[BRIAN, spoken]
I've got a problem with the way you sleep!

(sung)
You won't sleep on your tummy

[JOE]
You won't sleep on your back

[BRIAN & JOE]
We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree

[BRIAN]
We share some hands and fingers

[JOE]
And yet the feeling lingers

[BRIAN & JOE]
We're just about as different
As anyone can be

[JOE]
You like plotting a garden
And I like plotting to kill
[BRIAN]
You think that you should rule the world
I think books are a thrill!

Sipping tea by the fire is swell

[JOE]
Pushing people in is fun as well!

I like folding all my ties[BRIAN]
And you have no friends
Hey, that's a surprise 
[JOE]
Hey![BRIAN & JOE]
I guess it's plain to see
When you look at you and me
We're different
Different
As can be

[JOE]
You're a sissy, a twat, a girl!
I'm the darkest of lords!

[BRIAN]
I'm the brightest twat we've got here
I've won several awards!
[JOE]
My new world is about to unfold

[BRIAN]
You got beat by a two-year-old

[JOE]
I'll kill him this time, through and through

[BRIAN]
Or you might just give him another tattoo

[BRIAN & JOE]
You really must agree
When you look at you and me
We're different
Different
As can-

[JOE]
I'll rise again and I'll rule the world
But you must help me renew

[BRIAN, spoken]
Me?
[JOE]
For when our plan succeeds -

[BRIAN, spoken]
Prevails?!

[JOE]
Part of that world goes to you

[BRIAN]
When I rule the world, I'll plant flowers

[JOE]
When I rule the world, I'll have... snakes![JOE]
And goblins and Thestrals
A fleet of Dementors
And giants and werewolves
And all my Death Eaters![BRIAN]
 
And Jane Austin novels![BRIAN & JOE]
When I rule the world!

I guess it's plain to see
When you look at you and me
We're
Different
Different
As can be

We simply guarantee
When you look at you and me
We're
Different
Different
As can be

[BRIAN]
It's a comedy of sorts
When you're bounds to Voldemort!

[JOE, spoken]
You're making me blush!

(sung)
And I'm happy as a squirrel
'long as I'm with Mr. Quirrell!

[BRIAN, spoken]
What a ham!

[BRIAN & JOE]
We'll lead him to slaughter
And we'll murder Harry Potter!

We're different
Different
Different, different
As can be!

[BRIAN, spoken]
Ahh!

[JOE, spoken]
Stop it!