ACT V

SCENE 1

(Pinchwife’s Lodging) (That evening)
(Enter Mr. Pinchwife and Mrs. Pinchwife, a Table and a lit Candle)

Pinchwife: Come take the Pen and make an end of the Letter just as you intended. If you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it and punish you with this as you deserve. (Lays his hand on his Sword.) Write what was to follow---let's see---(Reads) “You must make haste and help me away before tomorrow, or else I shall be forever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our . . .” What follows “our?”

Mrs. Pinchwife: Must all out then Budd? Look you there then. (Mrs. Pinchwife takes the Pen and writes.) Pinchwife: Let's see---“For I can defer no longer our--- Wedding---Your slighted Alithea.” What's the meaning of this? My Sisters name to it? I am stunned! My head turns round, speak!

Mrs. Pinchwife: She'll be angry with me, but I had rather she should be angry with me than you Bud. And to tell you the truth, 'twas she made me write the Letter and taught me what I should write.

Pinchwife: Ha---I thought the style was somewhat better, but how could she come to you to teach you, since I had locked you up alone?

Mrs. Pinchwife: O, through the keyhole, Bud.

Pinchwife: But why should she make you write a Letter for her to him, since she can write herself?

Mrs. Pinchwife: Why, she said because---

Pinchwife: Because what---because?

Mrs. Pinchwife: Because lest Mr. Horner should be cruel and refuse her, she might disown it, the hand not being hers.

Pinchwife: How's this? Ha! (Aside) This changeling could not invent this lie, but why should she? Now I think on it, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish, and her disowning her marriage to me makes me think she has evaded it for Horner's sake. (Aloud) But hark you Madam, your Sister went out in the morning, and I have not seen her within since.

Mrs. Pinchwife: Alack a day, she has been crying all day above, it seems, in a corner.

Pinchwife: Where is she? Let me speak with her.

Mrs. Pinchwife: (Aside) O Lord then he'll discover all. (Aloud) Pray hold Budd, do you mean to discover me? She'll know I have told you then. Pray, Budd, let me talk with her first . . .

Pinchwife: I must speak with her to know whether Horner ever made her any promise and whether she be married to Sparkish or no.

Mrs. Pinchwife: Pray, dear Budd, don't till I have spoken with her and told her that I have told you all, for she'll kill me else.

Pinchwife: Go then and bid her come out to me.

Mrs. Pinchwife: Yes, yes Budd---

Pinchwife: Let me see---

Mrs. Pinchwife: (Aside) I'll go, but she is not within to come to him. I have just got time to know of Lucy, her Maid, what lie I shall tell next, for I am at my wits' end. (Exit Mrs. Pinchwife)

Pinchwife: Well I resolve it, Horner shall have her. I'd rather give him my Sister than lend him my Wife, and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my Wife sure. I'll make him kin to her, and then he won't care for her,

(Mrs. Pinchwife returns)
Mrs. Pinchwife: O Lord Budd, I told you what anger you would make me with my Sister.

Pinchwife: Won't she come hither?

Mrs. Pinchwife: No no, alack a day, she's ashamed to look you in the face, and she says if you go in to her, she'll run away downstairs and shamefully go herself to Mr. Horner, who has promised her marriage she says, and she will have no other, so she won't.

Pinchwife: Did he so? Promise her marriage? Then she shall have no other, go tell her so, and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately. Go! (Exit Mrs. Pinchwife.) His estate is equal to Sparkish's and his extraction as much better than his, but my chief reason is I'd rather be of kin to him by the name of Brother-in-law than that of Cuckold. (Enter Mrs. Pinchwife.) Well what says she now?

Mrs. Pinchwife: Why, she says she would only have you lead her to Horner's lodging, with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talk with you, which yet she cannot do, for, alack poor creature, she says she can't so much as look you in the face. Therefore she'll come to you in a mask, and you must excuse her if she make you no answer to any question of yours till you have brought her to Mr. Horner, and if you will not question her, she'll come out to you immediately.

