EXT. CAMPUS LAWNS – DAY

Dean PELTON, a skinny, pale, effeminate man, is standing on a small platform, accompanied by a few seated elderly people, a podium and a stereo playing the sounds of bells chiming. After a few chimes PELTON shuts it off and turns to the podium. Holding up his cue cards, he addresses a small, scattered group of students.

PELTON
Good morning.

The stereo interrupts with loud rap music. The microphone screeches as PELTON tries to get it to turn off.

PELTON
How do we turn this off? Uh, can you help me turn this off? Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, how do we turn this off? Can you help me with this?

The seated adults get up to help and they eventually manage to shut it off.

PELTON
Oh, thankyou. Thankyou so much. I didn’t mean to snap.
(Turns back to the podium)
Uh, good morning! Uh, many of you are half way through your first week here at Greendale, and, uh, as your Dean…
(Bows)
…I thought I would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration.
(Reads from cue cards)
What is community college? Well, you’ve heard all kinds of things. You’ve heard it’s loser college for remedial teens.
(Zoom on TROY)
Twenty-something dropouts.
(Zoom on BRITTA)
Middle-aged divorcees.
(Zoom on SHIRLEY)
And old people, keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity.
(Zoom on PIERCE)
That’s what you’ve heard, however…
(Changes cards)
…I wish you luck!
Everyone just stares at him. PELTON pauses, then checks his cue cards.

PELTON
Okay, you know- uh oh. Okay, there’s more to this speech, there’s actually a middle card that is missing. Can we all look around our immediate areas? Because I really wanted to…


CUT TO: EXT. CAMPUS LAWNS – DAY (CONT.)

JEFF, a handsome, too-cool-for-the-world type is standing some distance away, being talked at by a fast-paced ABED, who is Autistic.

ABED
(Quickly)
I’m only half-Arabic, actually. My dad is Palestinian. He’s a US citizen, he’s not a threat to national security or anything, a lot of people want to know that after they meet him because he has an angry energy, but not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving him, although she did leave because he was angry because she’s American.
(Holds out hand)
My name’s Abed, by the way.

JEFF
(Shaking his hand)
Abed, uh, nice to know you, and then meet you, in that order. Now, about that question that I asked?

ABED
Oh. Uh…
(Checks watch, thinks)
Five after eleven, when you asked.

JEFF sees BRITTA across the lawns and stops ABED abruptly.
JEFF
Abed.

ABED
Yeah?

JEFF
What’s the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can’t find a road in there.

ABED
Well, I only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil, but… her name is Britta, she’s twenty eight, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh and she thinks she’s gonna flunk tomorrow’s test so she really needs to focus, so she’s sorry if that makes her seem cold.

JEFF
Holy crap. Abed.
(Shakes his hand again)
I see your value now.
(Leaves)

ABED
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.


INT. DUNCAN’S OFFICE – DAY

DUNCAN, a British professor with horrible teeth, is sitting at his desk playing with a Rubik’s cube. There is a knock at the door.
DUNCAN
Absolutely not.

The door opens anyway and JEFF enters.

JEFF
If these guys knew you like I did, they would’ve given you a small office.

DUNCAN
Jeff Winger! Genius at law!

JEFF
(Shaking hands and grinning)
You gotta stop saying that!

DUNCAN
I will never do that. Sit down. I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to connect September the eleventh with my DUI. Let alone why that helped.

JEFF
Well, two thousand and two was a simpler time.

DUNCAN
So what is my lawyer doing here?

JEFF
I’m a student.

DUNCAN
(After a brief pause)
Well that cannot be an inspiring journey.

JEFF
Uh, I-I am in a bit of a jam. The- the state bar has suspended my license. Uh, they found out my college degree was… less than legitimate.

DUNCAN
Well I thought you had a Bachelors from Columbia?

JEFF
Now I have to get one from America.
(DUNCAN grimaces)
And it can’t be an email attachment.

DUNCAN
Well, you’ve picked a fine school.

JEFF
Yes! And I am hoping that our friendship will yield certain advantages. You know, academic guidance…

DUNCAN
Yes.

JEFF
…moral support…
(Takes out schedule)
…every answer to every test for every one of the classes that I’m taking, uh, here’s my schedule-

DUNCAN
No. Now, Jeff, just by asking that, you have- you have insulted the integrity of this entire institution.


