmm? Oh he's, well, he's gonna lose the job, like he should. Probably spend a couple months in county, this is not his first rap. I'm waiting. You gonna man up or you gonna puss out?

Skyler: Hank.

Hank: Sorry.

Walt: I'm all in.

Hank: You bad, bad, bad, horrible liar. What are you smokin' there, huh? Huh? You got a heart? You got a flush, don't ya? Nope, not falling for it, buddy, I fold.

Marie: Talk about anticlimactic, the cards couldn't have been that bad, come on? Oh my God, you threw away an ace and a cowboy? For what? Ohhh, a handful of nothin'.

*Walt is in the shower, his hair starts falling out. In the kitchen he opens a soda and drinks it. He takes out his phone and calls Jesse*

Pete: Yeah, like, whattup.

Walt: Who is this? I was dialing Jesse Pinkman.

Pete: Hey, man, uh, he's out.

Walt: Where is he, then?

*Walt walks into the hospital, Pete is sitting by Jesse's side*

Pete: You the guy?

Walt: Yeah, I'm the guy. How is he?

Pete: Got some busted ribs and like that. Got messed up pretty good. I was all like, damn Tuco, chill ese. I don't know what got into him, seriously. Oh he's out man, way out. They got him doped up big time. So you're the cook, huh? Yo, I didn't catch your name.

Walt: Tell me about this Tuco. Tell me everything about him

*Walt pees and it's a weird color. He stands in front of the mirror and takes his pills then shaves his head. Outside Skyler and Junior are eating breakfast*

Walt: Morning. *to Junior* Could you pass the butter, please?

Junior: Badass, dad.

*Walt is outside Tuco's place. He's got the bag of meth. He gets out of the car and approaches some muscle*

Walt: You Tuco? I wanna talk to Tuco and I'm not leaving unless I do.

*Inside Walt gets searched. Tuco takes a piece of Walt's meth and looks at it*

Tuco: What's your name?

Walt: Heisenberg.

Tuco: Heisenberg. Okay. Have a seat, Heisenberg.

Walt: I don't imagine I'll be here very long.

Tuco: No? Alright, be that way. It's your meeting. Why don't you start talking and tell me what you want.

Walt: $50,000.

Tuco: *laughs* Oh man, fifty Gs? How you figure that?

Walt: Thirty-five for the pound of meth you stole and another fifteen for my partner's pain and suffering.

Tuco: Partner? *puts out cigarette on his tongue* Oh yeah, I remember that little bitch. So you must be daddy.

*Tuco gets up and takes off his coat*

Tuco: Let me get this straight. I steal your dope. I beat the piss out of your mule boy! And then you walk in here and you bring me more meth? *laughs* Whew, that's a brilliant plan, ese.

Bodyguard: Brilliant.

Walt: You got one part of that wrong. *picks up one of the crystals* This is not meth.

*Walt turns around quickly and throws it toward the ground. The crystal explodes, shooting things out of the windows*

Tuco: Are you fucking nuts?!

Walt: You wanna find out?

Tuco: No, no, Gonzo, calma, calma, calma. You got balls, I'll give you that. Alright, alright, I'll give you your money. That crystal that your partner brought me…it sold faster than $10 ass in TJ. Let's say you bring me another pound next week.

Walt: Money up front.

Tuco: Alright, money up front. Sometimes you gotta rob to keep your riches. Just as long as we got an understanding.

Walt: One pound is not gonna cut it. You have to take two.

Tuco: *laughs* Orale. Hey, what is that shit?

Walt: Fulminated mercury. With a little tweak of chemistry.

*Walt backs out of the room. He walks out of the building toward his car with the bag of money in his hand. He gets in his car and checks the money then starts freaking out excitedly*