[Robert Foster]
This is Rap News, adjust your mental tuning
Hello, fellow children of the industrial revolution
We've come of age, but our age seems to be running out of steam
...As well as oil, coal, gas, water and old trees
We face a crisis: in spite of our advancement and science
The ratio of energy expended to energy actually required
Is rapidly declining, just as it did for the Romans, Mayans
And the Easter Islanders, before they crashed and expired
Has our brief joyride passed its peak on the axis?
And does anyone know how to get off it before it collapses?
With not much time left to get some answers
We turn to our leading nations. Speaking for America, General Baxter

[General Baxter]
Bob, This is an era of toil; we've reached peak oil
We now need more energy to retrieve oil from the soil
Than we receive from the oil we retrieve
Which means more recessions: Prepare for GFC3!

[Robert
Can we survive this energy crisis?

[General Baxter]
Why yes!
Yes, we Ameri-Can! Obama is wise and far-sighted
And he's about to ratify this futuristic device

[Robert Foster]
A pipe...

[General Baxter]
Yes!
The KeystoneXL Pipeline, to be precise; which
Will move more crude from Mordor, er the Tar Sands
To Isengard, streaming under large tracts of aquifers and farmlands

[Robert Foster]
Is that safe?

[General Baxter]
It's fine!
It's only leaked twelve times so far, man; we just pay the fines!

[Robert Foster]
Right... But how does this solve the peak oil crisis you described?

[General Baxter]
Uh... err... Jobs, Bob; think of the jobs it will provide
And we'll never depend on foreign oil in the future
...You don't want us to have to go to war again do ya?!

[Wai So Dim]
Oh, yeah, you Americans love the war

[Robert
Ah, here's the next powerful nation to show us the course
China's Minister for Energy, Wai So Dim

[Wai So dim]
Ni Hao, Robert!

[Robert Foster]
Thank for beaming in. How's Beijing?

[Wai So Dim]
Yeah pretty great! As you can see, fresh clean air [cough] to breathe in
Everyone healthy [cough cough] - life amazing.----
But, Co[ugh]fucious say: whole world need to quit coal now

[Robert Foster]
Profound! And how do you plan to bring that about?

[Wai So Dim]
By burning up all the coal that's left!
We call it 'One Coal Policy' --- it total success---
So unlike the US, we never need go to war

[General Baxter]
Wanna bet?
What about Tibet?

[Robert Foster]
We do hear calls to 'Free Tibet'?

[Wai So Dim]
Correct, for China Tibet was free
Yeah, so important part of our free energy policy
Make Tibet our colony;
Lots of copper, oil and possibly best combustible fuel of all:
Monks in the monastery

[Robert Foster]
We've heard the solutions of the super-powers
What about the super-rich? Have they got some newer answers?
Our next guests, discussing these pressing matters
Are entrepreneurs, Elon Musk and Richard Branson

[Elon Musk]
Yo, Richard

[Richard Branson]
What's really good, Elon

[Elon Musk]
Let's flip the script

[Richard Branson]
And show these peons the high-tech shift

[Elon Musk]
That we be on; we're beyond

[Richard Branson]
Two debonaire billionaires

[Elon Musk]
Rockin' recon

[Richard Branson]
Humanity's last best hope for this eon
And yo, Musk

[Elon Musk]
What up

[Richard Branson]
I think it's time that you bust
And show the peeps on earth how it's time to adjust

[Elon Musk]
So check it, Elon Musk, live and direct from Mars
I gave the home planet solar panels and Tesla cars
Electrical

[Richard Branson]
Hmmm!

[Elon Musk]
Ethical ecological miracle

[Richard Branson]
Yeah!
Super

[Elon Musk]
Charged

[Richard Branson]
Super

[Elon Musk]
Design

[Richard Branson]
Super

[Elon Musk]
Refined

[Richard Branson]
Super

[Elon Musk]
Billionaire
Fuelin' 'em with lithium

[Richard Branson]
On fire

[Elon Musk]
Killing 'em
So it's high time we colonise the solar system then
Hey yo, Branson

[Richard Branson]
Sir Richard!

[Elon Musk]
You ready for action?