DUNCAN picks up a wooden cane and bangs on his window with it, scaring off a student outside, who was peeing in the bushes.

DUNCAN
Oy! Waster! Not a bathroom! Not- not a bathroom!

JEFF
Okay, Duncan, you did seem less into integrity the day that I convinced twelve of your peers that when you made that u-turn on the freeway, and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, that your only real crime was loving America.

DUNCAN
Well I-I do love America, I love it. Very much.

JEFF
Mmm?

DUNCAN
I… I love chalupas.

JEFF
But…?

DUNCAN
I’ll look into it.

JEFF
Thankyou. Duncan, you are a good man.

They shake hands again and JEFF heads to the door.

DUNCAN
Jeff, are you familiar with the adage “cheaters never prosper”?

JEFF
(Opening the door)
No. And, if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn’t have come to community college.

He grins, then leaves.


OPENING TITLES


INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

PIERCE, an elderly, white-haired yet balding man, is having trouble putting together a hotdog. He struggles to get the sausage in the roll correctly, then accidentally sprays the sauce everywhere. He gives up, attempting and failing to hide the hotdog in amongst a pile of bread.

JEFF, in line for food, sees BRITTA across the room. She is young, blonde and attractive but completely engrossed in her work, writing furiously. JEFF abandons the line and approaches her.

JEFF
Oh, hey, Spanish.

BRITTA
(Not looking up)
Yeah, don’t hit on me, okay?

JEFF
Whoa. Uh, I wouldn’t dream of it. I just wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group.

BRITTA
(Finally making eye contact)
Oh, whoa, whoa, the guy who’s playing Bejewelled on his iPhone all class has a study group? Um, can I sign up twice?

JEFF
I’m taking the class as an easy credit. I’m actually a Spanish tutor. Board-certified.

BRITTA
Can you say that in Spanish now?

JEFF
Duermo tarde español, una hora más, no rasque mi coche.

SUBTITLES
I sleep late Spanish, one more hour, do not scrach my car.

BRITTA
(Considers him; after a pause)
I really need help with Spanish.

JEFF
Yeah, I was willing to bet. I’m Jeff.
(They shake hands)
Or “jefe”.

SUBTITLES
Boss.

JEFF
The group meets at the library at four.

BRITTA
Britta, thanks.

She picks up her things and makes to leave.

JEFF
You gonna be there?

BRITTA just smiles at him and walks away.

JEFF
Un poquito más!

SUBTITLES
A little more!

JEFF
That means “see you there”!

A large, black WOMAN approaches JEFF from the food line.

JEFF
Shouldn’t be that hard to fake a study group, right?

WOMAN
Eh?

JEFF
Oh, jeez, I’m sorry, uh... I was raised on TV, and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over fifty is a cosmic mentor.

WOMAN
Were you conditioned to pay for your damn tacos, Seinfield?

JEFF
Yes, I’m so sorry.
(The WOMAN groans)
It’s Seinfeld.


INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY

JEFF is sitting alone at a large, eight-seater table in the library’s group study room, repeating phrases to himself. BRITTA enters behind him.

JEFF
Bienvenuto. Bienvenuto.
(Turns to see BRITTA)
Bienvenuto! Hey! Alright, come on in! Uh, got the whole table, welcome.

BRITTA
Yeah. Got the whole room.
(Puts her stuff down and sits)

JEFF
Here’s a- yeah, here’s the, uh... contact sheet.
(Puts down a crumpled piece of yellow paper and a pen)
Put your stuff there, that’s...
(Looks around)
Man... rest of the group is running late. But you and I can get acquainted.

BRITTA
(Finishes writing her details)
You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.

JEFF
Yeah, I like big talk. What’s your deal?

BRITTA
That’s not small talk?

JEFF
What’s your deal, and is God dead?

BRITTA
(Smiles, pause)
Alright, you wanna know my deal?

JEFF
(Nods)
Mm.

BRITTA
I dropped out of high school because I thought, for some reason, it would impress Radiohead.

JEFF
Well you’d be surprised what gets back to those guys.

BRITTA
I, um, I joined the Peace Corps. I did a little foot modelling. I got tear gassed at a world trade rally.

JEFF
Marry me.

