[Mark]
There are three kinds of people who survive in monster gulch
People who become scavengers
People who become bandits
And people who become-

[Enis]
-friends with sparkly vampires!

[Mark]
Get outta my narration, Enis!

[Enis]
Sorry

[Enis]
(Yodeling)

[Mark]
Stop yodeling! You're attracting monsters!
Woah woah woah, okay.
Alright this is where we cross. Who's got the supply bag?

[Enis]
Right here!

[Mark]
Oh cool
Why is it empty?

[Enis]
I thought I would use the supplies to make a trail, so we can find our way back!

[Mark]
We're not going back

[Enis]
Wow Mark, you're breath is a little stinky today

[Dodger]
Okay. How about you go first

[Mark]
Why?

[Dodger]
Because first smells worst, now go

[Enis]
Um, Dodger? We may have a problem

[Dodger]
Yeah, he's sparkly and likes to yodel
Come on

[Mark]
Enis, what's the hold up?

[Enis]
Funny thing about vampires.
We're uh... we're afraid of... W... W...

[Dodger]
Warts?

[Mark]
Wallabies?

[Dodger]
Wax museums?

[Mark]
Oh, yeah! Wax museums. Everyone's afraid of wax museums.

[Dodger]
Terrifying

[Enis]
No! Water!

[Dodger]
Okay, can't you like turn into a sparkle bat or something?
And like, fly over here?

[Enis]
That's a great idea! If I just concentrate for the next twenty minutes!

[Mark]
Uh. Why couldn't it of been wax museums?

[Enis]
Mark?
Mark?!
MARK?!

[Mark]
How did you survive this long?

[Mark]
STOP!

[Dodger]
I ship it

[Enis]
Yes! We made it! This calls for a victory fanfare!
What did you do that for?

[Mark]
(whispers) It's what the book said to do

[Enis]
Where?!

[Mark]
Let's keep moving! Unlike you, some of these monsters can actually swim


[Enis]
Garlic combs, garlic bread, garlic wings, wooden steaks, summer steaks, t-bone steaks and occasionally perpendicular intersecting line segments

[Mark]
So what about sunlight? Does that kill you too?

[Enis]
Nah, that I'm just allergic to

[Dodger]
Hello. What are you?

[Mark]
Looks like an abandoned bandit shack

[Dodger]
It smells like an abandoned bandit shack
It's not the ritziest place we've stayed but it's not bad

[Enis]
Which part's the part that's not bad?

[Dodger]
Look, it's got a roof, it's got walls and it's got solid door!

[Mark]
Well... It's got a roof and walls
Which might keep us alive 'til daybreak

[Enis]
Can't we just camp out beneath the stars?

[Mark]
Monster gulch isn't the most friendly place after dark
If you're not indoors when the sun goes down, then you won't live to see it come back up

[Dodger]
Guys. Good news: There's food in the kitchen
Bad news is tastes like rotten zucchini

[Enis]
That's my favorite!

[Mark]
Sun's going down
We should get inside
We can loot this dump and leave in the morning

[Enis]
And miss this gorgeous sunset?

[Dodger]
Don't worry Enis, think of it like a sleepover

[Enis]
I love sleepovers!


[Enis]
This is not like a sleepover

[Mark]
Would you like to play charades?

[Dodger]
I would!

[Mark]
Let me see your underwear for a second

[Dodger]
We're not gonna play charades?

[Mark]
No, we're not gonna play charades
This looks like a bedroom!
Maybe I'll crawl up with a blanket
Make a snack in the kitchen instead

[Dodger]
Is there anything interesting going on outside?
Nope

[Mark]
Really?

[Dodger]
Hey buddy. Been a little quiet. Which I honestly didn't think was possible for you

[Enis]
Guess I'm just a little bit homesick
Never been away from the mansion for so long

[Mark]
You've been gone for one day!

[Enis]
I don't get out much

[Dodger]
Look, I know that... this place feels a little creepy
Huh? And weird?
But, Mark's creepy and weird

[Mark]
Hey!

