Rachel and Monica’s apartment, everyone is getting ready to go to a banquet.

JOEY: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. *takes a glass from the fridge*

CHANDLER: Taste it.

JOEY: *drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge* Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!

CHANDLER: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

ROSS: *entering* Hey!

CHANDLER: Hey, mister tux!

ROSS: Why aren't you guys dressed?

JOEY: We have a half hour.

ROSS: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the
door at twenty to eight.

JOEY: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.

ROSS: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now.

CHANDLER AND JOEY: Okay. *they don't move*
RACHEL: *entering from bathroom* Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy.

ROSS: Really.

RACHEL: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: How come you didn't come over earlier?

ROSS: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.

JOEY: Hey, Ross, want some cider?

ROSS: No. *to Rachel* So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's
on, hair's done.

RACHEL: Yeah, I just have to get dressed.

ROSS: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes.

RACHEL: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing.

JOEY: Glass of fat?

Opening Credits
Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross is acting nervous.

JOEY: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?

ROSS: No! Do you wanna hear it?

JOEY: Am I in it?

ROSS: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.

PHOEBE: *entering* Hello.

ROSS: Hey!

JOEY: Whoa!

ROSS: Wow, hello! You look great!

PHOEBE: Thank you! I know, though.

ROSS: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star.

PHOEBE: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.

CHANDLER: *entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmopolitan* All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. *to Joey* Get up.
JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: You're in my seat.

JOEY: How is this your seat?

CHANDLER: 'Cause I was sitting there.

JOEY: But then you left.

CHANDLER: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back.

JOEY: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else.

CHANDLER: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat.

JOEY: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there. *points to the bathroom* Soo...

ROSS: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So..

CHANDLER: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. *yells at Joey* GET UP!!

MONICA: *entering* Hi.

ALL: Hey.

MONICA: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!

PHOEBE: All right all ready.

MONICA: *to Ross* Ooh, are you gonna do magic?

ROSS: That's, that's funny. Change!

MONICA: Hang on a second I just got in.

ROSS: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.

PHOEBE: We could not, would not want to wait.

ROSS: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.

MONICA: Has somebody been drinking my fat? *Joey and Chandler look at each other*

RACHEL: *entering from her bedroom* You guys, *holds up an outfit* does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?

PHOEBE: I don't know, you might be the first one.

MONICA: Rach, did you check the machine?

RACHEL: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my
calves look fat. Nevermind.

CHANDLER: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up.

JOEY: All right! You can have the chair.

CHANDLER: Really!

JOEY: Oh my, would you look at that! *holds up crossed fingers*

PHOEBE: *on machine* "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" *to the guys* Is that too spooky?

ROSS: *on machine* "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!"

RACHEL: *entering from her bedroom* What?!

ROSS: Nevermind.

RICHARD: *on machine* "Monica, it's Richard. Call me."

MONICA: Is-is-is that message old or new? *yelling* Old or new?! Old or new?!

ROSS: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep?

MONICA: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?

CHANDLER: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old.

ROSS: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did?

MONICA: Huh?

ROSS: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. *Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room, but Ross stops her and sends her back to her room* There we go, there we go.

CHANDLER: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. *holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face* Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! *Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress*

PHOEBE: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!

CHANDLER AND JOEY: Sorry Phoebe.

JOEY: I'm so sorry.

PHOEBE: What am I gonna do?

ROSS: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! *clapping* What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?!

PHOEBE: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus.

MONICA: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say?

PHOEBE: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that.

CHANDLER: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.

MONICA: So, should I call him back?

THE GUYS: Noo! *Monica starts to go back into her room and stops* NO!

CHANDLER: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. *sits on Joey's lap* I'm soooo, comfortable.

JOEY: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.

CHANDLER: All right! *jumps up*

ROSS: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay.

CHANDLER: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! *leaves*

RACHEL: *entering from her room* Is this a little too... *sees Phoebe* Pheebs, what happened?

PHOEBE: Hummus. I got the hummus.

Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket?

PHOEBE: That won't go with this dress though.

RACHEL: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on.

ROSS: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes.

RACHEL: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress?

MONICA: I called him.

ALL: Nooo.

MONICA: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy?

PHOEBE: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place.

MONICA: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough.

JOEY: Monica, how are you gonna do that?

MONICA: I know the code to his answering machine.

ROSS: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing.

Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins.

RICHARD: *on machine* "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at the tone."

MACHINE: "You have two new messages."

JOEY: Wow, what a cool job. *in a machine voice* “You have two new
messages.” “Please, pass the pie.”

MONICA: *on machine* "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy."

JOEY: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy.

WOMAN’S VOICE: *on machine* Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay.

JOEY: Now she sounded breezy.

Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.

MONICA: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone.

PHOEBE: Monica, you don't know that.

MONICA: Well, who's voice was that?

CHANDLER: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's.

MONICA: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle?

ROSS: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab.

MONICA: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.

RACHEL: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?!

ROSS: You don't, you don't know what your wearing?

RACHEL: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night.

ROSS: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you.

CHANDLER: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"

JOEY: Okay. *he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave*

CHANDLER: What are you doing?

JOEY: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.

CHANDLER: The cushions are the essence of the chair!

JOEY: That's right! I'm taking the essence.

CHANDLER: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.

ROSS: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.