Pinchwife: Let her come. I will not speak a word to her nor require a word from her.

Mrs. Pinchwife: Oh I forgot. Besides, she says, she cannot look you in the face through a mask, therefore would desire you to put out the Candle.

Pinchwife: I agree to all. Let her make haste. (Mrs. Pinchwife puts out the Candle and exits) There 'tis out---My case is something better. I'd rather fight with Horner for not lying with my Sister than for lying with my Wife. And of the two I had rather find my Sister too forward than my Wife. I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the Town. Well, Wife and Sister are names which make us expect Love and duty, pleasure and comfort, but we find them plagues and torments and are equally troublesome to their keeper, for we have as much ado to get people to lie with our Sisters as to keep them from lying with our Wives. (Enter Mrs. Pinchwife Masked and in Hoods and Scarves and a nightgown and Petticoat of Alithea’s in the dark.) What are you come, Sister? Let us go then. But first let me lock up my Wife. Mrs. Margery, where are you?

Mrs. Pinchwife: Here Budd.

Pinchwife: Come hither, that I may lock you up. Get you in. (Locks the door.) Come Sister where are you now? (Mrs. Pinchwife: gives him her hand, but when he lets her go, she steals softly on the other side of him and is led away by him for his Sister Alithea)

SCENE 2

(Horner’s Lodging.) (Later that evening)

(Quack and Horner revealed)

Quack: What all alone? Not so much as one of your Cuckolds here nor one of their Wives? They use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you.

Horner: A Pox, keeping a Cuckold company after you have had his Wife is as tiresome as the company of a Country Squire to a witty fellow of the Town when he has got all his Money,

Quack: But what becomes of that intrigue with Pinchwife's Wife? Did she not send you a Letter by him?

Horner: Yes, but that's a riddle I have not yet solved. What, here's the man we are talking of, I think.

(Enter Servant leading Mr. Pinchwife, leading in his Wife Masked, Muffled and in her Sister’s Gown. Exit Servant.)

Horner: What means this?

Pinchwife: The last time, you know Sir, I brought you a love Letter. Now you see a Mistress. I think you'll say I am a civil man to you.

Horner: I know thou art an honest fellow and hast a great acquaintance among the Ladies. Make her show, man. Art thou sure I don't know her?

Pinchwife: I am sure you do know her.

Horner: A Pox, why dost thou bring her to me then?

Pinchwife: Because she's a Relation of mine.

Horner: Is she, man? Then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear Rogue.

Pinchwife: You'll make her welcome for my sake, I hope.

Horner: I hope she is handsome enough to make herself welcome.

Pinchwife: Do you speak to her. She would never be ruled by me.

Horner: Madam—(Mrs. Pinchwife: whispers to Horner) She says she must speak with me in private. Withdraw, prithee.

Pinchwife: (Aside) She's unwilling it seems I should know all her undecent conduct in this business. (Aloud) Well then, I'll leave you together and hope when I am gone you'll agree. If not, you and I shan't agree, Sir.

Horner: If she and I agree, 'tis no matter what you and I do. (Whispers to Mrs. Pin, who makes signs with her hand for him to be gone.)

Pinchwife: In the meantime I'll fetch a Parson and find out Sparkish and disabuse him. You would have me fetch a Parson, would you not? (Aside) Well then, Now I think I am rid of her and shall have no more trouble with her.

(Exit Pinchwife: Enter Servant)

Servant: Sir Jaspar Fidget, Sir, is coming up.

Horner: A pox on him, has he not enough to do to hinder his Wife's sport but he must other women's too? Step in here, Madam.

(Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. Enter Sir Jaspar. Exit servant).

Sir Jaspar: My best and dearest Friend.

Horner: (Aside to Quack) The old style, Doctor. Well, be short for I am busy. What would your impertinent Wife have now?

Sir Jaspar: Well guessed in faith, for I do come from her.

Horner: To invite me to supper. Tell her I can't come, go.

Sir Jaspar: Nay, my Lady and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolved upon a frolic of coming to you tonight.

Horner: I shan't be at home.

