Hello, and welcome to Cooked on Phonics, the story of how a cheesy death metal band named Cryptic Coroner, became the punk phenomenon of the century, when they realised they were making no money
Our story begins, at a crappy little pub on a cheap beer night, where our heroes are aboot to take the stage
This, ALTHOUGH they don't know it yet, will be the last show they play as the infamous Cryptic Coroner, and the birth of the music biz's little babies : Punky Bruster
Let's listen in, shall we?
"Hey, turn the music down... Ah, welcome to a tuesday night at "Mallone's", Surrey's hottest hole for rock'n'roll, ah tonight we've got two for one Tequila shooter specials
Uh, anyway, straight from Poland, we've got... uh... hang on a sec (in the background: CRYPTIC CORONER !) oh yah, Cryptic Coroner, uh, give them a round of applause."
GOOD EVENING MALLOOOONE'S, WE ARE - CRYPTIC - COOOROOONEEEER, FROM SOUTH CENTRAL POOOOOLAAAAND... ROT - IN - HEEEEEELL !!!
(Death metal part---------------------------------------------)
"Ahhh... I broke a string ! I broke a s... I.. I mean, I mean... I BROKE A STRING !!!
I broke a string man !
Oh, holy fuck ...yeah man this looks bad, can you play a punk beat? -I, I think I can
Those guys gonna kill us men we've got to do something up here...
I'm not sure give me a second
Can you try I just get up... Yeah, that's it, that sounds good !
How's that ?!
It's good, just wait I gotta tune up man, just keep goin' I gotta tune 'kay
Now we need some bass in here too... Hey get the bass goin' !
Oh man I don't like the way this crowd's actin', just keep goin' man keep goin'
'Kay right
And put some guitar in
I got it
Ok, ready ? Ready ?
Yeah... That sounds pretty good!
Gimme some bass!
Come on! Now they're gonna kill us, gimme bass now!
Yeah, yeah, I can handle this
Hey, I think I'm gonna cut my hair! Wow!
Think "Green Day"! Let's go!!!"
We're not metal anymore
We're the punky rockin' whores!
Born to make the girls go crazy
Let us in the latest fad
We'll be the best you've ever had!
Even though we're losers baby!
(This music) scares the hell right out of me!
Even thought it makes you feel alright
You're not punk and you never will be!
- And you put a number on us all!
Oh, don't it make you sad?
Oh, don't it make you mad?
It's everything I hate
So I'm here lying on the floor
'Cause I can't fake it through the door
I've learned the recipe for bait!
It's everything you're meant to be
Stuff Mom and Dad will never see
My excuses to be lazy!
'Cause we're not babies anymore!
Gonna start a fucking war!
Anything to make you crazy!!
(Generation) X is a consumer fallacy!
(And I hear you say) Why push yourself if there's no hope at all?
Well just count the things you'll never be
And pass them over as you fall!!!
I've gotta get now to a phone
I can't stand another minute alone
'Cause I've got to know who's making it right now!
"Hey this is Jimmy Rickles for CFUH radio, you know this is amazing we're down here witnessing the phenomenon that is Punky Bruster... All the people here are going crazy and it's just- it's amazing they sold a hundred thousand albums in the past two and a half hours
The world is going wild for these guys
You know... I was doing this about 15 years ago and now they're just capitalizing on what should've been MY money...
I can't believe these bloody kids... They think they're punk? That's not punk! Punk hasn't been punk since WE were bloody punks!
This is crap dude! You can't just take an attitude and wrap it up in a little plastic bag and sell it to corporate America!
That's not punk! Punk is something ya feel! I was punk 10 years ago, and I'm still punk
Cause there's nothing that's gonna stop me from lifting weights, and writing books, and makin' things outta earwax
(Grand-ma' voice or something) Yes, well the ????? quite approves of the new movement that the young people of today call 'punk!' It offers more positive solutions to negative problems that plague society in America today. And yes, for one, I quite like it!"
