I met a man
His name was Paul
I found him in
The Dufferin Mall
I walked by him, he walked by me
I followed him into the lavatory
I slipped my number into his hand
And drew up the wedding plans:
He’ll wear yellow
Krispy Kreme cake
No witnesses
Suckling pig

But Paul, Paul, Paul
Paul he never call, call, call
So I’ll never return
To the Dufferin Mall

I met a man
His name was Homer
I found him in
The Casa Loma
I smiled at him, he smiled at me
We both remained silent in the library
I slipped my number into his hand
And drew up the wedding plans:
Church
Mirrored ceilings
No bridesmaids
In the dark
But Ho-Ho-Homer
Homer said no, no, no
So I’ll never return
To the Casa Lo-ma

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
They never call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call
Why-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y
It made me cry
Cause I’m so shy

Trumpet solo

...

I met another man
His name was CN Mower
I found him in
Christie Pitts
I cornered him while he was ripe
I took a lick of his marijuana pipe
I slipped my number into his hand
And drew up the wedding plans:
Seaweed wedding dress
Bring a small dog
Human chairs
Robot priest
Then CN
He, he got down on one knee
He looked me in the eye
And then he looked me in the eye
And then he said, and then he said
Oh how he said, how he said
I’m calling the police

All the men that we’ve loved who have torn our hearts in two
You crush-ed our souls, when you no-no-no-no say I do
You didn’t give us a chance, and instead you decided to run
You could have been the one
You could have been the one, one, one, one, one

Maybe is it a crime
To love to excess?
We know the answer to that question
Is probably never!