Sir Jaspar: Lord, how churlish he is to women. Nay, prithee don't disappoint them. They'll think 'tis my fault, prithee don't. But make no noise on it, for the poor virtuous Rogues would not have it known for the world that they come to no man's Ball but yours.

Horner: Well, well, get you gone and tell them if they come, 'twill be at the peril of their honor and yours.

Sir Jaspar: Heh, he, he---we'll trust you for that, farewell.

(Exit Sir Jaspar.)

Horner: Doctor, anon you too shall be my guest. But now I'm going to a private feast.

(Horner and Quack exit.)

SCENE 3
(An exterior setting) (Later that evening)

(Enter Sparkish, Pinchwife. Sparkish with the Letter in his hand.)

Sparkish: But who would have thought a woman could have been false to me, by the world. Pinchwife: You are a frank person, and so is she, you see there.

Sparkish: Nay, if this be her hand, for I never saw it.

Pinchwife: 'Tis no matter whether that be her hand or no. I am sure this hand at her desire led her to Mr. Horner, with whom I left her just now to go fetch a Parson to them to deprive you of her forever, for it seems yours was but a mock marriage.

Sparkish: Indeed she would needs have it that 'twas Harcourt himself in a Parsons habit that married us, but I'm sure he told me 'twas his Brother Ned.

Pinchwife: O there 'tis out and you were deceived, not she. But I must be gone. You'll find her at Mr. Horner's. Go and believe your eyes.
(Exit Mr. Pinchwife)

Sparkish: Nay, I'll to her and call her as many Crocodiles, Sirens, Harpies, and other heathenish names as a Poet would do a Mistress who had refused to hear his suit. But stay, is not that she following a Torch at the other end of the Piazza, and from Horner's? Certainly---'tis so--- (Enter Alithea and Lucy behind with a Torch) You are well met, Madam. What, you have made a short visit to Mr. Horner? But I suppose you'll return to him presently, by that time the Parson can be with him.

Alithea: Mr. Horner and the Parson, Sir?

Sparkish: Come Madam, no more dissembling, no more jilting.

Alithea: How's this?

Lucy: (Aside) So 'twill work I see---

Sparkish: Could you find out no easy Country Fool to abuse? None but me, a Gentleman of wit and pleasure? But it was your pride to be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy false woman! False as dice who undo those that trust all they have to them.

Alithea: You have been too merry, Sir, at your wedding dinner sure.

Sparkish: Have you the confidence to stand my just reproaches? You did not write an impudent Letter to Mr. Horner? Who I find now has clubbed with you in deluding me with his aversion for women, that I might not suspect him for my Rival?

Lucy: (Aside) Do you think the Gentleman can be jealous now, Madam?

Alithea: I write a Letter to Mr. Horner!

Sparkish: Nay Madam, do not deny it. Your Brother showed it me just now and told me likewise he left you at Horner's lodging to fetch a Parson to marry you to him. And I wish you joy, Madam, joy, joy, and to him too much joy, and to myself more joy for not marrying you.

Alithea: (Aside) I see this Gentleman can be made jealous. (Aloud) O Lucy, by his rude usage and jealousy he makes me almost afraid I am married to him. Art thou sure 'twas Harcourt, himself, and no Parson that married us?

Sparkish: I suppose that was a contrivance too of Mr. Horner's and yours to make Harcourt play the Parson. For shall I tell you another truth? I never had any passion for you, „till now, for now I hate you. 'Tis true I might have married your portion, as other men of parts of the Town do sometimes, and so your Servant. And to show my unconcernedness, I'll come to your wedding and resign you with as much joy as I would a stale wench to a new Cully. There's for you, and so your Servant.
(Exit Spar.)

Alithea: How was I deceived in a man!

Lucy: You'll believe, then, a fool may be made jealous now?

Alithea: But marry Mr. Horner? My brother does not intend it, sure? If I thought he did, I would take thy advice and Mr. Harcourt for my Husband. Away, impertinent!

