Well, I guess it was back in '63
When eatin' my cookin' got the better of me
So I asked this little girl I was goin' with to be my wife
Well, she said she would, so I said “I do”
But I'da said I wouldn't if I'da just knew
How sayin' “I do” was gonna screw up all of my life!

Well, the first few years weren't all that bad â€"
I'll never forget the good times we had
Cause I'm reminded every month when I send her the child support
Well, it wasn't too long till the lust all died
And I'll admit I wasn't too surprised
The day I come home and found my suitcase sittin' out on the porch

Well, I tried to get in â€" she changed the locks!
Then I found this note taped on the mailbox
That said, “Goodbye, turkey! My attorney will be in touch!” Mm-hmm…
So I decided right then and there
I's gonna do what's right â€" give her her fair share
But brother â€" I didn't know her share's gon' be THAT much!

She got the gold mine! She got the gold mine!
I got the shaft. I got the shaft
They split it right down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, it all sounds sorta funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the gold mine - I got the sha-a-aft

Now, listen â€" you ain't heard nothin' yet:
Why, they give her the color television set
Then they give her the house, the kids, and both of the cars! See?
Well, then they start talkin' ‘bout child support
Alimony, and the cost of the court â€"
Didn't take me long to figure out how far in the toilet I was!

I'm tellin' ya, they have made a mistake
Cause it adds up to more than this cowboy makes!
Besides; everything I ever had worth takin', they've already took!
While she's livin' like a queen on alimony
I'm workin' two shifts eatin' baloney
Askin' myself, “Why didn't you just learn how to cook?!?!”

They give her the gold mine! She got the gold mine!
They give me the shaft. I got the shaft
They said they're splittin' it all down the middle
But she got the better half
Well, it all sounds mighty funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the gold mine - I got the sha-a-aft

Well, she got the gold mine! She got the gold mine!
I got the shaft. I got the shaft
They split it all down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, I guess it all sounds funny, Hoo, hoo, hoo, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the gold mine - I got the sha-a-aft
(They ain't kiddin' me â€" I got the shaft.)

Well, I don't have to worry ‘bout totin' a billfold n'more
Hahahahaha…
I let my wife tote it; I'mon' be carryin' food stamps â€"
You get it, judge? I'mon' be… Just… Hahahaha…
Ah, it's not funny, huh? Huh? Huh?
Contempt of court? Whaddaya mean?
Listen, judge: I's just kiddin'!