BRITTA
(Laughs)
I guess, Jeff, my deal is, above all else, honesty.

JEFF
...Honesty.

BRITTA
Yeah. You tell me the truth, I will like you. You lie to me, I will never talk to you again, that’s my deal.

JEFF
That’s a good deal.

BRITTA
So what’s your deal?

JEFF
Uhh, I-I would have to go- I-I would- I would have to say, um... honesty. Because... uh, I would say anything to get what I want, and I-I want you to like me, so, uh...

BRITTA
Wow. That’s a very honest answer. Alright, now I like you fine.

JEFF
Really? Wow, you’re easy.

BRITTA
Hell yeah. Abed!

They both turn to see ABED entering.

BRITTA
In the house!

They both cheer, and JEFF joins in confusedly.

JEFF
Why?

ABED
(Pulling up a chair between JEFF and BRITTA)
Oh, Britta invited me, is that cool?

JEFF
Oh! I can’t think of a single logical reason why not.

ABED
Cool.
(Sits down)

JEFF
There you go.
(Hands over crumpled paper)
Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down right there, that’s fine.

ABED
Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

JEFF starts texting in his lap as ABED finished writing.

ABED
Hey. This is kinda like Breakfast Club, huh?

BRITTA
We are in a library.

ABED
Yeah. I’m sure we’ve all got an issue balled up inside of us that would make us cry if we talked about it.

BRITTA
Do you have something balled up inside of you?

ABED
I got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional.

JEFF finishes texting and puts his phone on the table in front of him. ABED’S phone chimes and he takes it out.

ABED
Hey, text message! Let’s give this bad boy a read.
(Flips open phone)

JEFF
Uh, it’s probably just for you.

ABED
I’ve never gotten one of these.

JEFF
I-I- ju- they’re- it’s probably- you just-

ABED
“Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you.”

BRITTA looks suspiciously from ABED to JEFF. ABED holds his phone over so BRITTA can read it.

ABED
“Say you have to pee.”

BRITTA
That is weird.

ABED
(Showing JEFF)
“Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you.”

JEFF
Yeah. Do you have to pee?

ABED
No.

JEFF
Hmm.

ABED
It’s so weird.

JEFF
Well I’m stumped. It’s very creepy.

ABED
That makes two of us.

JEFF’S phone chimes and he picks it up. It reads “Con-4-s-8-tion on football field now!!! –Duncan”.

BRITTA
What’s that?

ABED
Does it say you have to pee?

JEFF
No, it’s just, uh... someone with a misguided grasp of abbreviation. Uh, I just need five minutes you guys, so go ahead and study all the, uh... verbs. In- in Spanish.

He walks out, BRITTA watching him go.

BRITTA
Abed.

ABED
Yeah?

BRITTA
What’s your read on that guy?

ABED
(After a pause)
You look like Elisabeth Shue.

BRITTA frowns at him.


EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY

DUNCAN is standing in the middle of the field watching people prepare for a race as JEFF walks up to him.

DUNCAN
Just act natural, pretend you’re watching the athletic proceedings.

JEFF
You couldn’t stop me from watching them. There’s a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker.

The starting gun goes off and the old man takes the lead.

JEFF
He’s kinda truckin’.

DUNCAN
Suppose I was to say to you it was possible to get those test answers.

JEFF
I would say go for that, and could’ve said so in a text.

DUNCAN
I’m asking you if you know the difference between right and wrong.

JEFF looks at him.

JEFF
I discovered at a very early age that if I talked long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So, either I’m God, or truth is relative, and in either case, booyah.

DUNCAN
Oh, interesting. It’s just the average person has a much harder time saying “booyah” to moral relativism.

JEFF
Duncan, you don’t have to play shrink to protect your pride. I accept, you’re chicken.

DUNCAN
Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist?

JEFF
No, I’m just using regular psychology on a spineless British twit.

DUNCAN
I’m a professor! You can’t talk to me that way!

JEFF
A six year old girl could talk to you that way!

DUNCAN
Yes, because that would be adorable!

JEFF
No, because you’re a five year old girl and there’s a pecking order!

DUNCAN
Fine, I’ll do it!

JEFF
Thankyou.

He pats DUNCAN on the back and walks away.

DUNCAN
Yeah! A pleasure! Bye! Yes! Good. Why am I still shouting? I’m drawing attention to myself.


INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY

JEFF enters quickly with his head down.

JEFF
Hey guys, you’re not gonna believe this, but the rest of the group-

He stops, noticing that in addition to ABED, there are now four other people sitting at the table. PIERCE is there, as is TROY, a young black guy in a high school letter jacket, SHIRLEY, a large, black, middle-aged woman, and ANNIE, a young, pale, conservatively-dressed girl. BRITTA is absent.

JEFF
...is here.

PIERCE
Are you the board-certified tutor?

TROY
That means you do my homework, right Seacrest?

SHIRLEY
I need to call my babysitter if we’re gonna be later than ten.

ANNIE
What board certifies a tutor?

JEFF
(To ABED)
Where’s Britta?

ABED
Not sure, but I invited more people from Spanish class, is that cool?

JEFF
That’s the... coolest!

He gives a forced thumbs up, which ABED cheerfully returns.

JEFF
I’m... gonna go to the bathroom, and... bring my jacket, wallet and, uh, keys with me, in case there’s a fire.

He picks up all of his things and quickly leaves.

SHIRLEY
Sh-should we go with him?

PIERCE
I don’t believe this.

TROY
Im’a leave my homework with Slumdog Millionaire over here.
(Tosses his book to ABED)

SHIRLEY
This boy’s a little racist, I think.


CUT TO: EXT. LIBRARY – DAY

JEFF strides out, only to be confronted by BRITTA.

BRITTA
And busted.

JEFF
Uh, listen-

BRITTA
(Holding up a cigarette)
Now you know. I’m a smoker.

JEFF
(Quickly adjusting)
Yeah, but they’re filtered, so that makes them safe.

BRITTA
You ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up.

JEFF
Yeah, not mine actually, I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist. And I was trained never to say this, but I think that group may be untutorable.

BRITTA
Oh, really?

JEFF
So, uh, why don’t you and I go to study over some-

BRITTA
Dinner?

JEFF
Or, drinks.

BRITTA
I think, actually, we should prioritise here and study first, and then go to dinner.

She walks past JEFF to the library door.

BRITTA
And if they really prove to be untutorable, we’ll slip out early.
(Goes inside)

JEFF
Oh. They will be... untutorable.
(Follows)


INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY

Everyone is sitting around the table, looking up at JEFF in anticipation. JEFF is at the head of the table, with ANNIE and SHIRLEY to his left, PIERCE and TROY in front of him, and ABED and BRITTA to his right.

JEFF
Alright! Look at this group! All ready to study all night!

SHIRLEY
Well I can stay at least ‘til ten-

ABED
Yeah-
(Checks watch)

JEFF
But who studies with strangers, right? My name is Jeff.

PIERCE
(Standing)
Jeff, it’s a pleasure. My name is Pierce Hawthorne, and yes, that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes, the award-winning moist towlette.

As he speaks, PIERCE holds out his hand to shake. JEFF can’t reach it, so he sits on the table and extends his hand but PIERCE takes his back just as JEFF gets there.

JEFF
I was just gonna ask.

PIERCE
I’m also a toast master, so perhaps I should do the introductions?

JEFF
Definitely.

PIERCE
Alright, you already know Brittles.

BRITTA
Britta.

PIERCE
Uh, Aybed. Aybed the A-rab!
(Chuckles)
Is that inappropriate?

ABED
Sure.

PIERCE
(Clapping a hand on TROY’S shoulder)
Roy! Roy the wonder boy!

TROY
Troy.

PIERCE
Little princess Elizabeth.

ANNIE
Annie.

PIERCE
(Turning to SHIRLEY)
And finally, this beautiful creature is named Shirley.

JEFF
(To SHIRLEY)
Is that even close?

SHIRLEY nods regretfully.

ANNIE
I’d like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident?

ABED
Oh, this is getting way more like Breakfast Club now.

PIERCE
There’s breakfast?

BRITTA
Okay! Um, maybe we should get to-

JEFF
(Placing his hand over BRITTA’S)
You know, I’ve been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart because of unresolved tension.
(BRITTA narrows her eyes at him)
Shouldn’t we address Annie’s concern? Did we not invite her?