Lucy: Yes, Madam. (Aside) And here I hope we shall find Mr. Harcourt---

(Exeunt Alithea, Lucy.)

ACT V
SCENE 4
(Horner's Lodging) (Later that night)

(Horner, Lady Fidget, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, Mrs. Squeamish revealed, a Table, Banquet, and Bottles. Ladies singing “Three Blind Mice.”)

Horner: (Aside) A Pox they are come too soon---before I have sent back my new Mistress.

Lady Fidget: That we may be sure of our welcome, we have brought our entertainment with us and are resolved to treat thee, dear Toad.

Dainty: And that we may be merry, have left Sir Jaspar and my old Lady Squeamish quarrelling at home.

Squeamish: Therefore let us make use of our time, lest they should chance to interrupt us.

Horner: First that you may be private, let me lock this door, and I'll wait upon you presently.

Lady Fidget: Now Ladies, supposing we had drank each of us our two Bottles, let us speak the truth of our hearts.

Dainty and Squeamish: Agreed.

Squeamish: Lovely Brimmer, let me enjoy him first.

Lady Fidget: I never part with a Gallant till I've tried him. Dear Brimmer, that makest our Husbands short-sighted.

Dainty: And our bashful gallants bold.

Squeamish: And for want of a Gallant, the Butler lovely in our eyes. Drink, Eunuch.

Lady Fidget: Drink thou representative of a Husband. Damn a Husband!

Dainty: The filthy Toads choose Mistresses now as they do Stuffs, for having been fancied and worn by others.

Lady Fidget: Whilst women of quality, like the richest Stuffs, lie untumbled and unasked for. Let me tell you, Sir, there is nowhere more freedom than in our houses, and we take freedom from a young person as a sign of good breeding. And a person may be as free as he pleases with us, as frolick, as gamesome, as wild as he will.

Horner: Haven't I heard you all declaim against wild men?

Lady Fidget: Yes, but for all that we think wildness in a man a desirable quality. A tame man, foh.

Horner: I know not, but your Reputations frightened me as much as your Faces invited me.

Lady Fidget: Our Reputation, Lord! Why should you not think that we women make use of our Reputation as you men of yours? Only to deceive the world with less suspicion.

Squeamish: And that Demureness, Coyness, and Modesty, that you see in our Faces in the Boxes at Plays is as much a sign of a kind woman as a Vizard-mask in the Pit.

Dainty: For I assure you, women are least masked when they have the Velvet Vizard on.

Lady Fidget: You would have found us modest women in our denials only.

Horner: I beg your pardon, Ladies, I was deceived in you devilishly. But why that mighty pretence to Honor?
Lady Fidget: We have told you. 'Twas for the same reason you men pretend business often, to avoid ill company, to enjoy the better and more privately those you love.

Horner: But why, would you never give a Friend a wink then?

Lady Fidget: Faith, your Reputation frightened us as much as ours did you, you were so notoriously lewd.

Horner: And you so seemingly honest.

Lady Fidget: Was that all that deterred you?

Horner: And so expensive. I was afraid of losing my money as well as my time, both which my other pleasures required.

Lady Fidget: Money, foh---you talk like a little fellow now. Do such as we expect money?

Dainty: Such as we make sale of our hearts?

Squeamish: We, bribed for our Love? Foh.

Horner: With your pardon, Ladies, we must let you win at Cards or we lose your hearts. And if you make an assignation, 'tis at a Goldsmiths, Jewelers or China house.

Dainty: Would you not have us assured of our Gallant's Love?

Squeamish: For Love is better known by Liberality than by Jealousy.

Lady Fidget: Come, here's to our Gallants in waiting, whom we must name, and I'll begin. This is my false Rogue. (Claps him on the back).

Squeamish: How!

Squeamish: (Aside to Horner) Did you not tell me, 'twas for my sake only you reported yourself no man?

Dainty: (Aside to Horner) Oh Wretch! did you not swear to me, 'twas for my Love and Honor you passed for that thing you do?

Horner: So, so.

Lady Fidget: Ladies, this is my false Villain.

