[Verse 1]
I was only
Twenty-nine and lonely as a bull moose in heat
When he came along, singing that same old song
I said, you know I'm entering my prime
Thirty-one to thirty-nine
Bet you've read those articles, too
Statistically speaking, my hormones are creeping
I can feel them moving in the night
But like those articles say—I am woman
I can wait until it's right

[Chorus]
I'm gonna be a cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan girl
I'll take half a dozen lovers and teach them what I've seen
In between the covers of my favorite magazine
I'm gonna read statistics, plan logistics
Live my life to the hilt
Without shame, without pain, without guilt
(We're big on guilt)

[Verse 2]
I hit thirty
Waiting for my endocrines to match those questionnaires
He grew impatient, I said—I'm saving myself
Meantime, let's do some therapy
Take a course in co-dependency
And while we're at it, you could lose some weight
We've got so much to share—no, don't touch me there
What's another year between friends?
The wait will be worth it
'Cause I'm bound to be perfect by then
[Chorus]
I'm gonna be a cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan girl
Well, I'm reading Kama Sutra—I bought it on cassette
And I found this chiropractor who can limber up my neck
I want that first time flawless, really lawless
Want to enjoy it to the hilt
Without shame, without pain, without guilt

[Bridge]
The big day finally came
There was a note on the door
And it said—Here's a little something to remember me by
'Cause I've fallen for this waitress who respects her cellulite

[Chorus]
This is a cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan gift
And I know that you'll appreciate it when you think of me
All those lonely nights while you're protecting your virginity
This gift is flawless, this gift is cordless
So enjoy it to the hilt
Without shame, without pain, without guilt
Without shame, without pain, without guilt
No shame, no pain, no guilt