SHIRLEY
Well Annie, sweetie, it’s not behind your back, we just didn’t really think about you-

ANNIE
Can we stop with the “pumpkins” and the “sweeties”? Being younger does not make me inferior; if anything, your age indicates that you made bad life decisions.

SHIRLEY starts shaking her head and making disagreeing noises.

JEFF
Oh, Shirley has a response to that.

SHIRLEY
No, no, no, no, don’t.

TROY
It really looks like you do.

JEFF
Please, Shirley, go ahead.

ABED
You should say something, dig deep.

SHIRLEY
Okay, okay, um... I’m sure I’ve made some- some bad life decisions, and maybe Annie’s decisions will be better. Um, but I think she needs to decide whether she wants to be considered a- a child, or an adult, because children get pity, but not respect, and adults, they get respect, but they also get the back of their head grabbed and their face pushed through jukeboxes!

BRITTA
Okay! Why don’t we try learning “jukebox” in Spanish?

PIERCE touches the back of SHIRLEY’S head and she recoils.

SHIRLEY
What are you doing?!

JEFF
Pierce! Let’s discuss this creepiness.

PIERCE
Pardon you?

BRITTA
(To JEFF)
What are you doing?

JEFF
(Quickly)
I’m certified.
(To PIERCE)
Are you unaware that Shirley finds your advances inappropriate?

PIERCE
(Chuckles)
What advances?

SHIRLEY
You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.

PIERCE
Sexually harassing? What? That makes no sense to me; why would I harass somebody who turns me on?

TROY
Saying she turns you on IS the harassment, dude!

PIERCE
Hey. I am a prominent business leader, and a highly sought after dinner guest, and I will not take courting advice from some teenage boy.

TROY
(Laughs)
Well this teenage boy is a quarterback and a prom king.

ANNIE
You’re not prom king anymore, Troy. This isn’t Riverside High.

TROY
How’d you know I went there?

ANNIE
Because you’re still wearing your stupid letter jacket. And more importantly, I sat behind you in algebra!

TROY
Were you that girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out?
(Laughs)
You’re Little Annie Aderol!

ANNIE
Okay, then you’re a stupid jock who lost his scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand!

TROY
Keg flip! They’re very hard to pull off!

Everyone starts shouting at each other in argument as BRITTA stares, mouth agape, and JEFF smiles in amusement. Suddenly, ABED slams his hand on the table and everyone falls silent.

ABED
You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and he said, “Hey, smoke up, Johnny!” No dad, what about you?!

Everyone just stares. ABED grins to himself, then nods at JEFF.

JEFF
Well, uh... that- that actually was from the Breakfast Club.

Everyone nods.

ABED
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

JEFF
Dirty Dancing.

ABED
(Nodding and grinning)
Yeah.

JEFF’S phone rings and he answers it.

JEFF
Hello?

DUNCAN
(Speaking in a deep voice)
It’s Professor Duncan; come to the parking lot, now.

JEFF
What’s wrong with your voice?

DUNCAN
I’m disguising it.
(Hangs up)

JEFF
Uhh, I’ll be right back. But while I’m gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. No stone unturned. Go!

He leaves with his jacket. BRITTA watches him go as everyone starts arguing again.


EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

JEFF looks around for DUNCAN when he hears a honk. He turns to see DUNCAN huddled inside a tiny car.

DUNCAN
Get in the car!

JEFF pulls a face before reluctantly getting in.

DUNCAN
Act as if we’ve either just finished, or are yet to begin driving.

JEFF shuts the door as DUNCAN holds up a thick yellow Manila envelope that is taped shut with duct tape.

DUNCAN
Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester.

JEFF
I knew you could do it buddy, thank you!

He goes to take it but DUNCAN snatches it away.

DUNCAN
Whoa there, grabby grabby. What do I get?

JEFF
The satisfaction of being even.

DUNCAN
Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. Booyah, booyah.

JEFF
Well what do you want from me?

DUNCAN
Your Lexus.

JEFF
My car? For a semester’s worth of answers?

DUNCAN
Will it be just a semester though, Jeff? Won’t you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? I want payment in advance. I want leather seats with built-in ball-warmers.

JEFF
You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies.

JEFF gets out of the car, but DUNCAN stops him.

DUNCAN
Have a nice disbarment hearing.

JEFF reluctantly gets back in.

