It's lovely to see so many familiar faces in the audience

There's John. Yes, John
Sarah. Nice to see you, Sarah
Claire!
Linda. JoAnn. JoAnn & Linda, always together
Martin

You know who's not here?
No
Jane

Jane?
Jane
Jane?
Yes, you know Jane
Jane with the G & the Y in her name?
No, Jane with the G that's married to Jim
What? Bearded Jim with the hat?
That's him. So Jane-
Jane?

Yes, you know Jane
With the feet & the fingers
No, that's not her name. That's June
That's June?
Yes it is
Not true, that lady is Mary & neighbors June
Then who am I thinking of?
Well I don't know
Is her name Dot?
Or it might be Jo
No, Jo is the one with the dodgy leg and the hairless cat

Am I thinking of Anne?
Anne? (x 8)
I don't know an Anne
Of course you do, from down the road
That's Anne, that lady at number four with the rabbit
And the dog with a manky paw?

No the dog with the manky paw is Jane's
With a Y? No, an I & a Mexican J
Like [Yane]?
Who's [Yane]?
But it's spelled like Jane
What? Jane with a G?
No, a silent K

Oooh, Jane!

Jane
Jane
Jane
How could I forget Jane?
Jane with the teeth & the tongue in her name
That's Jane (x2)
With the African A
No, that Jane doesn't have an African A
You must be thinking of someone else
Sometimes I really do confuse myself
So anyway, Jane was talking to John

What? Brown Long John?
No, John John John
Oh, John John John at the hardware store
With his claw for hand & his legs are too small?
No, that's John John at the hardware store
So who's John John John? Have I seen him before?
You must've done, he's been round for years
Oh, I know him with the weird shaped ears
Like a tiny leaf stuck on to his head. Yes, I know that John
No, that John's dead
...
Well, he had his time. That John was getting on for 99
Oh, 99? Didn't he do well considering
He's deaf & gave off a weird smell

So anyway, Jane was talking to John
And told him their affair had gone on for too long
Jane was sleeping with John John John?
I could have sworn she was dating Patchwick Don
No Patchwick Don is married to Anne
With a messy front garden & a rusty van
Rusty Anne at number four with a rabbit & the dog
With a manky paw?
No, the dog with the manky paw is Jane's
With a Y?
No, an I. That's a different Jane
So Jane was sleeping John John John
And told him their affair had gone on for too long
That's right (x2)
Oh, thank God for that
I must tell Mary
Oh, Mary with the cat?
Yeah, Mary with the cat. Such a lovely cat
Mary with the cat who neighbors June?
Not Dot or Jo, whose weight has ballooned
Hasn't she grown? She doesn't look the same
As she did when I first met her at that party of Janes

So anyway, Jane with F
And the I?
Wanted me to tell you that she says Hi!