What up, noobs?

Well, another week's gone by, and it's time to start delving into some music recommendations. Each week is going to be five to ten albums in a totally different musical genre. Where to begin? I think classical is a natural starting point. I really dig this music, and with an open mind, I think that you'll agree!

So, what's classical music?

I could go on for paragraphs on that question, about written music's invention, the innovations of the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, the numerous subgenres, and more—but there are already dozens of guides to Western music and the classical tradition out there, better than I could ever write! To me, classical music is music that's based in respect for musicianship, following as body of tradition dating back hundreds of years. That's not to say that it's not emotional, spontaneous, or edgy—it is all those things, and more! To me, the structured dynamics of classical are a perfect starting place for any music noob.

There was a time, before the advent of music forms such as jazz, contemporary folk, and blues, when all music was classical music. But as time went on, many musicologists began to lump music into two distinct categories: the newer "popular" music and the traditional "classical" music. And that's how it's been now for about a century.

In that time, classical music has become one of those genres that has a reputation for being, well, a little difficult. And I suppose that that reputation is deserved, at least in part. One reason is that most classical compositions—at least, the endearing ones that have survived the test of time and found an audience for several hundred years now—were not written to sell records or concert tickets. Of course, some composers wrote mainly by commission—a G got to get paid, son—but many others wrote bizarre, atonal pieces that seemed like so much elaborate trolling on the musical listeners of the day, mainly because they didn’t give two fucks about what the musical listeners of theirs or any other day thought.

You can get classical pieces stuck in your head, to be sure—anyone familiar with Mozart’s Eine kleine Nachtmusik can attest to this!—but they weren’t engineered in the same meme-friendly way that, say, “Wrecking Ball” was. The pieces of classical you get stuck in your head—like Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, or Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture—you’ve probably heard a hundred-odd times in your life, on cartoons and in films. It could be a hundred over again before you really, intimately appreciate something by Gustav Mahler or Richard Strauss. So getting “into” classical does take a bit of a concerted effort!

That said, classical music has been plagued by variations on the same bizarre myth: that classical music is “ivory tower” music. That it’s only for geniuses, or rich white people, or people who can read music, or attended Juilliard, or whatever snooty image you care to project. This is patently sus. Classical music is the same as rock and hip-hop: it’s just music, and we have everything to gain by demystifying it. You don’t need to be rich to enjoy classical: the CDs come cheap, and a lot of really good orchestras offer discounts for young people. As for being a genius or reading music, those things are going to up your enjoyment of any musical style, not just classical!

So… why the snobbiness? Why is a Chopin prelude associated with fat, privileged, out-of-touch old guys? Probably because the powe

rs that be like keeping their culture out of the hands of the rabble. I think that a lot of the upper-class types who champion classical music are hipsters at heart: they keep what they love elitist. Meanwhile, they’ve done such a good job of making their music look old, white, and snooty that few young, post-racial progressives want to touch it with a ten-foot pole. This whole dichotomy is total bullshit, so let’s put it to rest already!

Not many classical musicians would want you to be afraid of listening to their work. They’re mostly broke. RECOMMENDATIONSThese are some of my favorite classical albums. I chose them for their accessibility first and foremost, but also, for their overall importance to the genre. These are the meat-and-potatoes composers, stuff that every fan of music ought to own. Let's begin, shall we?

The Brandenberg Concertos and The Orchestral Suites Johann Sebastien Bach performed by Academy of St. Martin in the Fields
Conducted by Sir Neville Mariner The Six Cello SuitesJohann Sebastien Bach performed by Pablo CasalsWere you able to go back in time to seventeenth-century Germany, and utter the imperative sentence "Throw your hands in the air if you's a true player," one Johann Sebastien Bach would almost certainly have thrown his hands in the air. Father to more than twenty children, lover of fine hotels, cigars, wine, and beer, with a penchant for getting into knife fights in his youth, this O.G. actually wrote the bulk of his keyboard masterpiece The Well-Tempered Clavier from a prison cell. He had no patience for anything less than greatness when it came to music, but was also complex man, spiritual and tender. An immense celebrity (though not nearly as flushed with cash as his contemporary, Josef Haydn), Bach was the prototypical rock star, the Kanye West of his day.

Bach’s work is so vast and diverse—and so good—that it is all but literally impossible to pick one work from his catalogue that represents everything he did. Most Bach aficionados like his more technical, full-band material, like the astonishing, mile-a-minute-speed Brandenburg Concertos, because the different parts all fit together like a precision Swiss watch—Jay Z would approve.