Squeamish: And mine too.

Dainty: And mine.

Horn: Well then, you are all three my false Rogues too, and there's an end on it.

Lady Fidget: Well then, there's no remedy, Sister Sharers. Let us not fall out, but have a care of our Honor.

Horner: Come, faith Madam, let us pardon one another, for all the difference I find betwixt we men and you women, we forswear ourselves at the beginning of an Amour, you, as long as it lasts.

(Enter Servant leading Sir Jaspar Fidget, and old Lady Squeamish. Exit Servant)

Sir Jaspar: Oh my Lady Fidget, was this your cunning to come to Mr. Horner without me? But you have been nowhere else I hope?

Lady Fidget: No, Sir Jaspar.

Old L. Squeamish: And you came straight hither Biddy?

Squeamish: Yes indeed, Lady Grandmother.

Sir Jaspar: 'Tis well, 'tis well. I knew when once they were thoroughly acquainted with poor Horner, they'd never be from him, and I warrant her Reputation safe.

(Enter Servant).

Servant: O Sir, here's the Gentleman come whom you bid me not suffer to come up without giving you notice, with a Lady and other Gentlemen.

Horner: Do you all go in there, while I send them away, and, Boy, do you desire them to stay below 'til I come, which shall be immediately.

(Exeunt Sir Jaspar, Lady Fidget, Old Lady Squeamish, Mistress Dainty, Squeamish.)

Servant: Yes Sir.

(Exit Servant. Exit Horner at the other door and returns with Mistress Pinchwife.)

Horner: Pray, my Dearest, be persuaded to go home and leave the rest to my management. I'll let you down the back way.

Mrs. Pinchwife: I don't know the way home, so I don't.

Horner: My man shall wait upon you.

Mrs. Pinchwife: What, are you weary of me already?

Horner: No my life, 'tis that I may love you long. 'Tis to secure my love and your Reputation with your Husband. He'll never receive you again else.

Mrs. Pinchwife: What care I? I don't intend to go to him again. You shall be my Husband now.

Horner: I cannot be your Husband, Dearest, since you are married to him.

Mrs. Pinchwife: O would you make me believe that? Don't I see every day at London here, women leave their first Husband and go and live with other men as their Wives. Pish, pshaw, you'd make me angry, but that I love you so mainly.

Horner: In again, in, I hear them. (Places Mistress Pinchwife behind the screen). Well, a silly Mistress betrays her Husband first to her Gallant and then her Gallant to her Husband.

(Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, Lucy)

Pinchwife: Come, Madam, 'tis not the confidence of your asseverations and your false witness there shall persuade me I did not bring you hither just now. Here's my witness who cannot deny it, since you must be confronted. Mr. Horner, did not I bring this Lady to you just now?

Horner: (Aside) Now must I wrong one woman for another's sake.

Alithea: Pray, speak Sir.

Pinchwife: What, you are studying an evasion or excuse for her? She bids you speak.

Alithea: Ay, pray Sir, do, pray satisfy him.

Horner: Then truly, you did bring that Lady to me just now.

Pinchwife: O ho---

Alithea: How, Sir?

Harcourt: How, Horner! Alithea: What mean you, Sir? I always took you for a man of Honor?

Sparkish: So if I had had her, she'd have made me believe the Moon had been made of a Christmas pie.

Lucy: (Aside) Now could I speak, if I durst, and solve the Riddle, who am the Author of it.

Alithea: You share in my disgrace, Sir. And it is your censure which I must now suffer that troubles me, not theirs.

Harcourt: Madam, then have no trouble. You shall now see 'tis possible for me to love without being jealous. I will not only believe your innocence myself, but make all the world believe it. Horner, I must now be concerned for this Lady's Honor.

Horner: And I must be concerned for a Lady's Honor, too.

Harcourt: I understand you not

Horner: I would not have you.

Mrs. Pinchwife: What's the matter with them all? (Mistress Pinchwife peeping from behind the screen.) Pinchwife: Come, come, Mr. Horner, no more disputing. I have a Parson below. I brought him not in vain.

