Will Roland
Be More Chill, Pt. 1
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
You see, human social activity is governed by rules. And I have the processing capacity to understand those rules. And pass them on to you

(sung)
C-c-c-c-c-cmon, Jeremy, can't you see?
Your operating system is outdated
Come on, boo, you know that you
Make everyone around you nauseated
Hey, I've arrived now, this is not a drill
Bae, I've arrived, wow!
Won't be long until
You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill
Be more chill

[JEREMY, faintly]
Wow

[THE SQUIP]
Take your hands out of your pockets
Arch your back, puff out your chest
Add some swagger to your gait or
You'll look like a mas-tur-ba-tor
Fix your posture, then the rest

[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, but I am a masturbator
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
We'll fix that

(sung)
All your nerdiness is ugly

[JEREMY, spoken]
I thought I was more of a geek?

[THE SQUIP]
All your stammering's a chore

[JEREMY, spoken]
Wha-stammer- no, I don't stammer, you know what I—

[THE SQUIP]
Your tics and fidgets are persistent
And your charm is non-existent
Fix your vibe, then fix some more

[THE SQUIP]
Bu—

[JEREMY]
Ah—
[THE SQUIP]
Buh

[JEREMY]
Oh—

[THE SQUIP]
No

[JEREMY]
Ah?

[THE SQUIP]
Stop

[JEREMY]
Oh!

[THE SQUIP]
Oh, everything about you is so terrible

[JEREMY]
...terrible?

[THE SQUIP]
Terrible!
[JEREMY]
Oh...

[The SQUIP]
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

[JEREMY]
(heavy breathing)

[THE SQUIP]
So don't freak out
And don't resist
And have no doubt
If I assist
You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill
Be more chill

(spoken)
Now, the first thing you need to change is your shirt. Buy that one!

[JEREMY, spoken]
It says Eminem...

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
If you’re so astute, what do you need me for?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Do people still listen to Eminem?

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Irrelevant. My quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well

(sung)
Oh, everything about you is so terrible

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

[THE SQUIP]
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
All the people in the mall

[THE SQUIP]
Think you are such a slob

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
You're a slob!
Terrible!
Such a slob!

[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
And boy

[THE SQUIP]
Can I see why!

(spoken)
Now you, try picking a shirt
That's a girl's shirt

[CHLOE, spoken]
...Jerry?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Jerry-me

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Greet the beta

[JEREMY, spoken]
The be- oh. Hi, Brooke

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
"You look sexy."

[JEREMY, spoken]
I can't say that to a hot girl! Aaah!

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death

[JEREMY, spoken]
Looking... pretty... sexy, Broo-ke!

[BROOKE, spoken]
Thanks

[CHLOE, spoken]
Is that a girl's shirt?

[JEREMY, spoken]
No

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
"Yes."

[JEREMY, spoken]
Yes

[THE SQUIP, spoken & JEREMY, overlapping]
Repeat after me:

(sung)
I saw it in the window
I saw it in the window
And I couldn't dismiss
And I couldn't dismiss
I was dating a girl
I was dating a girl
And she had a shirt just like this
And she had a shirt just like this, haha!

[THE SQUIP]
It's still painful

[JEREMY]
It's still painful

[CHLOE, spoken]
So, who was this mystery girl?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, you've probably never heard of-

[THE SQUIP]
Madeline

[JEREMY]
Madeline

[CHLOE, spoken]
What?

[JEREMY]
She's French

[CHLOE, spoken]
She is NOT French! She just pretends to be for attention!

[BROOKE, spoken]
Madeline broke up with you?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Yeah

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
No

[JEREMY, spoken]
I mean—

[THE SQUIP]
I broke up with her

[JEREMY]
I broke up with her!

[THE SQUIP]
'Cause she was
Cheating on me

[JEREMY, overselling it]
She was
Cheating on me-e-e-eeee!

[THE SQUIP]
Hey, Hamlet. Be more chill

(spoken)
Brooke is going to offer you a ride. It is imperative you accept