I however, favour the more subdued Cello Suites. One cello, played by one performer. It couldn't be less flashy, and it couldn't be more perfect.

These six pieces are so unpretentious that some musicologists claim that they're actually “throwaway” rehearsal pieces. When Pablo Casals dusted them off in a Spanish used bookstore in the 1920s, they’d been forgotten for hundreds of years. Casals’s genius as a player matches Bach’s as a composer, and his scratchy, lo-fi recordings hold up almost a hundred years after the fact. Casals was an absolute champion of this music; for Casals, growing up in Spain during its Civil War, the notes of these compositions became so many bullets to be fired at the fascist rulers of his country, representing freedom, truth, and beauty. The SymphoniesLudwig von Beethoven performed by the Berliner Philharmoniker
Conducted by Herbert van KarajanBeethoven was a legend—no matter how big a noob you are, you can probably bring to mind an image of his unkempt hair, disapproving gaze, and rugged jaw. He was a phenomenal composer, but in his twenties, began to lose his hearing—becoming completely deaf by his thirties. Not one to even contemplate ever giving a fuck, Beethoven lopped off the legs of his piano and plunked his ass down in front of it on the floor, the better to feel its vibrations with. Several of his best symphonies—including the famous Ninth, “Ode to Joy”—were written entirely in his head. Beethoven’s Symphonies are as important to world culture as Shakespeare’s plays or The Bible—taken collectively, a total game-changer that left their mark on pretty much all music thereafter.

I picked my favourite recording of the Symphonies, the Berliner Philharmoniker (Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra) as conducted by Herbert von Karajan. Karajan was probably the greatest conductor of the twentieth century, and was also Beethoven’s greatest champion during that time. Watching videos of Karajan in concert demonstrates his intense passion. Here, you’re getting some serious bang-for-your-buck: some of the greatest music ever written, performed by consummate and devoted musicians. The ominous, throbbing strings on Symphony No. 7’s Allegretto movement are crazy intense! Also Sprach Zarathustra and The Planets Richard Strauss and Gustav Holst performed by the Boston Symphony Orchestra
Conducted by William SteinbergRemember when I said you almost certainly know certain pieces of classical music by heart from films? This would be the go-to, numero-uno example of that.

Richard Strauss’s epic intro to Also sprach Zarathustra probably evokes in you imagery of an astonishing sunrise. But even if you've ever seen 2001: A Space Odyssey, you've seen parodies of it, and are culturally aware of it, and that's probably where the sunrise comes from! So much so, that on this fantastic recording, it doesn't seem the least bit out of place paired with a symphony that’s actually about space.

Gustav Holst’s The Planets uses seven pieces of music that correspond to the seven planets (Holst skipped Earth) to create a startling array of moods and atmospheres, based on those planets’ mythological personalities. Neptune, the Mystic is sheer creepiness; the choirs always reminded me of mermaids dragging me to a seaweed-addled death. Mars, the Bringer of War is all fierce brass and drums, evocative of everything the title promises. The Firebird and The Rite of Spring Igor Stravinsky performed by the Orchestre du Capitole de Toulouse
Conducted by Tugan SokhievRussian composer Igor Stravinsky was commissioned to do a series of three ballets for the Ballet Russes (Russian Ballet) from 1910 to 1913. The Firebird was the first, followed by Petrushka and , finally, The Rite of Spring. All three are good, but since this is a beginner’s guide to music, let’s stick to that last one! Be honest. This is a lot to take in, no?

This recent recording of Stravinsky’s ballet treats it with reverence, but at the time it was written and first performed, it was as irreverent and anti-establishment as anything released by Odd Future or Immortal Technique. Stravinsky so offended the sensibilities of the bourgeoisie with his out-of-place scales, dissonant chords, and depictions of human sacrifice, that the audience literally rioted in their seats, tearing the concert hall to pieces. This is music that represents revolution. When the emo band Rites of Spring took their name from the ballet, they were making a point: this is something new. It hasn't been done before. WELL, THAT'S ALL, NOOBSThis is just the tip of the iceberg: I didn't even comment on any opera, Mozart, Liszt, Chopin, or countless others. So get out there and start finding stuff on your own! Please, if you want to add anything, feel free to add your own annotations to my writing! And join me on Sunday, December 8th, when we'll look world music: classical traditions from around the globe.