Paul McDermott:
The-the-the-the-the quee-the quee-the queen-the queen-the queen-the queen-the queen-the queen
The-the-the-the-the queen mother is dead-dead-d-d-dead
Welcome to the show, we'll make this quick
We have an hour with you and then that's it
Just me along with these two fuckwits

Mick Moriarty and Cameron Bruce:
Three!

All:
Everybody's got a different way of looking at the world

Paul:
We'll have fun, but please don't expect too much
Went out last night and we all got drunk

All:
Tequila!
Everybody's got a different way of looking at the world
We're so delighted to be invited
We're so delighted to be invited

Paul:
There'll be no refunds and no returns
If you don't like it, baby, feel the burn
You've just wasted all the cash you earned
All:
While with the cost of living on an average wage that's got to hurt

Paul:
We may offend you but so you know
The views expressed in this satirical show
I must admit to you may not be those
Of the backing band or the management or the government

All:
Everybody's got a different way of looking at the world

We love every single one of you
Every man, every woman, every boy, every girl
Every child in the audience
Except for the fella down the front here who sucks off goats

Everybody's got a different way of looking at the world
We're so delighted to be invited
We're so delighted to be invited
GUD!

Paul: (spoken)
Thank you ladies and gentleman for coming along to this last ever performance-

Mick and Cameron:
GUD!
Paul: (spoken)
-of GUD and... thank you...

Mick and Cameron:
GUD!

Paul: (spoken)
And I'll tell you, this last week we've been doing it-

Mick and Cameron:
GUD!

Paul: (spoken)
It's been a nightmare

Mick and Cameron:
GUD!

Paul: (spoken)
The real problem is they keep fucking playing the music and you can't hear a fucking word I'm saying. And it's quite irritating really, you know, it's like having both drummers from Def Leppard with all their fucking arms still intact, just fucking hammering away. And that's how dumb they are - if you look closely, they're dribbling out both sides of their mouths at the same time tonight. And after all that GUD-GUD-GUD it becomes like a really bad biker's speed hangover, you know? The really cheap biker's speed from paracetamol when they break it down just for the pseudoephedrine... so they've stopped. Sorry about that because... sorry... oops!

Mick and Cameron:
GUD!

Paul: (sung)
I did it again
I made you believe we're more than just friends
Oh baby, baby
Mick and Cameron:
GUD!

Paul: (spoken)
Oh my God, Britney! What are you doing with that hamster? Aaahh!

Mick and Cameron:
GUD!

Paul: (spoken)
Fire ants? Why hire them in the first place?

Mick and Cameron:
GUD!

Paul: (spoken)
I have an anal wart that answers to the name of Derrick

All: (sung)
DERRIIIIIIICK!
GUD!

Paul:
And don't you remember you told me you gave me herpes?

All:
GUD!

Cameron:
She said I tasted sweet, I'd been eating mangoes

All:
GUD!

Paul:
Oh baby, oh baby, baby
How could you be cruel to me?
When I've been so delicious?

All:
Love that Britney, love that Britney, love that Britney Spears
Especially when her legs are up around her ears

We're so delighted to be invited
We're so delighted to be invited
GUD!