[Verse 1: Lord Mingeworthy]
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A strange plant these Yankees call weed (Is this a crown?)

[Verse 2: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two British orphans
And I'll decorate this thing they call weed (That smells like shit!)

[Verse 3: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Harry Potter DVDs
Two British orphans
And I'm trying to retrieve my weed (Pull harder, darling!)

[Verse 4: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Four STDs!
I can't play DVDs
I don't think I want these!
And I think I'll eat this plant they call weed (Om-nm-nm-nm!)

[Verse 5: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Five cans of beans!
Four STDs!
Can I return this please?
Who the fuck's are these?
And I'm starting to acquire munchies (Daddy hungry!)

[Verse 6: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Existential crisis
Five cans of beans!
I'm sure you gave me these!
I'll wear these DVDs!
I'm selling these babies
And I shall eat the next thing that looks at me (Oh)

[Verse 7: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me (Here you go!)
I don't think I like this
Existential crisis
Five cans of—Oh yeah!
They don't have cures for these!
Oh God, it's in Chinese!
You have all the skills you need
And I think I'm in a Human Centipede (No, you're high, darling)
[Verse 8: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight minutes fucking!
Tell me if you like this!
Existential crisis!
Five cans of beans
You gave me STDs!
You gave me DVDs
They kidnapped our babies
Well, I'm too high to find them, call the police (Please)

[Verse 9: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the ninth day of Christmas, you see, my true love gave to me
Nine cavities
Eight minutes milking
You told me you like this
Existential crisis!
Five cans—Please! No more! Ugh!
I don't need herpes!
I fucking hate Dobby
They want ransom money
And I don't think this was a Christmas turkey—Shit!

[Verse 10: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten minutes on his knees
Nine cavities
Eight pints of tit piss
I don't think we can sell this
Existential crisis!
Five—Oh shit!
These warts have amplified!
And thank God Dobby died
I'll Venmo you tonight
And I think I just committed homicide (Shit!)
[Verse 11: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven hours fighting
Ten minutes on his knees
You struck my cavities!
My breast milk sold on Ebay!
How am I to ship this?
Existential crisis
Five cans of beans! (So sorry, dear!)
I have STDs!
I'm so Hermione!
Those fuckers lied to me!
What the fuck did they put in this weed? (I think weed)

[Verse 12: Lord Mingeworthy, Lady Mingeworthy]
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A year of couple's counseling
Eleven months of fighting
Ten minutes on his knees!
Begging Divorce, please
We got five stars on this!
It's time we should sell piss
That'll cure my crisis!
I'm never eating beans again!
Four more STDs
Well, fuck those DVDs!
I'm over those babies
And that's the last time I'll ever do weed!