JEFF
What am I supposed to drive?!

DUNCAN
Well you should take this car. It’s good for the earth.

JEFF
Yeah, well so is wiping your butt with a leaf, but it’s not how a man gets around!

DUNCAN stays silent; he just holds the package out to JEFF again. JEFF stares at it furiously, weighing his options, then rolls his eyes and snatches it.


CUT TO: INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY

JEFF
Golf cart!

JEFF jogs up the stairs to find everyone is still shouting and arguing. BRITTA sees him and comes out.

BRITTA
It is a disaster in there!

JEFF
Yeah! Untutorable. You like Thai food? I love Thai food?

BRITTA
Wait, so- so this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?

JEFF
Why can’t you see that for the compliment that it is?
(BRITTA shakes her head)
Okay, okay, okay, I’m sorry, it was an accident. I-I did a little bit of lying to get close to you. But how was I supposed to know that you were smart and cool? I mean, you look like Elizabeth Schue.

BRITTA
You’re unbelievable.

JEFF
What do you want me to do?

BRITTA
Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess.

JEFF looks into the room and watched everyone arguing for a second.

JEFF
Okay, if I do that, then... dinner, right?

BRITTA just stares at him, then laughs.

BRITTA
Yeah, fine, whatever. As if there’s a dinner on earth that could make me forget that you are a shallow douchebag.
(Goes inside)

JEFF
Oh, you’re gonna eat those words when you see my new car...

JEFF’S face falls as he finishes the sentence and remembers his trade with DUNCAN.


INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY (CONT.)

Everyone is still yelling. JEFF walks in, slams the envelope on the table and everyone falls silent.

JEFF
Alright everybody! I wanna say something. Sit down.

Everyone complies.

SHIRLEY
You don’t have to yell, I don’t appreciate your tone.

JEFF pauses for a second as everyone gets settled.

JEFF
You know what makes humans different from other animals?

TROY
Feet!

PIERCE
No, come on, bears have feet.

JEFF
We’re the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don’t even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this.

He snaps the pencil in half.

ABED
Oh!

JEFF
And part of you dies. Just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything.
(Tosses the broken pencil to ABED)
We can sympathise with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.

PIERCE
Big mistake.
(The others murmur in agreement)

JEFF
People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It’s clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I can never admit that, because that would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She’s driven. We need driven people, or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.

PIERCE
The Dalai Lama and I-

JEFF
We should listen to him sometime! We wouldn’t regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect; not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don’t test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised.
(SHIRLEY nods)
And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he’s all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No. They’re trying to impress their high school’s prom king. And Abed.
(ABED stops trying to fix the snapped pencil)
Abed’s a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup, because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You were just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.

PIERCE
Soup?

JEFF
I want you to look to the person to your left.
(Everyone does)
Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you.
(The pairs turn to each other)
Yeah. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, “I forgive you.”

ANNIE/SHIRLEY
I forgive you.

ABED/BRITTA
I forgive you.

TROY
I forgive you.

PIERCE
Twerp.

JEFF
Pierce, I’d like you to say “I forgive you.”

SHIRLEY
He didn’t say it?

PIERCE
(Quietly, almost a mumble)
I forgive you.

JEFF
You’ve just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a community.

SHIRLEY
Oh, that’s nice!

Everyone except PIERCE smiles and claps.

ABED
This isn’t like Breakfast Club anymore. Uh, now it’s like Stripes or Meatballs; anything with Bill Murray, really. Yeah.

JEFF
I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have a dinner engagement with Britta.
(Turns to her)
Britta?

BRITTA
I lied. Thanks for calming everyone down, but since you’re not a Spanish tutor and just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, I’d appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time.
(To the group)
Everybody ready?

JEFF
Fine. And I’m happy to report that one of the benefits of being a lying creep is having all the answers to tomorrow’s test.
(Holds up envelope)
And I’m happy to share them with anyone whose time I’ve wasted more than they’ve wasted mine.
(Glares at BRITTA)

PIERCE
Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group?

JEFF
I don’t have a study group Pierce, I made it up.

ANNIE
But what about the “look left” speech?

JEFF
Made it up! That’s what I do, I make things up, and I got paid a lot of money to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet. I was a lawyer.

Everyone groans in disgust. JEFF picks up the envelope and makes to leave.