[Dodger]
We still like him, huh?
Cheer up, Enis
No need to feel so sad
So chin up, Enis
It's really not so bad, and
Just between us,
There's still a million ways
To put that grin
Back on your face

[Enis]
Like what, exactly?

[Dodger]
Imagine the floor is hot lava,
And not just a hotbed of fleas
Pretend that this bloodstain's
A painting!
And that we're heisting
A fine masterpiece!
Make believe that
These creepy inscriptions
Show a passageway
Built in the wall!
It's not easy to see,
But kid, take it from me,
That this place isn't
So awful at all!

[Enis]
You're right, I feel way better!

[Mark]
There's a secret
Passage in the kitchen-

[Enis]
-This isn't a mold-ridden sofa!

[Dodger]
Oh yeah?

[Enis]
It's a pony named
Buckaroo Jones!

[Dodger]
Okay...

[Enis]
And here's a
Shakespearean actor,
Who looks like a pile of bones!
Hey!
This isn't a chamber for torture,
It's a spot to drink
Tea with our dolls!

[Dodger]
Maybe we should drink
Coffee instead...

[Enis]
Pretend this thing's a grenade!

[Dodger]
That was actually a grenade...

[Enis]
But hey this isn't...
A waffle at all!

[Dodger]
It's not "waffle," it's "awful!"

[Enis]
Tastes fine to me!

[Dodger]
This place may be
Smelly and scary...
And it may be the
Last place we see...

[Enis & Dodger]
But I know that, for sure,
There is one certain cure
To endure it all,
Take it from me!

[Mark]
Grah, all right, look
We are DONE with make-believe!
There's no floor made of lava
There's no BUCKAROO JONES,
And there's NO TEA PARTIES EITHER!

[Enis]
The hand grenade was real!
Sorry...

[Mark]
You guys want real?
Here's what's real
About this place
This place really reeks
Like an outhouse,
And really has mildew to spare!
I'm really creeped out
By this portrait,
And I really wouldn't
Sit in that chair!
The food in the fridge is expired!
Something's dripping halfway
Down the hall!

[Enis]
Let's pretend it's a pool!

[Dodger]
Oh yeah, that would be cool!

[Enis & Dodger]
This really isn't...
So awful at all!
A puppet show
Made out of curtains!

[Mark]
This is the
Worst thing I've seen!

[Enis & Dodger]
A three-player role-playing game!

[Mark]
What does this attribute mean?

[Enis & Dodger]
Extreme indoor racing;
Fine wine and cheese tasting!

[Mark]
I still think it's
Pointless and lame!

[Dodger]
Imagine we're all in
A sword fight!

[Enis]
With garbage instead of
Real swords!

[Mark]
I'd like to pretend
We're a rock band!
But it's clear that
We don't know any chords...

[Enis]
Pretend that that shadow's
A giant,
Not a guy who's been
There all along!

[Mark]
What?

[Enis]
Weren't it all in our heads,
We would probably be dead,
But this place isn't...
So awful at all!
It isn't so awful at all


[Enis]
Wow that was really good. Who was singing the bass?

[Bandit]
I did

[Enis]
Oh, that makes sense. AH!

[Enis]
Hi, you must be... the home owner!
I love what you've done with the place

[Dodger]
That uh... Hi... That torture chamber, that's just for show. Right?

[Mark]
Definitely not for show! Definitely not for show!

[Dodger]
Not for show. Not for show

[Enis]
So he DOES host tea parties!

[Mark]
Time to go!


[Bandit]
Don't run away!

[Bandit]
Haven't you heard? This place isn't so awful at all!

[Dodger]
You know what IS gonna be awful?
That headache in the morning!

[Mark]
The sun's up

[Dodger]
Guess we should grab our things and get the heck outta here?

[Enis]
And leave this guy's awesome stuff?!

[Mark]
There are three kinds of people who survive in monster gulch
People who become scavengers
People who become bandits
And people who become friends with sparkly vampires
Apparntly we're all three