[FANNY]
Listen, I got thirty-six expressions
Sweet as pie to tough as leather
And that's six expressions more
Than all them Barrymores put together

Instead of just kicking me
Why don't they give me a lift?
It must be a plot
'Cause they're scared that I got
Such a gift
Well, I'm miffed

'Cause I'm the greatest star
I am by far
But no one knows it
Wait, they're gonna hear a voice
A silver flute – ah ah, ah ah
They'll cheer each toot
"Yay! She's terrific!"
When I expose it

Now, can't you see to look at me
That I'm a natural Camille?
As Camille I just feel
I've so much to offer
Kid, I know I'd be divine because
I'm a natural cougher
(Fanny makes coughing sounds.)

Some ain't got it, not a lump
I'm a great big clump of talent
Laugh! Ooh!
They'll bend in half

[spoken]
Did you ever hear the story about the traveling salesman?

[sung]
A thousand jokes
Stick around for the jokes
A thousand faces
I reiterate
When you're gifted
Then you're gifted
These are facts
I got no axe to grind
Hey, what are they, blind?
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest star

Who is the pip with pizazz?
Who is all ginger and jazz?
Who is as glamorous as?
Who's an American Beauty rose?
With an American Beauty nose?
And ten American Beaty toes?
Eyes on the target and wham
One shot, one gun shot and bam
Hey, Mr. Ziegfeld, here I am
I'm the greatest star
I am by far
But no one knows it
That's why I was born
I'll blow my horn
'Til someone blows it

I'll light up like a light
Right up like a light
I'll flicker then flare up
All the world's gonna stare up
Looking down
You'll never see me
Try the sky
'Cause that'll be me

I can make 'em cry
I can make 'em sigh
Someday they'll clamor
For my drama

Have you guessed yet
Who's the best yet?
If you ain't I'll tell you one more time
You bet your last dime
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest, greatest star