Harcourt: No Sir. I'll employ him, if this Lady please.

Pinchwife: How, what do you mean?

Spark: Ay, what does he mean?

Horner: Why, I have resigned your Sister to him. He has my consent.

Pinchwife: But he has not mine Sir! A woman's injured Honor can be repaired or satisfied by any but him that first wronged it. And you shall marry her presently, or . . . (Lays his hand on his Sword. Enter to them Mistress Pinchwife.)

Mistress Pinchwife: (Aside) O Lord, they'll kill poor Mr. Horner. Besides he shall not marry her while I stand by and look on. I'll not lose my second Husband so. (She comes out to them.)

Pinchwife: What do I see?

Alithea: My Sister in my clothes!

Spark: Ha!

Mrs. Pinchwife: Nay, pray now don't quarrel about finding work for the Parson. (To Mr. Pinchwife.) He shall marry me to Mr. Horner, for now I believe you have enough of me. Pray Sister, pardon me for telling so many lies of you.

Harcourt: I suppose the Riddle is plain now.

Lucy: No, that must be my work. Good Sir, hear me. (Kneels to Mr. Pinchwife who stands doggedly with his hat over his eyes.) Pinchwife: I will never hear woman again, but make them all silent thus. (Offers to draw upon his Wife.) Horner: No, that must not be.

Pinchwife: You then shall go first. 'Tis all one to me. (Offers to draw on Horner, stopped by Harcourt.) Harcourt: Hold---

(Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget, Lady Fidget, Old Lady Squeamish, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, Mrs. Squeamish.)

Sir Jaspar: What's the matter, what's the matter, pray what's the matter Sir? I beseech you communicate, Sir.

Pinchwife: Why, my Wife has communicated Sir, as your Wife may have done too, Sir, if she knows him, Sir.

Sir Jaspar: Pshaw, with him, ha, ha, he.

Pinchwife: Do you mock me, Sir? A Cuckold is a kind of a wild Beast. Have a care, Sir.

Sir Jaspar: No, sure you mock me, Sir. He cuckold you! It can't be, ha, ha, he, why, I'll tell you Sir. (Offers to whisper.)

Pinchwife: I tell you again, he has whored my Wife and yours too, if he knows her, and all the women he comes near. 'Tis not his dissembling, his hypocrisy can wheedle me.

Sir Jaspar: How does he dissemble? Is he a Hypocrite? Nay, then---how---Wife---Sister is he a Hypocrite?

Old L. Squeamish: A Hypocrite, a dissembler? Speak young Harlotry, speak how?

Sir Jaspar: Speak good Horner, art thou a dissembler, a Rogue? Hast thou . . .

Horner: Soh---

Lucy: (Aside to Horner) I'll fetch you off and her too, if she will but hold her tongue.

Horner: (Aside to Lucy) Canst thou? I'll give thee . . .

Lucy (to Mr. Pin.) Pray, have but patience to hear me, Sir, who am the unfortunate cause of all this confusion. Your Wife is innocent, I only culpable, for I put her upon telling you all these lies concerning my Mistress in order to break off the match between Mr. Sparkish and her to make way for Mr. Harcourt.

Sparkish: Did you so, eternal Rotten-tooth? Then it seems my Mistress was not false to me. I was only deceived by you, brother that should have been. Now, man, to bring your Wife to her Lover--- ha---

Lucy: I assure you, Sir, she came not to Mr. Horner out of love, for she loves him no more . . .

Mrs. Pinchwife: Hold, I told lies for you, but you shall tell none for me, for I do love Mr. Horner with all my soul, and nobody shall say me nay. Pray don't you go to make poor Mr. Horner believe to the contrary. 'Tis spitefully done of you, I'm sure.

Horner: (Aside to Mrs. Pin.) Peace, Dear Idiot.

(Enter Dorilant, Quack.)

Dorilant: Horner, your Servant, I am the Doctor's Guest. He must excuse our intrusion.

