[Intro]
FLO & JOAN:
Bum-ba-da-da-da, dum-bum-ba-da-da-da
Dum-bum-ba-da-da ooh
Bum-(bum)-ba-da-da-da, dum-bum-ba-da-da-da
Dum-bum-ba-da-da haa

[Chorus]
We welcome you, we welcome you
We welcome every single one of you
Yes, we welcome every single one of you - yes, every pair of legs
And every little follicle on every little head

We welcome every groin, we welcome evеry gland
We welcome еvery finger on every little hand
Unless that hand has illegally touched a child
In which case, get out

[Chorus]
JOAN:
We welcome you (FLO: We welcome you)
We welcome you (FLO: We welcome you)

FLO & JOAN:
We welcome every single one of you
We, we welcome every mitochondria and every white cell
But if it's in a Flat-Earther, you can go to flat hell
This is a safe space, we love you all
(JOAN: Unless you're under ten stone) (FLO: Or over five-foot tall)
In which case, please leave, you're making us feel inadequate
We're sure you're very nice, but get the hell out of here

[Verse]
Yes, we want everyone to feel at home
Within this room
But if you read the Daily Mail then toodle-loo
And take your racism and bad grammar with you, too

Yes, we know we've got to share this world
With each and every one
But if you pick your belly or your bum or you open-mouth chew
Then adieu, adieu, to you and you and you

[Chorus]
And to the French, bienvenue
And willkommen to the Germans, too
And to Hawaii, aloha, and to Ghana, akwaaba
And to Russia, not today

We welcome every LGBTQI+
Unless you're KKK, in which K-K-case
F you, U R D-isgusting
And you can vamoose straight into a fire
[Verse]
Yes, this room was designed and specifically curated
To not contain the people who have chastised or berated
Anybody who doesn't share our specific beliefs
(JOAN: Like you should be able to get eyebrow pencils on the NHS.)

[Dialogue break]
JOAN: (spoken)
Hello, down here. What's your name?

BRIAN:
Brian

JOAN:
Brian! Nice to meet you, Brian. How are you doing?

BRIAN:
I'm doing fine, I'm doing very well

JOAN:
...How am I? Yeah, I'm fine. Er, do you have any fun hobbies?

BRIAN:
Photography!

JOAN:
Photography? (BRIAN: Yes.) Ooh, that's a very fun hobby. (BRIAN: It is!) Nice. Don't take any pictures during the show!
BRIAN:
Oh, I'll try not to

JOAN:
Good - keep your hands to yourself, Brian! Er, nice to meet you, Brian, have a-- enjoy the show

BRIAN:
Thank you very much

JOAN:
Er, what's your name just here in the nice jumpsuit?

MILLIE:
Oh, thank you, my name's Millie

JOAN:
Nice to meet you, Millie. (MILLIE: Hi.) Short for Emily?

MILLIE:
Amelia

JOAN:
Amelia. Oh, very nice. (MILLIE: Thank you.) Do you have a job?

MILLIE:
I do

JOAN:
What do you do?

MILLIE:
I'm a police officer

JOAN:
A police officer? Ooh! Is it alright?

MILLIE:
Yeah, I love it

JOAN:
"Love it." Thanks for doing the good work for the people, whilst we're here, sat here, singing stupid songs

MILLIE:
It's very noble

JOAN:
Thanks for coming to the show, Amelia, it's lovely to meet you. And what's your name here in the hat?

KIRSTY:
Kirsty

JOAN:
Nice to meet you, Kirsty. And who do you prefer more so far out of the both of us?

KIRSTY:
Flo

[Cheering and applause]

FLO:
Smashing. No-one ever chooses me

[Noises of sympathy]

FLO:
Ohh, it got sad, it got really sad!

[Verse]
FLO & JOAN: (sung)
And if you selfie at the gym, if you've got a sex doll
If you eat fish from a tin, then you gotta go
And if you're a Brexit campaigner
You're welcome to do what you're best at, and leave

[Bridge]
So now we're all on the same page, and the people in this room
Are people who agree with every word and every tune
Welcome to the home of Flo and Joan
We'll keep you safe, we'll keep you warm, you can trust us

It's our decision who is in and who isn't
Let's meet the schism and celebrate those who make it in, then damn those who didn't
We're not the others, the others outside

JOAN:
They're different, they ride scooters to work
They pre-pack their lunches, they show their emotions
They watch Mrs Brown's Boys, but none of us do that

FLO & JOAN:
Cause we have self-respect

So relax, make yourself comfortable
Take off your shoes, unless they are Crocs
In which case, keep them on and walk yourself out
And think about what you have done

[Chorus]
But to everybody else
We welcome you, we welcome you
We welcome every single one of you
We, we welcome every race, every colour, every creed
Every man, every woman and every in-between

But if you call your husband "hubby", you gotta go
And if you call your wife "wiffy" - What? No!
Don't blame us for not believing your beliefs
But you don't believe ours, then I guess you have to leave
And is there anybody left? Just a few
Well, we welcome...
You!