[Verse 1: Barbra Streisand]
He's not a well man
And he's getting worse
If he had any sense
He'd be in bed with a graduate nurse
A couple big specialists
High priced consultation
And outside waiting in the hall
Assorted logic small poor relations

[Verse 2: Barbra Streisand & Jack Kruschen]
His aches have got aches
His pains are in pain
And what sizzles and frizzles
Inside there all the smartest professors could not explain
They wouldn't know what
Be quick as you can

[Refrain: Jack Kruschen]
I might haven't got
You're dealing with not *cough*
With not a well man

[Verse 3: Jack Kruschen]
I'm not a well man
Get worse every year
All the medical doctors
Give one look
They're amazed I'm still here
I should own a pharmacy
For just my prescriptions
My bills for only pills alone
Would chill you to the bone
With conniptions
[Verse 4: Jack Kruschen]
What I have been through
No man could recite
It would make a heartbreaking
Play or story that only
[Turn yet if?] maybe could write
A tragical plot
How can I plan?

[Refrain: Jack Kruschen]
I might haven't got
You're dealing with not *cough*
With not a well man

I'm not a well man!