Quack: But what's the matter, Gentlemen, for Heaven's sake, what's the matter?

Horner: Oh 'tis well you are come. 'Tis a censorious world we live in. You may have brought me a reprieve, or else I had died for a crime I never committed, and these innocent Ladies had suffered with me. Therefore pray satisfy these worthy, honorable, jealous Gentlemen (Whispers.) that . . .

Quack: O I understand you. Is that all? Sir Jasper, by heavens and upon the word of a Physician (Whispers to Sir Jasper.) Sir, . . .

Sir Jaspar: Nay, I do believe you truly. Pardon me, my virtuous Lady and dear of honor.

Old L. Squeamish: What, then all's right again?

Sir Jaspar: Ay, ay, and now let us satisfy him too. (They whisper with Mr. Pinch.)

Pinchwife: A Eunuch! Pray, no fooling with me.

Quack: I'll bring half the Chirurgions in Town to swear it.

Pinchwife: They---they'll swear a man that bled to death through his wounds died of an Apoplexy.

Quack: Pray, hear me, Sir. Why, all the Town has heard the report of him.

Pinchwife: But does all the Town believe it?

Quack: Pray inquire a little, and first of all these.

Pinchwife: I'm sure when I left the Town he was the lewdest fellow in it.

Quack: I tell you, Sir, he has been in France since. Pray ask your friend, Mr. Dorilant. Gentlemen and Ladies, haven't you all heard the late sad report of poor Mr. Horner?

All Ladies: Ay, ay, ay.

Dorilant: Why, thou jealous Fool dost thou doubt it? He's an errant French Capon.

Mrs. Pinchwife: 'Tis false Sir, you shall not disparage poor Mr. Horner, for to my certain knowledge--

Lucy: O hold---

Squeamish: (Aside to Lucy.) Stop her mouth---

Dainty: Do you think we would have been seen in his company---

Squeamish: Trust our unspotted reputations with him!

Pinchwife: Well, if this were true, but my Wife . . .
(Dorilant whispers with Mrs. Pinch.)

Alithea: Come Brother, your Wife is yet innocent, you see, but have a care of too strong an imagination. There's doctrine for all Husbands, Mr. Harcourt.

Harcourt: I am impatient till I am one.

Dorilant: And I by example will never be one.

Sparkish: And because I will not disparage my parts, I'll never be one.

Horner: And I, alas, can't be one.

Pinchwife: But I must be one, against my will, to a Country Wife.

Mrs. Pinchwife: (Aside) And I must be a Country Wife still, for I can't, like a City one, be rid of my musty Husband and do what I list.

Horner: Now, Sir, I must pronounce your Wife Innocent, though I am the only man by her now exposed to shame, which I will straight drown in Wine, as you shall your suspicion. And the Ladies' troubles we'll divert with a dance.

Lucy: Indeed she's Innocent, Sir. I am her witness and her coming out was but to see her Sister's Wedding, and what she has said to your face of her love to Mr. Horner was but the usual innocent revenge on a Husbands jealousy, was it not Madam? Speak.

Mrs. Pinchwife: (Aside to Lucy and Horner) Since you'll have me tell more lies. (Aloud) Yes indeed Budd.

Pinchwife: For my own sake fain I would all believe. Cuckolds like Lovers should themselves deceive. But His honor is least safe, (too late I find) Who trusts it with a foolish Wife or Friend.

(A Dance of Cuckolds.)

EPILOGUE (spoken by Lady Fidget)
Now you the Vigorous, who daily here
Over Vizard-Mask in public domineer,
Nay have the confidence to cry come out,
Yet when she says lead on, you are not stout;
In fine, you Essensed Boys, both Old and Young,
Who would be thought so eager, brisk, and strong,
Yet do the Ladies, not their Husbands, wrong:
Whose Purses for your manhood make excuse,
And keep your Flanders Mares for show, not use;
But Gallants have a care, faith, what you do.
The World, which to no man his due will give
You by experience know you can deceive,
And men may still believe you Vigorous,
But then we Women,---there's no cozening us.

FINIS.