One day, I was Bessie Bunter
Who was she?
She was just a punter, she was nobody
Then suddenly, one hot night
Had a brainwave like a spotlight
Wave goodbye to Bessie
Say hello... to me!

Me! I'm gonna be free
I'm gonna do all those things
I've never done before
Open the door
Let's even the score
I'm looking for life
To go and kick it in the crotch
Just a touch
To make it clear
That Bess is here
With her one-woman chunter
Please watch out for Bessie Bunter

Me! Who else could it be?
I'm gonna go bleach my hair
Wear clothes that show my tits
At the Ritz
I'm Bessie the Blitz
I'm gonna make Dolly Paron
Look like Meryl Streep
I mean cheap
I mean bad
Drive men mad
To make this girl surrender
Will they get to my pudenda? [Don't answer that!]
Yes! You're looking at Bess!
You're looking at 13 stone of sex
Who can it be?
Well, it's me
Come and see
Look at me
You'll agree
It's all me-e-e-e-e!