It’s fair to say, in the game of love, I always come in last
Life was giving me lots of lemons, but the lemons were all dry. (And very off-colour)

All my romances turned unromanciful
My fancies turned unfanciful
I thought there was no chance at all
I’d find my one true love
I needed sugar, I needed spice
I needed more joie de la vie
A sexy summer European love affair
Was all I need

So I got my map of Europe out
And then I shut my eyes
I swung my finger in the air
And slapped it on the map
And there my finger landed
Yes, my fated finger landed
There on Italy, oh Italy
Where my lover must wait for me

And so I arrived in Venice
Under that hot Italian sun
I hopped aboard a gondola
A gondola for one
And as we started moving
My gondolier turned round to me
His arms as strong as meatballs, and eyes as round as tortellini
Ah, this was it (ah, this was it)
My love affair (my love affair)
A steamy Italian romance
With a humble gondolier
We kissed by the Piazza
Then we kissed by the canal
Then we went back to his casa
For what I could only taglia-tell
Would be a night of historical romance
With vigaro [?] in Italy
But as I opened his cupboard to hang my coat
400 wooden puppets were staring back at me

What-a the hell (what-a the hell)
Oh I do not understand
How I got tangled in the strings
Of a creepy puppet man
He said if I be your Geppetto
Will you be my Pinocchio?

No thanks, you creepy bastard
It’s a no-no-no!

So I hopped back on my plane
No stops for souvenirs
My European love affair
Would have to wait another year
Then autumn passed
And winter came
And spring came round
Like seasons do
Another year
And still no love
So I thought I’d try again

So I got my map of Europe out
And then I shut my eyes
I swung my finger in the air
And slapped it on the map
And there my finger landed
Yes, my fated finger landed
There on Finland, oh Finland
Where my lover must wait for me

So I arrived upon the Finnish-land
And took a walk down by the sea
When all of the sudden to my surprise
A fish jumped out at me
I went to pick it up, to throw it back, but as I did
I was met by the callus hands, of a fisherman
Whose fish he said was his
He said “Hi kaunotar”
Which means ‘pretty lady’ in the Finland-way
And I knew from the moment my eyes met his
He would be my catch of the day
Ah, this was it (ah, this was it)
My love affair (my love affair)
With fishy Oscar and his boat
Had answered all my prayers
We kiss-ed in his cabin
Then we kiss-ed in the bow
Then we kiss-ed in the ocean
And the sea got in our mouths
Then he taught me how to catch a fish
And, oh, we caught a lot of fish
And for every fish we caught he’d give that fish a little kiss
But one fish he kissed for far too long
And then he started to use tongue
And then he got real handsy
So I jumped right off that ship!

I swam away (I swam away)
Oh, I cannot comprehend
How this sexy Finnish dish
Would be no more than a fisherman’s friend
I thought I’d ended my lover drought
And found my Euro-bliss
But that freaky Finnish fish-kisser
Was a ship I was happy to miss

Then the rains fell
And the winds did blow
And the weather did lots of weather
But I thought
I’d give it one last shot
I’d have to pull myself together, for one last time

So I got my map of Europe out
And blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
And there my finger landed
Yes, my fated finger landed
There on England

...

So I got myself another map
I poked it with a finger slap
And there my finger on Paris
Sweet Paris
How could anything go wrong?

No more planes
No more fish
No more puppets
Just a wish
I’d find my soulmate in Paris
Where love is strong
And the bread is long

I met Jean
On the Eurostar
He helped me with my bags
He escorted me to my hotel
So far, no red flags
We drank wine in bistros
Ate escargot by the Seine
And the next day, and the next day
We did it all again

We walked, and we talked
Through parks, and cobbled streets
And just three days later
Jean was down on bended knee

Ah, this was it (ah, this was it)
My love affair (my love affair)
With Jean, mon amour
My life I now share
We were married that summer
With a child in the spring
Another little in the winter
It was finally happening
For me, and for Jean
A little Jean, a little me
We made our home in the English countryside
Our perfect family

Then the next summer came
And Jean was deported

... Now my children have no father

... Because Brexit

But at least the UK can now diversify the international links
We have a stronger hold in immigration
And we still have the pound!
We still have the pound!
Bloody relief to have the pound!
It has loads of edges now, so people don’t clone it
Yeah, what would you do with the Poundland’s without the pound?
Oh, I don’t know!

Fuck you Nigel Farage!