A girlfriend phoned me up the other day
She said, "My love life is in disarray
I never feel any thrill
My orgasm rate is nil
Tell me what do you say?"

A few years back it could be guaranteed
I would have 'What a Shame'd and 'Deary Me'd
Drooled sympathy and support
And said without thought 'I ought'
But now there's no need

I just told her, "I don't care."
We've all got a cross to bare
People's dreary lives
Are the biggest bore
So don't come back
Anymore

An old schoolmate of whom I once was fond
Told me her marriage was a stagnant pond
"My husband just sits and picks
His teeth with old lolly sticks
And I feel I've been conned."

Now once I would have said, "Oh, I agree
The man's a pervert, come and live with me."
And comforted and cajoled
And let all my chips get cold
But now I feel free
To smile and say, "Oh, what bad luck
Why not trot beneath a truck?
If you want to cry
For some sympathy
Then cry away
Away from me."

More and more as I get older
It becomes an even cert
When people cry upon your shoulder
You just get a soggy shirt

Words won't make his passion smoulder
Words won't heal a heart that's hurt
So I don't try
I won't lie

A girl from work turned up the other night:
"I'm so depressed about my cellulite
My bosoms are barely there
My bottom hangs off my chair!
Now, please, be forthright."

Now once I would have said, "Oh, not at all;
I think your office chair must be too small
Your rear is the perfect size
Men lust after jodhphur thighs!"
But now, I'm just bored
If you really want to know
Your bum is like a bungalow
And if I must reply
To your dumb request:
I hate your legs
And loathe your chest

Don't blubber down my phone
Keep my flat a tear-free zone
My shoulders were not made
For your weeping face
They're there to keep
My arms in place

Because I just don't care
We've all got a cross to bear
People's dreary lives
Are the biggest bore
So don't confide anymore

Because I just don't care... [fade]