Hey, man, what are you really into, huh?

The elusive butterfly has just tip-toed past my door
My buddy likes the Yankees; she says "Hey, T-Bone, what's the score?"
And I say, "Well, Reggie got 1 in 1 in 3, and 25 is 6 to 4."
Is the left-wing really pinko? Colonel Sanders, what a bore!
You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose?
Is this schizoid paranoia, or just existential blues?

The amenities of life have been chasing my soul
And my mind is transcendental, and I'm losing all control
And I'm sinking in the quagmire of illusions and Thoreau
I cry out, "My name is T-Bone!" as a hound dog digs a hole
You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose?
Is this Plato's heebie-jeebies, or just existential blues?

Sailing, sailing, what is 'lusion? What is tru-ue?
Sailing, sailing, over the existential blues
God bless America, and Old Glory too!
May she always wave o'er us with the red, white, and existential blues!
Hey, ba-ba-de-ba-ba-da-ba-da-da
Ba-de-bom-ba-de-bom--ba-ding-a-ding-ding ding-existential blues
Hey, you can do what you want but lay off my existential blues!
My blue suede existential blues!

[Spoken:]
I was on a quest!
To dream the impossible dream
Walking down the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah
I was walking down the road, I was looking for the truth of life
When I came across all these little people, little people
Little people all around me
They looked up at me and said, "Hey, mister, are you tall?"
I said, "Yes, I'm tall, but who are you weird little wonders?"
And they looked up at me with their big, red, bloodshot eyes and said:

We are the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids
The lollipop kids
We are the lollipop kids!
And we'd like to welcome you to Munchkinland!

I said, "Hey! Hey, weird little wonders, I am on a quest
To dream the impossible dream
Walking down the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah
I said, "Hey kids, I'm looking for the truth of life
Where do I go, who do I see?"
They said, "Slow down, mister, in order to find the truth of life
One must see THE WIZARD!"
I said, "THE WIZARD? Well, where does this wizard, old wise one, live?"
They said, "You see the big, green, glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill?"
I said, "Yes, I see the big, green, glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill
There's a big, dark forest between me and the big, green, glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill
And a little old lady on a Hoover vacuum cleaner going
"I'll get you, my little pretty, and your little dog, Toto, too!"
I don't even have a little dog, Toto."

Such predicaments, I must forge ahead!
To dream the impossible dream
Walking down the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah
I must find the truth of life
I said, "But you know, kids, I can handle a big, green, glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill
I can handle a darn forest
I can handle the little old lady
But that's a very strange road you're sending me down!
I've seen yellow stripes in the middle of a road before, but kids, uh, never quite that wide!"
All right, tighten your shorts pilgrim, and sing like da Duke

Follow the yellow brick road (Come on)
Follow the yellow brick road (Everybody sing)
Follow, follow, follow, follow
Follow the yellow brick road
If ever a wonderful wiz there was
The Wizard of Oz is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does!
La-la-la-la-la-la-la, ha-ha!
We're off to see the wizard
The wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Wellllll, I got a little bit tired of
Walking down the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah
I got a little bit tired of walking down this old blinding yellow road
So pulled my little tired old body off to a little rest area
And lo and behold there's a little field of little red flowers out there
And they, heh, smelled so good. Whoa
I was gettin' pretty tired and they smelled so good, and I
Figured, well, I'll just stretch out in this little field of

POPPIES! POPPIES! POPPIES! poppies!
(Cough)
Hey, what a strange dream, man!
The little flowers, they smell awfully good, and I was pretty tired
The old wizard's just gonna have to wait, man, because I'm just gonna
Stretch out again in the little field of

POPPIES! POPPIES! POPPIES!
OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!
Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy!
(SNIFFFFFFF)
DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY!
Dorothy's been coppin' this field all to herself, man
Along came this old man in a green El Dorado II, screeched to a halt
A little short man with a big red nose
Toking a bottle of Yukon Jack
Strolled up to me and said, "Hey, son."
I said, "Old man, don't bother me. POPPIES, MMMMMMMMM!"
He said, "T-Bone!"
I said, "Wait a minute, this old man knows my name, he must be
THE WIZARD!"

He must be the Wizard
The Wizard of Oz
Why have you come to haunt me?
Oh, Wizard of Oz

I said, "Oh, Wizard, old wise one, I have been on a quest
To dream the impossible dream
Walking down the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah
And I met these little people
We are the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow, follow, follow
I got tired
POPPIES! POPPIES!
Little old man, I've been through hell!"
He said, "Hey, son, slow down, relax."
I said, "But, wizard, old wise one, I have come so far to find the truth of life!"
He says, "Hey, son, slow down, relax."
He said, "To tell you the truth, son..."
I said, "Wizard, that's what I've come to find is the truth."
He said, "No, no, no, son, you've got me all wrong. Heh heh
To tell you the truth, son...uh...how can I tell you this? Uh...
I've been in this field of poppies a long time myself, and I've come to find, son, that the only truth in life is right here in this bottle."
I said, "Wizard!"
He said, "No, truly, son. In fact, I'd rather have this bottle in front of me than A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY!"
How profound, Wizard!

Some girl with psychic power, she said, "T-Bone, what's your sign?"
I blink and answer, "Neon!" I thought I'd blow her mind
She's reading Moby Dick by some fruitcake named Herman
She's chomping on a knockwurst, was the duchess really German?
You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose?
Is this really Butte, Montana, or just existential blues?

Really Butte, Montana?
Is this Plato's heebie-jeebies?
Is this schizoid paranoia?

(Star Trek-like sound effects)

La-la-la-la-la-la-la, existential blu-uu-uuuuu-ues!