[Verse 1]

I write for people who twerk and flex
I write for worthless specks
Of dirt who burp n' retch
I write for people who are circumspect
To a certain extent
I write for nervous wrecks

I write for nerds who like pervy sex
I write for virgins who have learned respect
I write for people who have birth defects, n'
Service pets, n' people stuck in the murky depths

I write for people on the 13th step
People with bourbon breath
People who hurt themselves

The more I write, the worse it gets
I write for those who can't work for checks
For those the church rejects

For recipients of urgent texts
From their surgeons
Explaining what's worse than death
For influencers with worse fx than 36 percocets
I write for Jervis Tetch

[Chorus]

I write for thepersonnexttoya
Tone-deaf listeners
Readers with dyslexia

Anorexics n' Mexicans, aces, grays
Gays n' lesbians, especially in Chechnya

I write for transgender fam, gender transcenders
People of all colors, purple with antennas

Your dad's friend, who's a dentist, who's bad at tennis
That one Anakin fan who's defending "The Phantom Menace,"

[Verse 2]

I write for Anna Kendrick n' Annie Lennox's management
I write for bad attendance at an Edison fan event

I write for a sad percentage
I'll write for a can of spinach
I'll put my writings in the box
Where the spam is sent
I write for trendsetters n' people with vendettas
Against them who still pen letters to editors' shredders
I write for bedwetters n' red setters in heavy weather
I write for people with muppet voices, like Eddie Vedder

It's a tête-à-tête with people I've never met
Or better yet, reason to get upset at my inadequate etiquette

Ready, set, subject, predicate
End of sentence

I write for folks who are prisoners of their independence

I write for Ken Jennings, and others in Jeopardy
I write for people being threatened with weaponry
I write for casualties of technical discrepancy
But most importantly for people who think I write ineffectively

[Chorus]

I write for thepersonnexttoya
Tone-deaf listeners
Readers with dyslexia

Anorexics n' Mexicans, aces, grays
Gays n' lesbians, especially in Chechnya
I write for transgender fam, gender transcenders
People of all colors, purple with antennas

Your dad's friend, who's a dentist, who's bad at tennis
That one Anakin fan who's defending "The Phantom Menace,"

[Bridge]

I write for people I've neglected to mention
N' those toward whom I shouldn't direct your attention
To protect and defend them, with the best of intentions
I write for people in an undetected dimension

I write for bi, pan, demi, n' a bunch of labels
I write for people who never get to have lunch at tables
I write for a scant segment, of a piece of a fraction
I write for anyone who needs a distraction

[Chorus]

I write for thepersonnexttoya
Tone-deaf listeners
Readers with dyslexia

Anorexics n' Mexicans, aces, grays
Gays n' lesbians, especially in Chechnya

I write for transgender fam, gender transcenders
People of all colors, purple with antennas

Your dad's friend, who's a dentist, who's bad at tennis
That one Anakin fan who's defending "The Phantom Menace,"

I write for thepersonnexttoya
Tone-deaf listeners
Readers with dyslexia

Anorexics n' Mexicans, aces, grays
Gays n' lesbians, especially in Chechnya

I write for transgender fam, gender transcenders
People of all colors, purple with antennas

Your dad's friend, who's a dentist, who's bad at tennis
That one Anakin fan who's defending "The Phantom Menace,"

[Outro]

I'll write for anything from panda exhibits
To cancer clinics
But I'll be damned if I finish in a span of minutes
I'm not Hammond Innes
My doppelgangers have limits!

Can it, critics!
I just ran out of lyrics!