I got a new drum set, I’m testing it out! Look what I can do Mom
Yo, so people always remember the good guys but what up with the villains?
I’ve compiled a list of my favorite ones in rap form for you, here we go, the greatest assholes in more or less chronological order

Here’s a list of famous assholes, let’s start with this dude
Named Cain, killed his brother and that was just rude
Brutus & Cassius were jerks – just a little
Nero was no hero, Rome burned, he played the fiddle
Caligula could give you a night to remember
Ghengis Khan might tie you up and lacerate your member
And when it came to ballers there was Vlad the Impaler
He’d run a stake up through you out your mouth to make you holler!
It’s no mystery, history remembers
Pirates pillaging and villagers dismembered
Vikings on a quest in their dragon shape boats
Running up on castles, jumping over moats
Christopher Columbus rolled up with a fungus
Pizarro and Cortes made the natives all say “um this…
One-sided exchange is not that nice!”
Like Henry the VIII beheading wife after wife

[Hook]
History’s greatest assholes, history’s greatest assholes
History’s greatest assholes, I’m calling you out, I’m calling you out!
History’s greatest assholes, history’s greatest assholes
History’s greatest assholes, I’m smoking you out, we’re smoking you out!

Benedict Arnold & Oliver Cromwell
Napoleon Bonaparte all wish it had gone well
With blown apart plans like Andrew Jackson
A Trail of Tears dividing families like fractions
Jack the Ripper had bad morals – like Lenin
Stalin killed 20 million and sent them all to heaven
Or hell, I don’t know but one thing is for certain
So many Russian people murdered behind an Iron Curtain
Gavrilo Princip shot Franz Ferdinand
Which lead to World War I and a famous Scottish Band
Which lead to World War II and freaking bodies everywhere
At the Holocaust museum there’s a wall of shoes and hair
On a rainy day in Amsterdam – tell me why
I saw Anne Frank House – and it made me cry
So whistle while you work, Hitler was jerk
Mussolini was a weenie, assholes got some nerve!

GAME SHOW HOST: Okay Lars, the turn goes to you
LARS: I’ll take compassionate athletes for $500 Alex
HOST: This football player is also known as a strong advocate of animal rights
LARS: Who is Michael Vick?
HOST: I’m sorry Lars, but that is incorrect
LARS: Damn!

[REPEAT Hook]

Mengele was sick, with that scientific research
Lamps of human skin blood up on his t-shirt
Pol Pot, Ho Chi Minh, Idi Amin
All up in the jungle acting real mean
Mark David Chapman shot a Beatle on the street
James Earl Ray killed Martin Luther King
Manson crashed parties and painted the town
(The Zodiac killer has yet to be found.)
It’s an inside job trading junk bonds and derivatives
Systematic risk, Wall Street greed is quite indicative
20 billion in the bank, but y’all kept on spending
Killing our economy with subprime lending
Vince Offer slapchopped a hooker in the face
John Mayer said very awkward things about his race
Charlie Sheen…. Wait hold up, everyone’s rapping about
Charlie Sheen right now and it’s played out and boring
And whack so I’m going to skip this part
Biff Tannen well actually, his whole family
I’m speaking candidly like Colmes and Hannity
It’s insanity, they rapin’ everybody
We tune in when it’s shocking and we tune when it’s bloody
Mel Gibson hittin’ women thinkin’ he can get away like OJ
Oh wait what would Dr. Laura say?
Okay, no way, yo I almost forgot
George W. Bush, you got the number one spot!