[RICH]
Freshman year
I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue
I was a loser just like you
Good times would only soar by

I was gross
As every female could attest
My sexting was a futile quest
My little penis was depressed
He was so lonely
The poor guy!

I was hopeless, hopeless
I was helpless, helpless
Every time I'd walk the hallway
I would trip
I was stagnant and idle
I was so suicidal
And then
Then, then
Then, then
Then, then
Then, then
Then, then
Then, then I got a SQUIP
[JEREMY, spoken]
You got quick?!

[RICH, spoken]
Not quick
SQUIP

[JEREMY, spoken]
I've just never heard of it before

[RICH, spoken]
Yeah, that's the point!
This is some top-secret, can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit

(sung)
It's from Japan
It's a gray, oblong pill
Quantum nano-technology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill will travel
Through your blood until
It implants in your brain and it tells you what to do

[JEREMY, spoken]
So it's like...
Drugs?
[RICH, spoken]
It's better than drugs, Jeremy

[RICH & (ENSEMBLE)]
It's from Japan!
(Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
It's a gray, oblong pill
(Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
Quantum nano-technology CPU
(Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
The quantum computer in the pill will travel
Through your blood until
(Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
It implants in your brain and it tells you what to do
(Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
It tells you what to do

It's preprogrammed (Ohhhhh)
It's amazing (Ohhhhh)
Speaks to you directly (Ohhhhh Ah ah)
You behave as (Ohhhhh)
It's appraising (Ohhhhh)
Helps you act correctly (Ohhhhh)

[RICH & ENSEMBLE]
Helps you to be cool!
It helps you rule!
[RICH]
'Cause right now you're
Helpless, helpless
You are
Almost hopeless
On the school's social map, you're just a blip
But if you
Take my advice and if you pay the listed price
Well, then you go from sad to interesting
To hip - Yeah, your whole life will flip!

[RICH & ENSEMBLE]
When you buy a SQUIP!

[RICH & (ENSEMBLE)]
Hey, yeah, a SQUIP-IP-IP! (Oohhh, ahhhh)
Hey, a SQUIP! (Oohhhh)
Hey, yeah! (Ahhh, ahhhh)
No longer a drip when you got in your grip
A SQUIP
A SQUIP
A SQUIP! (Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)