[Richard Branson]
Born ready

[Elon Musk]
Tell the people of Earth your plan then

[Richard Branson]
Let's get it cracking, we're planning on capturing
Asteroids with nano-droids and then dragging them back in
To orbit earth so we can mine the fuck out of them
For cobalt, zinc, gold, platinum

[Elon Musk]
Just suck it outta them

[Richard Branson]
And make a quick buck out of them

[Robert Foster]
Isn't that dangerous?
What if an asteroid crashed on Earth, because you miscalculated this?

[Richard Branson]
Unfortunate, but...

[Elon Musk]
By then I'll have my fortress on Mars

[Richard Branson]
I'll use Virgin Galactic to stay in orbit

[Elon Musk & Richard Branson]
So long suckers!

[Robert Foster]
Good to know we can count on your resourcefulness, guys
What other energy sources can we find?
Terence Moonseed, what's your view of this scene?

[Terrence Moonseed]
The Illuminati are suppressing the truth from the feed
To lock us in and make it impossible to be free
From the colossal fossil fool industry
But I have one word for you, Robert: free energy!
This whole frickin' system could readily depend
On a blend of Lemurian crystals, alien technology and hemp
But the rotten cotton industry conspired to have hemp condemned
And the government kept UFO tech for weapons instead

[Robert Foster]
And then?

[Terrence Moonseed]
Then climate scientists who owe their degrees to industry
Invented climate change to make energy fees increase
When all energy should be available only for free
Global warming is a hoax!

[Tony Abbott]
Err... I ah totally agree...

[Robert Foster]
Speaking of outlandish solutions for the crisis we're having
Prime Minister of Australia, Tony Abbott

[Tony Abbott]
The Science is out: Since I assumed this leader position
'Straya's heard no bad news from the climate commission

[Robert Foster]
Because you abol...

[Tony Abbott]
Because I abolished it!!
We'll also hear a lot less from the.. ah.. Tarkine Forest and
The reef, renewable energy...

[Robert Foster]
Mining companies?

[Tony Abbott]
What is this the ABC? Don't make me cut your funding
Hey, in 'Straya deadly bush fires are part of the deal

[Terrence Moonseed]
And this fake snow in the US is geo-engineered to kill!

[Tony Abbott]
I don't trust climate scientists

[Terrence Moonseed]
They clearly just shill

[Robert Foster]
Curious that opposite sides can believe...

[Tony Abbott & Terrence Moonseed]
Climate Change is not real!!

[Robert Foster]
We've heard theorems, challenges and thoughts from
Entrepreneurs, free thinkers, and leaders on this forum
Yet time's up and we still seem stalled with no way forward
But wait! We're getting a call on the juice channeling portal!
I'll turn it up... who's trying to confer with us?

[Copernicus]
Helio

[Robert Foster]
Wait... is that... Copernicus?

[Copernicus]
Can you hear me?

[Robert Foster]
For certain, but
What have you got to say on the energy crisis concerning us?

[Copernicus]
Vell... I wrote this book it in fifteen-forty-three
In which I proposed the heliocentric theory

[Robert foster]
Yes, we know... the sun at the centre...

[Copernicus]
And the earth moves around it

[Robert Foster]
Revolutionary...

[Copernicus]
But zee fools in my day refused to see

[Robert Foster]
Well, it took centuries, but now we do accept it

[Copernicus]
Nie, I see you noobs still not quite get it
Which is why I, Copernicus, have returned to state this

[Robert Foster]
State what?

[Copernicus]
You are still living in the Dark Ages
But the second heliocentric revolution is nigh
To discern your place in the cosmos you once shifted your minds
You must do that again, when you think of energy source:
The sun, not the earth is at the centre of the universe

[Robert Foster]
Of course, just as earth revolves around the sun in a cycle
So must human life?

[Copernicus]
And it must happen at once: It's vital
It's your only hope of survival

[Robert Foster]
The signal's dying!

[Copernicus]
I must go now! Other planets need reminding

[Robert Foster]
Thank you, Copernicus, for returning with such force to provide us
This urgent advice during this awesome crisis
And to our guests, those invited and all who surprised us
Now a final thought before we end these tidings
Many of our problems do require resource findings
Scientific advances, new tools and devices
But this crisis requires a realignment of paradigm which
Has to happen, not in a lab but in our own minds...
The second heliocentric revolution has already begun
Will we have time to effect this great shift vis-a-vis the sun?
Or will we shun our star's light and fall into darkness?
Join us next month as we search for more answers