ABED
You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you’re more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.

JEFF
Yeah?

ABED
Yeah.

JEFF
Well you have Asperger’s.
(Leaves)

ABED
What does that mean?

TROY
(Laughs)
Ass burgers.

ANNIE
It’s a serious disorder.

SHIRLEY
Oh yeah.

PIERCE
If it’s so serious, why don’t they call it meningitis?

TROY
(Chuckles)
Yeah.

PIERCE
(Chuckles also)
Ass burgers.

TROY
Burger for your ass.


EXT. LIBRARY – NIGHT

JEFF walks out, tears open the envelope and pulls out a stack of blank paper. He stops and flicks through them; on the last page, DUNCAN has written “BOOYAH”.


CUT TO: INT. DUNCAN’S OFFICE – NIGHT

DUNCAN is leaning back in his chair, laughing to himself and drinking red wine. JEFF’S car keys are in his hand. JEFF kicks the door open and DUNCAN puts his wine glass down.

DUNCAN
Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may want to think about the gift you’ve been given.

JEFF
An excuse to punch a hippy?

DUNCAN
No. No, not that. An important lesson, my friend. You see, the tools you acquired to survive our there will not help you here at Greendale.

JEFF starts towards DUNCAN.

DUNCAN
What you have, my friend, is a second chance at an honest life.

JEFF
Why are people trying to teach me things at a school that has an express tuition aisle? Give me the keys.

DUNCAN
No, I have to keep the car, for the lesson.

JEFF lunges at DUNCAN, and he tosses JEFF the keys instantly.

DUNCAN
Don’t hit me. Please don’t hit me.

JEFF takes the keys and walks out.

DUNCAN
Jeffrey? Jeffrey? Are we cool? Are we cool?!
(Picks up wine glass)
We cool.


EXT. LIBRARY – NIGHT (CONT.)

JEFF walks past the library exit, where PIERCE is standing. JEFF stops when he speaks.

PIERCE
I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age.

JEFF
(Nods)
I deserve that.

PIERCE
(Sitting down on the steps)
You know, I’ve been divorced...
(Thinks)
...seven times. Sometimes I think I’m doing something wrong.

JEFF
(Sitting next to him)
You keep getting married.

PIERCE
I never looked at it that way.

TROY walks up and stops next to JEFF. JEFF looks between him and PIERCE.

JEFF
Shouldn’t you guys be studying?

TROY
Yeah, things got kinda boring after you left.
(Sits next to JEFF)
Let me ask you something. People have been clowning me about this jacket since I got here, but... if I take it off to make them happy, that just makes me weak, right?

JEFF
Listen. It doesn’t matter. You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off. Either way, it’s for them. That’s what’s weak.

TROY
Whoa. You just wrinkled my brain, man.

PIERCE
He’s good, isn’t he?

TROY
He’s real good.

The rest of the group approaches from the library doors. ABED sits on the ground at the bottom of the stairs, the rest just stand behind JEFF.

BRITTA
Shouldn’t you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?

JEFF tosses the blank pages to the ground for all to see.

JEFF
I don’t have any of the answers. I’m gonna- I’m gonna flunk the test.

TROY
You just, like, study for, like, an hour, it’s not that hard. You seem pretty smart, you got a sports coat.

JEFF
Well, the funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So, uh... I’m not really s- sure how to do that.

SHIRLEY, ANNIE and TROY start worldessly miming to BRITTA that she should allow JEFF back into the group because he is sad and needs help with Spanish. BRITTA mimes back that he’s a douche and she doesn’t want to let him back in. ABED looks between them confusedly.

ABED
What’s going on? Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? Can you hear me talking right now?

SHIRLEY/ANNIE/BRITTA/TROY/PIERCE
Yes, yes.

ABED
Yes? That’s good.

BRITTA
You know what, Jeff, actually we didn’t get that far without you, so if you wanna come back upstairs...

JEFF turns and looks at her.

JEFF
Really?

BRITTA
Well it is your study group, so...

SHIRLEY
C’mon, let’s study.

PIERCE
Sounds good.

TROY
Pressure.

They all get up and go back into the library except for JEFF and ABED.

ABED
I’m sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now.
(Goes inside)

JEFF
(Frowns)
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

He picks up his things and follows the others inside.