[Verse 1: M.C. Frontalot]
Welcome! Cryptozoology 101
I’m (um...) Professor Frontalot! And you’ve come
To talk about the Loch Ness Monster
Everybody wants to, but its study belongs to
The humblest catalogs of unknown truth
You can order on the internet its front left tooth
You could read my dissertation, “On A Fin With A Hoof,”
Then you know we don’t discuss it if there’s already proof
Come on. Put away the gray textbook
With its Yeti, Yeren, Almas and Bigfoot
All this input you should have got in your pre-reqs
Scholarly pretext? Check it for defects
Better we devote our time as a class
To discovering the meaning of the creature at last
To the monster! Is it real? I don’t know
It’s a Tennessee stiff-legged fainting goat

[Glen Phillips]
Must be the stuff of folklore and magic:
A creature so impossibly tragic
I believe a pig can take wing
But a Scare Goat is such an impossible thing

[Verse 2: M.C. Frontalot]
What’s the deterrent? Your mythology’s current
Some’ve seen it up close, and those videos weren’t
Abhorrent forgeries either, at all
But a Scare Goat, I must insist, is forestalled
By any measure of your commonest sense
And I wouldn’t think that I would even have to dispense
This info: that this thing is just made up
“Scare Goat:” something somebody pulled out of his butt
What? No, wait a minute, we all agree
That the Skunk Ape and the Jersey Devil run free
Don’t try to test me in the Monterey Bay;
Bobo’s so real he’s become a cliché
Got a Mongolian Death Worm at my house
Right next to Squonk and the Aqueous Mouse
Chupacabras that pounce, though they’d never
They can’t, on seizurey midgets that aren’t extant

[Glen Phillips]
I’m the cryptozookeeper, true believer
Unicorn-chasing centaur seeker
I’ll accept what I cannot see
But the fainting goat is too much for me
I’m the myth truster when facts are lackluster
But myotonia congenita is too much, sir
I’ll accept what I cannot see
But not the fainting G-O-A-T

[Verse 3: M.C. Frontalot]
Go back in time, find Scully and Mulder
Don’t ask, just grab their zoology folder
Then bring it back to me now, if I’m still around;
I might be mingling with mole people underground
Or up in the sky on a hippogryph
Flying through this abyss (it’s in my syllabus)
I am instilling this knowledge in noggins:
Imaginary animals come gumming and clogging
Your mental acuity like the web of Anansi
Now and in perpetuity cogitate fancily
Figure this thing out, then sort it and keep it
It’ll be on the final like Bo Peep on sheep dip
(Which she would have been on, if she’d been real –
She lived up in the meadow, wasn’t that genteel)
I feel, in addition, since her tale’s untrue
Girl must have been attendant to the Scare Goat too

[Glen Phillips]
Must be the stuff of folklore and magic:
A creature so impossibly tragic
I believe a pig can take wing
But a Scare Goat is such an impossible thing
I’m the cryptozookeeper, true believer
Unicorn-chasing centaur seeker
I’ll accept what I cannot see
But the fainting goat is too much for me
I’m the myth truster when facts are lackluster
But myotonia congenita is too much, sir
I’ll accept what I cannot see
But not the fainting G-O-A-T
Not the fainting G-O-A-T