RACHEL: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to
go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.

ROSS: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.

RACHEL: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.

PHOEBE: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! *she’s wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck*

RACHEL: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.

PHOEBE: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!

ROSS: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing?

RACHEL: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you.

CHANDLER: We used them as pillows when we went camping.

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: *shyly* The sheep.

ROSS: Hey, what you do on your own time...

JOEY: *entering* Where's my underwear?!

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear?

CHANDLER: He took my essence!

ROSS: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?

JOEY: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.

ROSS: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?

JOEY: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

CHANDLER: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.

JOEY: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.

CHANDLER: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?

JOEY: Hey, opposite, is opposite! *leaves*

CHANDLER: He's got nothing!

PHOEBE: *entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover the stain* Okay, I'm ready.

ROSS AND CHANDLER: Oh, aaaah!

PHOEBE: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, "All right, fine I'll be political."

CHANDLER: What are you supporting?

PHOEBE: Duh!! Christmas!

ROSS: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. *shows Chandler* Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. *grabs Chandler's watch* What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!

RACHEL: *entering from her room* Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple?

ROSS: Just, just, just pick one!

PHOEBE: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys?

RACHEL: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants?

ROSS: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.

RACHEL: But I...

ROSS: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go.

RACHEL: All right.

ROSS: Thank you!

MONICA: *entering from her room* Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to.

ROSS: It was, it was her voice.

CHANDLER: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.

Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello?

MONICA: Okay. That was her right?

PHOEBE: Definitely.

MONICA: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.

ROSS: Yay!

Phone rings.

PHOEBE: I'll get it, okay. *answers phone* Hi, Monica and Rachel's. *listens* Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. *to Monica* Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that.

MONICA: *on phone* Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. *listens* Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that....

CHANDLER: *to Phoebe* You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

MONICA: *on phone* Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! *Michelle hangs up* That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back.

ROSS: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

MONICA: Okay, fine. *runs to her room*

CHANDLER: They got a phone in there, right?

PHOEBE: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.

Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt.

ROSS: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um.

RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo.

ROSS: You're not going to go.

RACHEL: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.

ROSS: How, how, um how can you not be going?

RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going.

ROSS: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...

RACHEL: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my
friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.

ROSS: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled.

RACHEL: It's fine.

ROSS: No, but, your-your mad.

RACHEL: I'm not mad.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: I'm just not going.

ROSS: Your not going.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.

RACHEL: Um, hum.

ROSS: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.'

RACHEL: No.

ROSS: No, because your not upset.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: About the yelling.

RACHEL: Right, and the humiliating.

ROSS: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay.

RACHEL: Um, hum.

ROSS: We're good.

RACHEL: Right.

ROSS: Okay. Honey?

RACHEL: Yes, Ross. *turns toward him*

ROSS: I love you. *goes to kiss her and she turns away.*

PHOEBE: *yelling from the bedroom* Get away from that! No! *she comes into the living room carrying the phone* She's just getting dressed.

CHANDLER: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?

Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes.

JOEY: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

CHANDLER: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!

JOEY: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...

CHANDLER: Oooo-ooh!

JOEY: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. *starts doing lunges*

ROSS: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party!

CHANDLER: Jeez, what a baby.

JOEY: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed.

ROSS: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there.

JOEY: You could drink the fat.

ROSS: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.

RACHEL: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think you should drink the fat.

JOEY: Yaaaay!

ROSS: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do.

PHOEBE: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out.

ROSS: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. *starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking*

RACHEL: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go!

ROSS: You will?!

RACHEL: You were really gonna do that, weren't you?

ROSS: Well, yeah.

RACHEL: You were gonna drink the fat.

JOEY: Let's see what else he'll do!

ROSS: *to Joey* How 'bout instead you, go get changed! *to Chandler* You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica!

Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking.

CHANDLER: Stop it. Stop it!

Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone.

PHOEBE: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no!

RICHARD: *on machine* Hi, this is Richard.

MACHINE: You have three new messages.

MONICA: Not any more!

MACHINE: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone.

MONICA: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye.

MACHINE: Your outgoing message has now been changed.

MONICA: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!!

MONICA: *on machine* "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!

PHOEBE: How did you do that?

MONICA: I don't know!

MACHINE: Good-bye.

MONICA: Noooo!!!!

ROSS: *entering* Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!

MONICA: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number.

PHOEBE: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.

ROSS: Rachel!! *she enters* Wow! You, uh, you look, wow!

RACHEL: And I still have about five seconds to spare. *kisses him* Okay, that was about seven seconds.

ROSS: So we're a little late.

RACHEL: Come on. *they start to leave* Oh! And, uh, by the way....

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'm going commando, too.

ROSS: Awwww!!!

Closing Credits

At the banquet.

SHERMAN WHITFIELD: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute.

ROSS: Wow! What a pleasure.

SHERMAN WHITFIELD: *sits down* Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written.

CHANDLER: Excuse me. Hi.

SHERMAN WHITFIELD: Yes?

CHANDLER: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.

SHERMAN WHITFIELD: What do you mean, your seat?

CHANDLER: I mean, I was sitting there.

SHERMAN WHITFIELD: But, you got up!

CHANDLER: But, I never left the room!

SHERMAN WHITFIELD: But, you left the chair area.

CHANDLER: All right, that's it, give me your underwear.

End